10-year high school reunion anxiety and a tale of lost love (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My 10-year high school reunion is coming up in August, and I am having quite a lot of anxiety about it. I guess the upcoming event is making me feel a loser.

Here’s the background: I am 27 now. When I was 17, on my first day of college, I met my now-ex-boyfriend. Let’s call him “birdguy.” We ended up being together for about nine years. Yes, nine years. Birdguy and I broke up about eight months ago after living together for two years. The whole situation has really broken my heart.

Even before birdguy and I broke up, I always felt like something was missing, because here we were, 27 years old, together for 9 years and living together, but yet there had never been any mention of marriage. Which is actually OK with me, because I feel people should be fully financially independent stable and independent and feel fully mature before they tie the knot. And honestly, I still feel too young for marriage. But I still loved him with all my heart and soul and did want to spend my life with him.

But what also made me feel bad about it was the fact that almost everyone I know that is around my age is either 1) engaged, 2) married, or 3) married with children. My two best friends are married. Birdguy’s two best friends are married. My coworkers are married. etc. (Not to mention the fact that birdguy and I have been together much longer than most of these married couples.)

But even that isn’t even what got me feeling the worst…

Most of my high school classmates have registered on classmates.com. I am sure most of you have heard of this web site…you can write a little update about yourself so others can find out what you’re doing. Well needless to say, after going to the website, I found that a vast majority of the girls I went to high school are married. Now here’s what really got to me, and I know it may sound a little mean and shallow, but it’s the truth: even the ugliest and most nerdy girls had found someone to love them enough to marry them. Not to sound shallow, once again, but when I was in high school, I was one of the prettiest girls in my class. I always had boyfriends. Now, 10 years later, some of the dorkiest and ugliest girls found lasting love and had families. And what do I have? Nothing.

It makes me feel like a total loser. It makes me wonder, what is so bad about me that the guy I truly love, birdguy, the guy who I have been with all my adult life, doesn’t want me anymore, while all these nerdy girls get to be happy? (Yes, I know the nerdy girls probably grew up to be beautiful, etc., but it still hurts.) (footnote: in high school I was friends with everyone, even the nerdy and ugly people, so I am not trying to be mean or anything.)

I am a pretty girl and a very, very nice person. I am also fun and funny, and I was (IMHO) a great girlfriend. Birdguy and I hardly ever fought, and had a great time together. He was my best friend, and he just threw me away for no reason.

So, you ask, what does this have to do with my high school reunion? Well, I really want to go, but I know that I will feel really bad seeing all these girls with their husbands, and I won’t have anyone. I just feel devistated, and the reunion is like salt in my wounds.

I know what a lot of you might say. I have heard it all before from my parents, my family, my friends…that just because most of my peers are married doesn’t mean I have to be. Just because I am alone doesn’t mean I am not as good as any of them. I know all these things, but when the majority of your peers are doing one thing, it seems like it’s the normal thing to do. So therefore, I feel abnormal. And like a failure as a person.

Well after birdguy and I broke up, I dated several guys. Well all of those relationships turned to shit. None of them wanted to be with me, and honestly, they weren’t even good catches to begin with. But I just keep asking myself, what the fuck is wrong with me, that even those losers don’t want to be with me?

I’m going to feel like such a loser at my reunion. It’s going to make me feel like 10 years have gone by and I am back at square one. Like I wasted a decade on nothing. Any advice, anyone?

2

You care too much what other people think about you and too little about your attitude toward other people. Gee, I’ll bet the nerds, the losers and the ugly people would roll their eyes at your post.

I understand how you can still be hurting from a breakup. Those situations are more devasting to some than others. I always took it hard. But to claim that it was for no reason is foolish. People don’t move away from happy and fulfilling relationships. That is not to say that the breakup was in any way your fault.

Some of those married people will be looking at you and thinking, “Damn! I wish I had her freedom!” Since you are pretty and nice and popular, they are not going to pity you for not being married. They are far more interested in what you think of them.

Being married is not the be-all and end-all that single people think it is. And certainly a person at the age of 27 is not beyond all hope of finding a S.O.

If you think those years with birdguy were wasted just because you didn’t marry, then you seem a little ungrateful for the happiness that you have known.

With all of that said, I didn’t go to our 10 year reunion for the same reasons that you are hesitating. If you think that it is going to be too painful, then wimp out like I did. If you want to enjoy the company of old friends, then go.

But more importantly, learn how to feel good about yourself regardless of whether there is a man in your life.

I wish you peace of mind.

3

Zoe, I don’t really care about what the other people think. I care about how I wll feel when seeing all these happy people with the husbands and wives while I wallow in my sorrow about how I once had that same happiness and lost it. And how if I were normal, I would be just like them, with a family and happiness. Except through no fault of my own, I have nothing. I know I sound pathetic, but that is just how I feel.

4

Birdgirl, I feel your pain! I have IDENTICAL thoughts almost constantly, and nobody in my real life does anything to reassure me, or make me feel better. Actually, I end up feeling worse!

5

Hey, I have a 27 year old brother who’s always upset that he doesn’t have girlfriend/wife. And he’s one the nerdy, dorky guys. It happens to everyone.

Chin up - there’s more to life than what people you haven’t spoken to for 10 years may say to/about/near you.

6

How many of all those happy, married people are on their second (or third or greater) marriage?

7

Being single isn’t anything you need to apologize for! Pull out your most sophisticated outfit, plaster a woman-of-the-world smile on your face, and go for “just an hour” to see only the people you miss the most. If you can’t bear to be there any longer that that, go ahead and leave early.

Just don’t let it go by if there is a chance you will wish you had later. It sounds like a lot of your old friends will be there. Are you going to regret it if you miss the chance to see them again?

There’s a lot of deviation in what’s “normal” these days. Get rid of the idea that unmarried == a failure. There are a lot of unmarried, successful people out there. (And there are plenty of unhappy husbands and wives too.)

8

All those married w/family folks may not be as happy as you think; some may be, but some may be even more miserable than you feel now. Almost no one ever really has it as together as it might seem to an outsider. If reconnecting with people you knew from ten years ago is important to you, you should absolutely go, and try not to evaluate yourself based on marital or relationship status. You now are in a position to hopefully, eventually, find something even better than what you had. Best of luck birdgirl and keep us posted.

9

birdgirl, try to learn to be happy as a single. Concentrate on things you enjoy, or check out hobbies or sports you’ve been interested in but never tried. Buy a cheap guitar. Drink cheap whiskey. Marriage does not mean bliss and being single does not equate to misery. I’ve hardly dated at all the last two years, but I think my overall level of personal happiness has never been higher.

10

birdgirl - Sorry this is so rough on you. It seems a common plight for people in these sorts of situations. Bummer about birdguy, I’ve only met you once, but I know that he was one lucky SOB to have had the pleasure of being with such a beautiful, intelligent, and charming person as yourself for 9 years.

But what can 'ya do, really? Suck it up, grin and bear it… I dunno. I could hit you with all the cliche catchlines – “There are other fish in the sea”, etc, etc. But seriously, when it comes down to it, does it really matter if you’re single or married, and does the age at which you do get married or otherwise seriously involved really matter? Surely the whole “peer pressure” thing comes in to play, but I’d be curious to know how blissful all these marriages of your high school friends are behind closed doors.

But hey, if it makes 'ya feel any better, I’ve been dying to take you out for a few drinks and a nice dinner, and this seems as good an excuse to do so as any :wink:

All in all, you are are a great gal, and there’s no reason anyone else should be able to convince you otherwise. Keep your head held high and give a hearty “hrmph” to all those ‘blissfully’ married couples. What worked (or perhaps isn’t working) for them may not be for you. Don’t be your own worst enemy, you have nothing to be ashamed of. S*** happens to the best of us, and one size does not fit all (there it goes with the cliches again…).

I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know if this makes you feel any better at all, but I hope it does. I’m serious about dinner. Email me :wink:

11

TeleTronOne, wow, thanks for the offer. I just might take you up on it! I will e-mail you. Who would have thought that after reading my pathetic sob story that someone would want to take me out?!?! <blush>

You know, maybe I was being a bit too whiny in my OP. I’m actually pretty happy these days, having my true “freedom” (as in being truly single) for the first time in my adult life, or 9 years. It’s not bad. I still feel very young and I like being able to do whatever I want, go out and have fun, and live JUST for me. It’s been fun being selfish after caring so much about someone else for so long. I dunno, I just feel really mixed up lately. So many things have been changing in my life!

Thanks for the advice, everyone!

12

Do you like cats?..nevermind…:smiley:

13

birdgirl, I know this comes a little late but I’m going to put my .02 in anyway.

Don’t worry about it. You’re 27 and single, big deal. Many of my friends were married LONG before I got married, and I rejoiced for them, and knew that my time would probably come. Not being married doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you a person who hasn’t found the right mate.

When I met my wife to be I was much in the same boat as you. In fact, the only reason we went out with each other was because her mom wouldn’t let her back out and neither would mine. Now we’re happily married for 4 years and it seems to get better every day.

Don’t sweat what your friends or old classmates will think. If you don’t live your life for YOU why bother going through the motions?

14

I didn’t marry til I was 40. When the time is right, you’ll know it. Enjoy your life. Go to the reunion. Mr. Right might be there just waiting for you!

15

I went to my reunion with my then-long-term boyfriend, and not long after that discovered that he was a selfish, lying, cheating, manipulative prick. Don’t feel badly about going alone; Lord knows I wish I had. You definitely won’t be the only one, and who knows? Maybe some guy you had a huge crush on in high school will be there too, and will be dateless!

16

Birdgirl, I think you should go. The person who wrote that OP is surely strong enough to handle one night out, and its an important night out for you.

If you miss it, it will be like missing an old friend’s funeral: you’ll never have a chance to go again and you’ll kick yourself for missing it. So, go shopping! Buy a nice outfit. Hit the gym a few times. And Go.

For all you know, there’ll be someone there who’ll miss you if you dont…

17

**Shirley’s Daily Brain Cramp ™ **
Birdgirl, I know how you feel, although, I skipped my 10 year and my 15 year and I am married with kids. Part of me use to feel that I had done nothing ( dead end-but interesting job, no college, no fabulous lifestyle/body/hair/posessions),

But then I look at my life and go, *Shit, I’ve survived through things that a) most people won’t ever go through ** b)**or won’t go through until they are in their fifties or older. * And yes, I actually say shit

I am more than frickin’ proud of who I have become. I resemble zero of the girl I was back then and I have become more of the person I wanted to be than I ever hoped for (though, I still want to be Indiana Jones/ Joan Wilder)

But enough about me :slight_smile:

I think there are two lines of thinking about class reunions:

A) Go there to see the old gang, people that you usually see on a fair to regularly basis anyways. I like to think of this as *The Heathers * reunion.

b) Go there to prove the rest of them just how far you’ve gotten in life and rub it in to the person that you hated the most or dumped you.

As for not acheiving anything in your life ( marriage, kids, whatever your personal Holy Grail is for you that eludes you.) *This is something I’ve discovered not so long ago so bear with my whilst I pontificate:

**Everyone blooms at different times. **

[That’s it. I know, you were expecting a filibuster from me, but once in a while I can condense the brainfart.]

Oh, and it is not about what you acheive, it is about finding *contentment * in your life. No, really, would Aunt Shirley lie to you? :slight_smile:
As for classmates.com, I like registering at my alma mater (and other schools of friends) under assumed named. Look for me as Melanie Asshat :slight_smile:

18

Excellent, just excellent. A gold star for Neuroman

19

birdgirl, it sounds like you got to vent and are doing better based on your posts to this thread, which is great. I will contribute my thoughts and hope they help, but you seem like you are doing better.

I did not go to my 10 year, but did go to my 20. I had a great time and found, upon speaking to my friends that went to both, that the 20 year was much much better.

Why?

Because the 10 year, apparently, was much more about comparing accomplishments - still young enough and close enough to high school to let trying to outshine each other be the dominant priority. Guys strutted their work accomplishments, married women showed rings and kid pictures and single women tried to look like Robert Palmer hotties. Each person I spoke with related the same story - and subsequent conversations with other people from across the country tells me that it is not specific to my school.

Now the 20 year, on the other hand, was more relaxed - people are more accepting of who they have become and who they are, and the priority is much more about connecting with old friends and acquaintences. Sure there are some who still are there for boasting, but the ratio was way down.

Bottom line? Just don’t go - it is likely to be unpleasant and will reinforce negative feelings you are already feeling based on the break up of a long-term relationship. Go to your 15 or 20 year and you will enjoy it much more…

Just a thought.