“… Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”, intoned the old priest, as he solemnly brushed crumbs of dirt from his cuff. “…and maybe she’ll fucking stay buried this time.”
I woke slowly from my dream of falling, because it had never been so realistic. Then it occurred to me to wonder where the plane had gone.
This has to be the winner.
The elderly son gently brushed back his mother’s hair and asked if she was done with her tea. Receiving an affirmative nod, he stroked her cheek before closing the lid of her casket and draining the remainder.
“I’m with The Jerry Springer Show. We’re doing a story that concerns you and we’re calling to ask you to be a guest.”
Haha!
Points for originality. Semi related:
My face was trembling as I stared into the eyes of the black man, the object in his hand inches away from my face. “You ARE the father!”
The final clause really makes this one.
We’ve just traced the call. It’s coming from inside your head.
Bryan Ekers - your repeating one made me shiver.
And that one made me smile.
This one made me shiver and laugh.
Be warned - he’s mixed Gaudere’s Law with black magic. If you reply to this troll, you become the troll.
“Doc, will this hurt?”
The doctor turned his back and smiled to himself, “Of course not”.
“Keep warm Grandma - bye!”, I said, as she eased the warped door closed. I took a step back, then another, across the creaking, dusty boards of the front porch, feeling the corners of the matchbox in my pocket.
“Open a little wider please”’ said the Dentist. “I thought I saw something move.”
The professors always told her that there was no such place as Hell. If only she could tell them they were wrong.
congratulations, you are pregnant
He held her hands tightly, looked deep into her eyes, and said “I love you sweetheart!” and she answered “I love you too Daddy!”
And then he lost his grip.
“People are horrible!”, complained my youngest child. I sighed “OK, just eat half of them, then you can go out to play”
In an unprecedented win against social media, Diogenes the Cynic successfully sued for reinstatement in his local message boards.
“Rest easy, little guy, because I assure you no one has replaced your family with lifelike robots.” “But Daddy, that’s what I programmed you to say.”
Thanks. 
The bedside clock read 3:00 AM, and although little Justin struggled to stay fitfully asleep, the rustle of the covers prevented that. As his heartbeat quickened and vision cleared, he could feel daddy’s sweaty hand and hear him say, “Surprise! It’s time for our secret game,” with a nervous laugh.
“That roast smells amazing,” he said to his wife as he was greeted by the aroma as he entered the house after a day at work, but she was too busy cooking to respond. Walking past the baby’s room, he chuckled at the comical sight of a turkey in the cot.