I find it hardest thing to do is to get my own thoughts out in a coherent manner on the subject. I do remember images but not really something that I can claim I thought out even though I have a feeling I think about it every waking moment. And still I cannot comprehend that making sense of out the war is a losing battle.
Going back to 1992, I see my brother, 31 years old, married with 3 months baby girl, an aspiring Medical Doctor looking forward to specialization post in Switzerland for summer of 1992. It was not meant to be, that summer he was killed with two bullets in the back of the head along with other 20 Bosnians, most of them medical professionals.
Next image… my neighbours killed right in front of me for simply not realizing seriousness of the situation, then my father and others that I knew enduring questioning and torture in Serbian prison camps (the most famous question: “Where did you hide the weapons?”). Watching a Serb “investigator” threatening a guy by holding a gun to his forehead in front of his wife and 10 year old son who still answered “I dont have any guns” only to see the guy and his wife brutally shot in front of the kid while “investigator” laughed: “I know you dont I just wanted to see if you’d break.” Also, I still get shivers when I recall a state of prolonged shock seeing unnecessary brutality and bloodthirstiness of Serbian Army and paramilitary that summer.
More images… watching the siege of Sarajevo, listening to Serbian Army general Ratko Mladic heard on CBB instructing grenade launchers from the hills to target a particular neighbourhood of the city because “Not many Serbs live there”. Or, trying to figure out why would someone shoot a sniper at the kid carrying water canisters. Learning about Srebrenica and just simply stopping in your tracks.
On moments, it felt surreal, like “me” watching me experiencing all that like it’s someone else. On other moments, it felt like I’d be ready to drop a nuclear bomb on Belgrade.
More images afterward… awaiting any information on where my brother body is, waking up at 4AM listening to my dad in another room sobbing uncontrollably after another horrible nightmare, looking for old friends and learning their fate or the name of some remote place on Earth where they decided to go to forget, finally burying my brother in 2005. Attempting to talk to a Serb from Sarajevo who experienced shelling only to get horrified by his response: “Yes, I had to hide and watch where I’m going but they were not shooting at me!”
And now that I wrote this, I realize how unjust it is to write about it as there are million other things I could’ve written about. Luckily, this is MPSIMS so not really all that important…