So, I was at a family function this weekend. I picked up my cousin’s baby who is three months’ old. She didn’t fuss, she didn’t really do anything. And this is the first time I’ve ever held her. It seemed a bit weird to me. Like I would expect some reaction to me, but it’s as if I wasn’t there. While I was holding her.
Is this something I need to be concerned about? Should I tell my cousin he needs to take her to a specialist? Because as soon as I do that, I’m going to get a lot of crap from that whole branch of the family, and it’s going to cause a big ruckus.
But, if this is normal behavior from a three-month old, I’ll just ignore it. But the three-month olds I have dealt with didn’t behave like this.
It depends what you mean by “no reaction.” My son is 2 months old and certainly reacts to people holding him, or nearby. He seeks eye contact when that’s feasible, adjusts how he is positioned (balances upper body, etc.), maybe even reaches to bat at your face or hair, and if gaining eye contact, smiles and cooes, responds to your voice with raised eyebrows or smiles, etc. This is appropriate for the age–his pediatrician last week made sure to ask if he was doing these things.
So if the baby in question was acting like a total lump, yeah, I’d say there *may *be an issue. But if she was just looking around at all the commotion and ignoring you, no big deal. That would be normal, too.
However, I wouldn’t say anything, as such. The parents, I assume, are taking the child for checkups, and I would expect that they are watching for these things. If, say, your mom or somebody sees the baby more often, you might make a casual inquiry. “Gee, little Carrie is sure laid back! Is she always like that?” But no more at this point.
P.S. I have four children, what I described was normal behavior for all of them after a few weeks.
There is pretty good evidence (PDF) that infants can recognize mommy within a day or two of birth, even in the absence of other stimuli like smell.
But, IME, most infants only get noticeably distressed by strangers beginning around 8 months…if at all. Wiki says it starts at 4 months, but I’ve not seen that.
I was under the impression OP was asking about infant socialization, though.
Telling someone that he needs to do something with his kid is tactless, under any circumstances. If you want to know more, ask your cousin questions that will let him tell you about the baby and her development. “How’s she doing? Will she laugh if I make funny faces? Will she grab my finger?” Let him reassure you.
New parents will almost certainly be watching their own baby’s development closely, so even on the off chance that there’s something going on with the baby, you’re probably not going to be in a position to tell them anything they don’t know. New parents also get a ton of unsolicited advice, and fairly or unfairly, if you don’t have kids of your own, the chances that they will find your advice meaningful are minuscule.
She didn’t do any of this. She didn’t do anything when I picked her up. She didn’t react when I cooed at her.
She was kind of a lump. It was like holding a baby who’s on the verge of falling asleep, except she was awake, and I held her for a good thirty minutes.
Sometimes when babies are overstimulated, they can’t fall asleep, but they will still be very tired, and not reacting to things. The fact that you were at a family picnic, and probably a lot of strangers were picking her up, and there was a lot to take in, makes me think that may have been going on. Sometimes when I took my son out to places where there were a lot of people, and commotion, he didn’t pay much attention to the person who was holding him-- he wouldn’t even nurse, until I found a quiet place to settle down with him. His behavior in familiar surroundings with just Daddy & me, and maybe one other person was completely different.
You don’t know whether she was acting typically, or was “off” that day. It’s even possible she just had shots and was running a low fever, or something.
She didn’t do anything alarming, like arching her back, and going spread-eagled, or staring at you intensely, without seeming to actually look at your face, or her eyes didn’t wander around as though she couldn’t focus them. Those are the sorts of things that might be signs of autism, absence seizures, or vision impairments.
What people said about the parents being acutely aware, and not needing you to say anything is true. My son had a mild speech delay, and no one was more aware of it than I was. He also was a late walker, but not late enough to qualify for any kind of intervention, just the late end of normal, but my gawd did I fret when he was fourteen months and not walking. Everyone else told me to quit worrying.
If you expected her to cry because you were a stranger, she’s too young for that.
It’s really difficult to say. Especially in an unusual setting for such a short period of time. Doubly so if it was loud or bright. Some babies at that age just sort of go internal due to the excess stimulation around them. Also, a month is a long time - are we talking 91 days old or 119 days old? Seems like a small difference, but it’s, y’know, 25% of their life. I’d be more (quietly) concerned with an almost 4 monther than a just 3 monther. And if the baby was a preemie, remember to figure out the adjusted age - the age the baby would have been had she been born on her due date - and figure milestones from that, not her actual age.
I would have to agree that it’s not concerning enough to frighten them yet. Another two months, and yes, definitely of concern. But many 3 month olds are still at the “potted plant” stage, where they’re just not really all that there yet, and you can stick them in their car seat under a blanket in the corner until they fuss or play Pass the Baby and they don’t care.
Was the baby born in a hospital in the US? If so then the obvious worries - deafness and blindness - were checked out before the baby left the hospital. These are routine tests of newborns now. Developmental problems should be addressed early, but honestly, the plan at this point would be, “let’s watch this,” rather than any interventions. Even very early screenings as part of pilot programs don’t flag babies for autism intervention until 12 months. Current pediatric guidelines are to screen all toddlers between 18 and 24 months.
If she can’t hold her head up, that’s another concern-- that would be a sign of something like CP. But I wouldn’t come on too strong. You might find a roundabout way of asking whether she is getting regular pediatrician check-ups, on the off-chance that the parents are Christian Scientists, or into homeopathy, or something, and the child isn’t getting seen regularly by a professional. A baby that age is probably being seen every month by a pediatrician or family doctor.
You might just ask casually who her pediatrician is, or something like that. As long as she is seeing one (or a GP), then I’d keep my concerns to myself.
The baby of a friend of mine had clear signs of autism to me, and I worked with autistic children and adults at the time, so it seemed really obvious, but he was about four months, and I knew that he was getting regular check-ups, and his parents were pretty well tuned-in to everything that could happen, and there really wasn’t any kind of intervention for four-month-olds.
When he was a year, he was referred by his pediatrician for developmental intervention, and when he was two, he was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, later revised to Asperger’s syndrome. That’s really early. He’s in a private school right now, is making really good grades, and has pretty good social skills, all things considered. He’s planning on going to college, and probably will do all right.
They really didn’t need me to say anything when he was four months, and cause them needless worry.
Meh. My extended family, including the parents, are always up in my business about stupid shit, so if I think there may be a developmental issue, I’m going to say something. Sorry if that seems tactless to everyone, but that’s what’s going to happen.
But, like I said, I’ll wait another month and see if her behavior changes and think about it some more then.
And, I had to babysit a lot when I was growing up, so I’m quite familiar with a wide range of infant development, and the behavior struck me as odd based on my experience. If the medical literature says this is within normal development patterns, then I’ll hold off for now (it’s not like I’m eager to get into the conversation anyway).
Well none of us have actually seen the kid so saying the kid is normal would not be something we can do.
The specific question of not reacting to strangers with any sort of anxiety or novelty reaction? That is normal and is a different question than having some specific response to a parent. What you need for the stranger reaction is the same thing you need for separation anxiety and peek-a-boo and that is “object permanence.” 3 monthers just don’t have that yet. We see it emerging sometimes as early as 5 months and reliably by 8 months. Before it emerges babies have no real ability to call an image up in their head. It is that ability that allows for peek-a-boo (“I know you are really still there, yup there you be!”), for separation anxiety (“I can call up this face in my mind and realize that no one here matches it.”), and for stranger anxiety/novelty reaction (“I am calling up images of every face I know and buddy, yours aint on that list!”).
OTOH you seem to be saying that the lack of stranger reaction is not what tinged your sensor but the lack of any reactivity at all. If indeed the baby is always like that then that is odd. Of course being like that for half an hour is not so odd at all.
Expected development at 3 to 4 months given some extended observation in a variety of environments includes social smiling, laughing, reaching for objects and by 4 months making the mid-flight corrections to actually grab them, chewing on hands and playing with his/her mouth to the point of constant drools, be beginning to work on rolling, and enjoying looking at faces.
Saying “You should se a specialist.” based on brief observations and your past babysitting experiences making you so expert on development is not only tactless and rude; it would be arrogant and stupid. Nice that your parents and extended family make it a habit to get into your and everyone else’s business over stupid shit. You like it when they do? No? Then why emulate it? Yes, saying something like that in that way might result in a lot of crap from that whole branch of the family and a big ruckus. Or if experienced the parents may already know that people are often rude when it comes to pregnancy and kids and merely give you the smile and the “we appreciate your concern” bit that parents give to many other “experts” who know no social bounds and have no manners.
Humbly expressing some concern and wondering if the baby is always like this and what their doctor thinks about that if so because while you have only limited experience with babies this age it seems different than usual to you is one thing … telling your cousin he cousin he needs to take her to a specialist? Another.
I didn’t ask for your advice as to how I should speak to my relatives. You can keep it to yourself. I honestly don’t care what you think about how I interact with my own relatives. And your behavior in this thread is arrogant and stupid.
Oh, let me just make something very clear here. In my OP, I was paraphrasing the information I was thinking about conveying to my relatives. Not stating what I was going to say literally. I am fully aware of how to be tactful when dealing with my relatives, and it is off-topic for this thread to attempt to give me snide lectures about that. The next person who attempts to lecture me on “tact” or whatever is going to get their post reported.
The development question was answered to my satisfaction, and I already stated that I would wait a month and re-assess at that time. Which means I haven’t actually decided to say anything about the situation yet, and I may very well decide not to say anything in a month. Now, if you want to discuss child development, that’s fine, but I really don’t care what you think about how to talk to my relatives. They’re not your relatives and you don’t know anything about how my culture or extended family works.
And unless you’re an expert on case usage in Tamil, then there’s no point in telling me how to phrase my statements to my relatives. My community has very specific rules on how to approach this kind of thing, and the lectures on tact are frankly irrelevant. In a month, if I’ve decided to talk to them, I may ask for advice as to what information I need to convey, but since you don’t know the rules I’m under for this kind of thing, and since I’m not about to write a treatise on our specific community’s politeness rules, telling me how I should phrase things is completely irrelevant.