30+ and unmarried = undateable?

My dad married at age 35. He was a bit of a nerd. OK, let’s be accurate, he was a big nerd, according to my mom! :wink: And, the times were different back then, so he actually still lived at home up until the time he got married.

His mom died when I was pretty young, but I don’t recall any hints that he was a “momma’s boy,” not at all. He certainly one of those clingy, weird “helpless” types, either, just a little nerdy. (He collected butterflies and stamps and had a few other nerdy hobbies.) I think being in the Army when he was in his 20s took some of the nerdiness away, but with those butterflies and stamps, he was always going to be nerdy! :wink:

Most importantly, he was a wonderful, devoted husband and father. My mom always says that she lucked out with him. We all still miss him. (He died several years ago.)

So here’s one positive vote for nerdy guys who lived with their mothers until they married in their mid-30s! :wink:

Argh. It should be: “He certainly wasn’t one of those clingy, weird “helpless” types, either…”

Remember, I found the Zip a couple of years after we broke up.

I was 30 when I finally married and I agree with bernse
quote
GROSS GERNERALIZATION ALERT!!
IMHO, women become more aggressive as they age and try to get a man.

I was scared off a few times.I just didn’t want their baggage.

Some of what Vlad says was true but I wanted to be the pursuer rather than the pursued.
Anyway I found a woman younger than me and it has worked for 27 years.

In my book, being 37 and not married yet is a bonus. I would think it’s slightly better to date someone who was that age and never married rather than someone who was divorced, or worse, divorced more than once. Never married probably equals no children to deal with either, always a strong selling point to me. Although it does sometimes lead to men who, because “time is running out,” are looking not for a girlfriend but for a baby-manufacturing machine.

Now an unmarried 37-year-old man who has no job and still lives with his parents . . . I run as fast as I can.

** Monstre **… you are a freakin’ GENIUS! It’s not because I am a loser! It’s not because I am rude, crude, crass, sarcastic, and generally unacceptable on any kind of social level! It is because they think I am a woman!

but… Real LifeTM ain’t like SDMB… I canNOT be confused for a woman in real life.

thanks anyway

My boyffriend was 38 when we started dating and he has never been married/has no children. He has had a few long term relationships which fell by the wayside due to the women cheating usually. He’s always wanted to get married but was unwilling to settle for the dishonest women he somehow ended up with! We have an absolutely fantastic relationship and I must say it’s nice not to have to deal with an ex-wife and all that extra baggage. There is no reason to give up hope!

Would you go for a 37 year old single and never married woman or are you chasing the 19 year olds?

If you are interested in women within your own age range, then I can’t see how there could be a problem.

There is a guy in our office who is 45, single and never been married and his taste in women has not changed since he was 16. He wants to go out with a 19 year old.

He can’t get a girlfriend, although he used to get a lot of action in his thirties. I suppose that was because to a 19 year old girl, a 35 year old man is sophisticated and dangerously exciting, but a 45 year old man is a sad old git.

Note - I’m not calling you a sad old git at all, I think 37 year old single and never married men are fine and dandy. I just don’t know any!

Hi, Curly Chick! How’s it goin’ eh? :wink:

FWIW, my age range of interest is 30 to 45 (negotiable). I am discovering that women too much younger that that, though they may sometimes look good, can culturally be very alien to me.

[sub]Disclaimer. I am not a 37-year-old single and never married man. I am a 40-year-old single and never married man. However, if you really want a 37-year-old, I think I can hook you up.[/sub]

Pretty much what missbunny said. In fact, that’s pretty much what I’m looking for.

(Of course, as curly chick said, many of them are looking for 21 year-olds, so…)

I don’t think I ever really thought about it until a couple years ago when I dated my first 30+ and never married guy … and he turned out to be a bleedin’ psycho. Now, I’m wary.

I by the way am also 30+ and never married, and I fully admit that that probably means there’s something wrong with me.

hmm I’ve been told the same thing elmwood. I am approaching 30 this week actually, and have been cut off from various ppl because I’m turning 30. Coming from a culture where most girls are married by their mid twenties, yes I am ancient in that respects. I can see where most ppl are coming from when they say something is wrong with me, but I feel very normal. Fortunately I’ve only had two relationships in my dating career, one lasted 7 years the other lasted 2. So that took up all of my twenties pretty much. I have to say that my last ex was a single 30+ guy never married and he did have many issues wrt age which he still struggles with I guess till this day.

I think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a man in his 30s that has never been married. There are some cautions that might initially go off in my head that I might look for:

  1. too close an attachment to mom - he isn’t looking for a Mom duplicate and can’tfind one is he?

  2. total player - I think I might be dating one of those right now

  3. Unable to build any emotional attachment - might have married him the first time

Once I ruled those out then I think I would assume he was just looking for the right person to come along and that would be a great thing not to have a lot of baggage from failed relationships to deal with. (like I do!!)

mipiace,

you forgot to mention

  1. unable to think in terms of a partnership.

sigh

Men.

White Ink, that’s a big bingo there on #4. Definitely do NOT forget to consider that option.

sigh from me, too.

:slight_smile:

I knew a guy like that once. I married him. Definitely preferred the lack of exes and kids to deal with. He’s a gem.

Maybe I didn’t follow the whole story, but posting the info from the ex’s Zip disk–THAT threw up red flags.

So in my husband’s case I think he was just kind of shy and slow-moving. But if you think women may be picking up an odd vibe from you, maybe see a counselor. If you do have issues, might as well deal with them anyway.

I knew a woman who said she was suspicious of any man over 30 who had not been engaged. I thought it was a strange comment. You’d rather have a man who got engaged then broke it off, than one who had never been engaged at all? I’m guessing she meant that at least he made a committment, but we never got that far in the discussion.

Maybe it’s the circle that I travel in, but I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with a man who remains never married well into his 30s. Most of the guys I know spent the bulk of their 20s pursuing their education and career and probably spent more time doing that than chasing girls at bars. Not that the 2 are mutually exclusive, but they aren’t really in the settle down/commitment mindset until they get into their 30s. Of course, then it becomes a matter of finding someone in that age range to settle down with and that could be a different story. Yes, some of them have issues (some heavy in the Controling Mom/Submissive son category) and some are almost 40 and still want the 23 year old, but you find some rather nice guys in there. I have always preferred older guys anyway.

Personally, I never thought I’d marry a guy who was under 30. (Turns out I’ll be correct.) My dad told me that guys should wait until they are at least 30 to get married (actually he said, “Daughter, don’t marry a guy under 30”) because something happens around that age and they mellow/mature/something good. Darned if I haven’t witnessed it myself in some male friends.

I think there’s a big difference between a shy, somewhat nerdy guy and a guy who is very confident, very outgoing.

If I meet a shy, nerdy guy (and providing he isn’t sending up signals that he’s a “momma’s boy” or has some sort of psycho tendencies), I’d think nothing of his age and lack of married status. Hey—he’s shy. That doesn’t make him a freak. My dad was shy, but once he met the right girl (my mom) he was happy as a clam and was a good husband and father. Actually, I think his loneliness (I know he was lonely before he got married) made him a real “homebody” after he got married. He was a very involved type of dad—took us on outings, was very involved in our school, and so forth. Family was everything to him. He probably would have been that way had he married younger, but I do think his “advanced” age intensified his feelings of family devotion.

On the other hand, if I meet a super-confident, attractive guy, and he’s not married (or has never been married) then I’ll wonder a little more. Not enough to make any final conclusions, but I’ll wonder if there is some “committment” phobia there. But there are a lot of reasons why someone does not marry by a certain age, so you just never know.

I also note that others have mentioned how many people spend their 20s getting an education and setting up their career. I think this is an excellent point. I think a lot of people are postponing marriage, not because they have committment problems, but because they want to get a little more settled into their lives before they settled down. There is nothing wrong with that. I actually think it’s quite smart in some cases.

As a single never-married 41 year old male, this is a reassuring thread. But,

(slight hijack)

How do you all reply to the question from a date or potential mate, “So, you’ve never been married?” (subtext = “Why?”)

I usually mumble something about career, travel, having too much fun doing outdoor sports, evidence of long-term relationships that didn’t work, etc.

But I’m more tempted to do a (probably TMI) answer like:

“poor self esteem in high school, partying, college and early career building = not wanting to be tied down, several years wasted in affair with married woman, moving town to town for jobs for several years, spending my late 20’s and early 30’s rafting, fishing or skiing every weekend (and no sports betties around), recent long-term relationship where she left me because I live in Montana, taking time to heal, social shyness, don’t get out enough or to the right places to meet women”

Definitely TMI.

But how do you answer the question, “Why have you never married?” when it comes from someone you want to give the right answer to?

Whistlepig

I thank you for your interest, my man.
Consider yourself on my list!
:smiley:

I have been asked this many times and it seemed to start once I passed 30.
If the person to whom you want to give the correct answer is a potential squeeze/suitor/SO, whatever you want to call it, then I tend to say:
“Dunno, it has never appealed to me so far; I am not against marriage, per se, so I’d never say never. What about you?”
Of course, if they have been married, then they can tell you the score there and if they haven’t, then they might give you a cunning answer to use in the future, should you need it.

If the person is a smug married type who is looking down her nose at you, you can say
“Why, would you recommend it?”
Usually I find that the SMT just wants to tell you about the fabulousness you are missing, so you can let her ramble on to her heart’s content. No further conversational input is needed from you once this begins; let your eyes glaze over and apply yourself to your coffee/beer/cigarette/(book).

If the SMT is someone you don’t like, you can say
“God, I don’t know; never really thought about it, but according to your husband, it ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.”
If you really don’t like the SMT, then there are innumerable ways in which you can spice this one up. Use your imagination!!

If the person is someone who is happily married and is a friend of yours, then they might already know about the crappy relationships you have or have not had, but, if not, something like this can be useful
“I dunno, just hasn’t happened for me, I suppose - timing and all that, but you never know, I might meet someone I want to marry, one of these fine days, like you did.”