Well, the good news for you, Elmwood, is that you’re heading into the age range in which available, reasonably sane men once again become a hot commodity. Once you get up around forty, most men are either unavailable or undatable. If you’re neither, you’re golden. You just have to get out there and meet the women who are looking for you. (Said the pot to the kettle.)
A couple of things people forgot to mention.
A 30 year old woman is about 40 in man years. Age is not as big of an issue with men because the things that women find attractive in men - wealth, power, prestige, maturity - generally improve with age. The characteristics that men find attractive in women - big tits and a nice ass - generally do not.
Men do not feel the marriage bug like women do. There is not this overriding society pressure of “why aren’t you married yet?”.
If you are socially awkward and have trouble meeting the opposite sex (or same sex…whatever), I’m betting that at 30 you are coming to the realization that it is not just a “phase” you are going through.
Being 30+ does not make you “undatable”. Being 30, working at Blockbuster and living at home with your parents makes you undatable.
As a single never-married 41 year old male, this is a reassuring thread. But,
(slight hijack)
How do you all reply to the question from a date or potential mate, “So, you’ve never been married?” (subtext = “Why?”)
I usually mumble something about career, travel, having too much fun doing outdoor sports, evidence of long-term relationships that didn’t work, etc.
But I’m more tempted to do a (probably TMI) answer like:
“poor self esteem in high school, partying, college and early career building = not wanting to be tied down, several years wasted in affair with married woman, moving town to town for jobs for several years, spending my late 20’s and early 30’s rafting, fishing or skiing every weekend (and no sports betties around), recent long-term relationship where she left me because I live in Montana, taking time to heal, social shyness, don’t get out enough or to the right places to meet women”
Definitely TMI.
But how do you answer the question, “Why have you never married?” when it comes from someone you want to give the right answer to?
Whistlepig
Sorry for the double post, bad hamsters.
My last bf was a doctor and had spent a lot of time involved in his career and education. He had kind of a fun answer to the question. He said he had been waiting for the right woman to show up for so long that the one night she did, was while he was doing his internship. He was sleeping in the shift room and she got tired of waiting and left.
It was silly and made no sense at all but made me laugh and I didn’t really ask the question again. I kind of understood it was because of his school and career.
Well, I’m a 37 year old male, and as far as romance is concerned, I’ve yet to manage so much as a kiss. I’ve given up actively looking, but if the right woman were to appear…
Unfortunately, thus far, they’ve all been partnered.
I’m 31, never been married, and I’ve been wondering about this lately. I don’t have unreasonable requirements for dating - I won’t date single moms and I won’t live with someone who has dogs - that’s it. I have a good job, own a house, I’m not shy nor excessively cocky, I’m not a momma’s boy, I’m not exactly a hunk but I go to the gym and I’m continually losing weight/getting in shape. I have a personal ad on Yahoo Personals and have hardly gotten any responses. The ones I have gotten (maybe 3 total) have been from women with kids who didn’t bother to read my requirements for dating. I’ve written to a few women (near my age, seem compatible based on their ads) and gotten NO response back from any of them. Not even a polite brush-off. This is starting to get old. What the hell am I doing wrong here? I figure the 30+, never married thing might be a factor.
Maybe they all want kids or love dogs…:rolleyes:
Pestie. How is your ad phrased? If you come across as anti-kid, that could be turning away a lot more women than just the ones who are currently single moms. You might be better leaving that off the ad and just deciding who to call back. Unless you really are long term anti-kid (NTTAWWT), but women who feel the same are a bit harder to find.
Also, any ad (whether you’re selling yourself or a used car) should spend more time on the features & benefits offered than on the “price.” Sell yourself.
I married a 32 year old never-been-married man and the fact he’d never been married wasn’t off-putting to me at all. Then again, neither was his being a great big nerd…
He had/has a full-time, respectable. legal job, no arrest record and is substance abuse-free. Why single at 32? 7 year relationship/lived together combined with the social graces of a pittbull on a sugar high. Another woman beat the sarcasm out of him and I scooped him up.
Still a great big nerd, but now better dressed.
I would find the no kids or dogs thing a bit off-putting, even if I didn’t have or want either. It sort of suggests that the person placing the ad requires someone with no past. This might be okay for someone just starting out on the dating scene, but people in their 30’s and beyond have often collected some attachments along the way, just as a part of living.
Dang, read the OP and thought I must have written it in my sleep or something! It’s me! Or very close, anyway.
I’m 37 and never been married. I’ve had one “long-term” girlfriend. That was when I was 23-24, and the relationship lasted about 18 months. Since then, no relationships of any significant length other than the one I’m in now, which has been less than 3 months so far.
My “problem” has many reasons. One reason is shyness on my part. I almost never make the first move. I don’t go for pickup lines, or even picking up women in general. Never really have. I really prefer to be friends with a woman before I ask her out because I would like to know her outside of a “romance” first.
I also spent most of my 20’s in an alcoholic fog, from age 21-28. After the 18-month relationship ended, I had the presence of mind to understand that my alcoholism would be detrimental to a relationship, and so I never pursued one. Then when I finally quit drinking, my finances were in disarray and I was heavily in debt, and I didn’t want to inflict that on a woman either.
I’ve also come to the conclusion that my lengthy abscence from the dating scene has resulting in my “taste” in women not evolving. I simply don’t find women my own age to be very appealing physically, and still tend to prefer women 18 to 25 years old. Of course, I would never approach those younger women, because I assume they would all say, “Eeeeew! That old guy made a pass at me!” That notion was always reinforced by my now-26YO sister who always refused to introduce me to her friends because I’m “too old”. I imagine that she’s going to freak when she finds out that I’m now dating a 20-year-old (more on that below).
I have been discouraged by many over-30 women’s attitudes. The one’s I’ve met and initially found attractive, anyway. Many of these women have been married and divorced one or more times (and I have no real problem with dating a divorcee, or if she has kids), or have had several boyfriends over the years, and they seem to spend a lot of time with their female friends bitching about what assholes men are. I just shake my head, because it becomes clear that they keep chasing after exactly the same kind of men, and they get the same results each time, and never learn. They never seem to notice the nice guys, and that leaves me out.
When I was in my 20’s, I would occasionally meet a nice young woman in a bar, and end up talking to her and finding her attractive. But I could never ask them out because they always seemed to have big, noisy, obnoxious boyfriends. I came to the conclusion that the kind of women who attracted me were not attracted to guys like me. And I suspect that those women have turned into the women I mentioned in the previous paragraph.
But anyway, I am dating now. The funny thing is that she’s not what I expected. She’s chubby and large-breasted - physical aspects that normally turn me off. But she made the first move on me, and we hit it off. There are definite problems with dating this particular 20-year-old, though, not the least of which is she’s severely bipolar. That has been difficult - I think she’s broken up and gotten back together with me about 20 times in the last two months. She wishes I was more aggressive. And I guess she isn’t old enough yet to realize that not all men are of the “do anything to get laid” mindset. She doesn’t get why I won’t sleep with her yet. Then again, she confessed to me that her original intention, when she introduced herself to me, was to get me in bed for a one-night fling. But that didn’t happen, and she discovered that she actually liked me.
Well, if you’re curious how it’s phrased, have a look. I ran it by a close female friend who’s known me for 10+ years and is generally very good at all things relationship-related and she made a few “woman’s perspective” edits, which I think were good. The ad I have posted now is her edited version. And for the record, I really am long-term anti-kid. One of the women I wrote to expressly said the same thing in her ad, but like I said, I got nothin’.
Oh, no argument there! I tried my best to do exactly that.
This is exactly what I’m afraid is going on. I really don’t mean that I want someone “without a past.” Not at all. A colorful past doesn’t put me off at all, provided it doesn’t mean she has kids or dogs. 
Well, you’re certainly more dateable than a 37-year old married man…
I was 38 when I married, my wife was 26. Neither of us had been married. Both of us had been in long term relationships before. We met at work (both of us in IT).
I think that there are three things to remember:
(1) everyone is different
(2) everybody is not the same
(3) YMMV
Some people are ready to marry and settle down in their 20s, and some in their 30s, and probably some in their 40s, 50s, etc.
I do not believe that a general case can be made for being single at 30+.
In my case, I had been travelling for many years as a contract systems engineer. New customers, new countries, I guess I never had the time to become “set in my ways”, and precious few chances to pick up any baggage along the way (no house, no furniture, no car, just a few crates in storage full of books).
As soon as I took a permanent job, I started (unconsciously) to accumulate the trappings of being “settled”. To my great good fortune that included dating and marrying my wife (20 years ago now).
That’s how it worked for me. You get to choose how it will work for you.
Pestie—I glanced at your ad, and I have some comments—don’t know how to phrase them, exactly. (I’m not used to commenting on other peoples’ personal ads! )
It’s really obvious that you are a really great, fun-loving responsible guy, and a good catch. No doubt about it. You have a cute smile, you obviously are a very bright guy with a great future and have a wicked sense of humor.
The reason you might not be getting many responses I think is the “no kid” thing, (no kids in the future). I think in your age range, that’s a biggie. I could be wrong.
A few other things that might weed out some people (not all that many, but some) are the no dogs and no religion. A lot of people have a religion. I don’t have a clue what percentage of women in the age bracket you are looking at want a guy who has some religious beliefs, but I think a decent percentage would prefer it. Maybe not a majority, but a decent percentage. Couple that with the no dogs, no-kids-not-ever, the very, verrrrrrry long bio you wrote there, and I think you’ve weeded out quite a few potential girls.
Some might not mind you not wanting dogs. Some might not mind the no religion. Some might not mind the no-kids-ever. But probably most will mind at least one of those things. And then you don’t smoke and don’t drink! What the hell fun are you!?!? Some women might have a problem with that. A lot wouldn’t. (I wouldn’t! Hell, if you were a few years older in living in my area, you’d pretty much be exactly my type!)
There’s nothing you can do about the religion thing, the smoking and drinking thing, or the kids thing. That’s not a “problem” you have, that’s just you. Obviously. But that might pare down the options for you. Not your fault.
But hey, I could be COMPLETELY full of shit and not have a clue about any of this stuff. I really could! What do I know about the datable girls in your area and in your age bracket?!?
The one thing I would change if I were you is I’d pare your bio by about 60-75%. Seriously. I mean it. It really is a sweet, charming bio, but it is* too long.* Most chicks’ eyes are going to start glazing over looking at that thing. Unless I am totally full of shit? Are most personals bios the length of War and Peace? (I’m just kidding! You have a great sense of humor, I can tell, and I’m KIDDING!!!)
Seriously, I think paring down the bio would solve many problems. Honestly.
Anybody over 30 who has never been married, probably has problems, or else must have a very good reason why(e.g fiance died, was in prison, etc).
Dear Susanann,
I don’t seem to have any problems, but I also don’t seem to have any good reasons why. Should my fianceé have died in prison? Inquiring minds want to know…
Er – what?!? Frankly, I think anybody who would get romantically involved with a criminal has MUCH bigger problems than someone who stays happily single. (Yes, I realize that not everybody in prison is guilty, but nevertheless I’d consider this a very, very big red flag.)