I got ** ivylass’** on Amazon. I’d get a brain for myself but they are sold out.
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In one of the threads I started about my father, someone said that he was a ‘toxic influence’ and they were absolutely right. I was able to move forward and I’m glad that you are too.
Reading more of the thread, I’ve been ninja’ed on that by links to other sources. But I’ve bought a plush heart (for a co-worker who had valve replacement surgery) and mammary for another friend who had a mastectomy. I’ll have to get the plush colon for the doc the next time I have THAT done.
Oh, and I like that priest’s attitude!
Today is her birthday.
I don’t feel guilty. In fact I feel like this is the first day in over a month I’ve had my shit together.
Good for you for not feeling guilty!
It’s better to have no mom than to have a poison-mom. Stay strong and know that she will come back to haunt you if you give her the tiniest little opening. Don’t let temptation sway you from this path. A month from now, your determination is likely to waiver. Your anger will become less righteous. Because it always has in the past, right? Come up with a gameplan (with your husband, if that helps you) to avoid giving in to her bullshit.
This is a good idea.
Now I feel guilty. But it’s not like guilt compelling me to change my mind. It’s survivor’s guilt. She grew up in the same toxic environment she provided to me, but somehow I found a way out of that hell and she didn’t. I know her pain like nobody else can, because she gave me what she was given. I tried to give her the tools to get out but for some reason she just can’t navigate her way through. So I have to leave her behind. But I don’t think it’s fair that she was a casualty and I am a survivor.
Nope! Right there. That’s the opening. Can’t believe it took me 33 years to see it.
It may not be fair, but there’s also absolutely nothing you can do about it. You can let go, or be dragged. Guess which is best for you.
Your aunt, I assume, grew up in the same environment and didn’t turn out like your mom. Your mom had a bad life but above and beyond that she sounds like a shitty person. If she grew up in a loving household she probably would’ve ended up less mean, but I assume she probably would’ve been one of those cheerleaders who drives other girls to develop eating disorders even if she had a good home life. Point being, a person can be mentally ill but being a shit person on top of it makes things way worse. The people I’ve met with disorders like BPD can become very evil when their disease takes over, but then they feel intense regret and remorse that they can’t control themselves after the intense emotions from BPD go away. Your mom doesn’t seem to have that (that intense guilt and shame over not being able to control her destructive side), which should be a giant red flag. Like I said earlier, I think on some level you are identifying with your abusers. You try to save your mom, you fell in love with your sociopathic, abusive stepdad. Maybe you deal with abuse by giving in and identifying with your abusers. That is something you need to work on if so.
This is maybe a really good point and I’m sure you didn’t mean it this way, but I wasn’t interested in my stepdad romantically. I wanted him to leave me the hell alone in that kind of way. I loved him like a kid loved a parent, but yes, I did think the world of him, I just thought that was the price I had to pay for having a Dad. I didn’t want that. I didn’t even think I wanted that. I just thought he was confused and didn’t know how to explain it to him without him feeling bad or rejecting me, or without my Mom finding out and then my whole family being torn apart the way it was the first time it happened (with husband #2.)
I was reviewing some of my Mom’s greatest hits today, just, probably in a healthy way kind of processing the childhood I had because it’s easy to forget.
*12 years old. Knocked a stapler off her desk while I was writing something down. (I am clumsy.) I swear I meant to pick it up, I just wasn’t fast enough, so she was like, ‘‘You’re so irresponsible and disrespectful, blah blah,’’ and I defended myself, yeah, I was probably a snarky asshole teenager about it, and then she blew up at me for talking back, and then there were hours and hours of violent mayhem that culminated in her deciding I had such a broad pattern of disrespect that the only fitting punishment was to ban me from participating in marching band (my favorite thing) for an entire year. My band director met with her personally and pleaded with her to let me stay in, but she didn’t do it. She took away my favorite thing, for an entire year, over a fucking stapler.
*contacting a lawyer when I was 15 to see if she could legally throw me (straight-A student, churchgoing kind of model child) out on the street because of my talking back. Took me to my Grandma’s house to discuss how she found out she couldn’t legally do this, I ran into the bathroom and started crying. My Grandma said what she was doing was cruel. She disowned my grandmother, changed our phone number, refused to let me see her (and we were VERY close) for a year, and when my Grandma tried to give me Christmas gifts through her, she threatened to sue her for harassment.
*hours and hours straight of berating me, blowing up, throwing shit, holding me down and slapping me repeatedly in the head (apparently giving me a fucking seizure disorder), slamming my door (broke it), punching holes in my walls, calling my relatives to talk loudly about what a horrible, selfish child I am, and then when I started crying she completely lost her shit again, stormed back in, berated and mocked me for being such a ‘‘whiny fucking baby’’ and started the cycle over and over again. Then she wouldn’t talk to me for days.
So when did I ‘‘escape’’ - or at least try? When I was 17. And the pathetic fucking thing is those years, age 17 to 33, are filled with just as much bullshit. She didn’t have as much control then - she couldn’t literally confine me and threaten me like before - but I just now realized if she did - if I were still aa kid - nothing would be any different. The only reason she hasn’t damaged me as severely since I left is that she can’t control me. She has these little flashes of insight, times of deep remorse, but they are so fleeting she can’t sustain anything like a consistent understanding of just how much psychological damage she did to me.
And I am done. I asked Sr. Weasel to help me be strong from now on. To help me be angry when I needed to, instead of guilty. Because she damn near killed me this time. I damned near took my life this week. And I’m not doing it any more.
I hope this doesn’t sound insulting, because it isn’t my intent. Your husband, from what you’ve said of him, sounds like a really compassionate guy who tries to see things from everyone’s perspective. at least that is the impression I get. Right now you probably need someone who realizes your mom is a terrible influence and who will protect and guide you while you go through this process. My point is that, sometimes you need a social worker and sometimes you need a cop and those are 2 different types of people but both are useful (you reaaaaally needed a police officer when you were young. The fact that nobody called one, or that they didn’t seem to do anything is really bothersome). Sometimes a person needs a playful, friendly dog you can hug and share with your family, and sometimes they need an aggressive guard dog who will protect them from bad people. I hope that doesn’t come across wrong.
What about your aunt, you said she doesn’t put up with your mom’s bullshit. Can you talk to her and get strength from her as well?
Not insulted. He’s ridiculously compassionate, that’s why I love him.
My Aunt feels almost nothing for my mother by this point and is somewhat baffled by the fact I even have tried this long. I know if I ask her to help be my backbone, she will be.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to say this right…
How one behaves is partly a matter of reason, partly a matter of taste and partly a matter of choice. This is something that by now many of us understand with regards to sexual behavior but which actually applies to every aspect of human behavior. I do not for a minute believe that your mother’s behavior stems from lack of reason, based on what you’ve told us about her professional accomplishments, although there may be a factor of not understanding that people are as valuable as she is and that always doing what she wants is not going to always get her what she wants (it doesn’t, with your aunt); she wouldn’t hurt you so often and so badly if she didn’t derive some enjoyment from it; she chooses to hurt you because she enjoys it and hey, no negative consequences! In fact, whenever you put your back up, she gets to play the martyr (there ain’t enough rolleyes). The only point where I can see considering her any kind of victim is that understanding bit: the rest is all her.
Stepping out of a game where the first rule is “you lose” is the best move anybody can make. Welcome to the sidelines, have some popcorn.
Her problems are between her and her therapist. Mourning your lack of good parents is between you and yours. There’s no reason for the two of you to be in contact anymore – it’s not helping her, but more importantly it’s not helping you. Speaking as one who’s moved halfway across the country from my family, your life will vastly improve once you remove her influence from the equation.
You may find it helpful to write down all the reasons you currently have for maintaining no-contact. Then keep it for reference when you’re tempted to open up a dialogue with her in the future. It sounds like she is actually beginning to understand that she is hurting you by staying in contact with you. Going no-contact might be the only good thing she’s ever done for you in her life.
Years ago, I remember reading a fantasy novel. A powerful magical creature was going apeshit, so magic was running wild throughout that world and of course the hero and trusty friends had to go set it right.
One morning they wake up in camp and find they can’t leave because whenever they try, a voice out of nowhere stops them dead in their tracks with the most cutting and vicious insults possible. Even powerful wizards and experienced adventurers are helpless to resist these terrible insults. None of them are physically harmed or restrained, it’s just the power of words keeping them in.
Why did the crazy magic creature trap them like that? Didn’t it realize it would destroy itself if it didn’t let them go? Didn’t it realize they just wanted to help it and save the world?
Should the hero and the rest have sat there and debated and argued about the reasons until the world fell apart, or should they realize that why doesn’t matter and that they won’t be able to do anything unless they find a way out?
Where I’m going with this is, after age 17 maybe she didn’t physically pin you down and slap you stupid, but she sure as hell put you in an emotional cage built from your fear and guilt and need and love.
During that time, her periods of being tolerable or even pleasant to be around were the equivalent of opening the door a few inches, just wide enough so that you think you can slip out, then slamming it shut as hard as she can on you and then laughing as you retreat back into the cell to cry and nurse your broken fingers.
Why would she do a thing like that? Is it because she’s broken herself and doesn’t want to be alone, or is she psycho? Doesn’t she realize she’s doing all this from a cage right next to yours, and you have the key to her door if only she’d let you out so you could use it? Yet every time her door opens, she slams it shut on whoever opened it because this dungeon you’re both in has become her home. It’s familiar. It’s hers. She’s in control there.
So it doesn’t fucking matter why she’s in that cage. She doesn’t want to leave, and no one is going to convince her otherwise. Trying is a waste of time that just leads to more imprisonment and suffering in that cage of bad juju.
This time, when she tried to slam the door, you pushed back and shoved it open. 
Now you have to watch out for the guilt and “if only” and “if she’d only” because that’s nothing but the bait trying to lure you back into the cage. After all, you spent 33 years in it. It’s familiar. It’s the only home you’ve ever known. You feel sorry for the poor woman still trapped there.
You’ve got something she doesn’t, though, which is the courage to take that first step (plus people who are ready and willing to help you remain a free-range Weasel :D)
You don’t know me, but I feel like I know you from your posts over the years. No one deserves to be treated the way that your mom has treated you. If someone told you that their mother treated them the way that your mother has treated you, what would you tell them? Would you tell them to stay, or walk away? Your mom has to want to fix herself, and it doesn’t sound like your mother wants to. You need to save yourself. This has taken its toll on your health. If you stay in contact, it will take years off your life in stress.
Your mother did you wrong a long time ago. She hasn’t earned the right to call herself your mother, and she certainly hasn’t done anything to earn your forgiveness.
I have problems with anxiety. Mild stuff to what you’re going through, but this is one of my coping mechanisms.
I have some extremely liberal friends. I have some extremely conservative family and old high school buddies. I know some militant atheists. I know some people who literally thank God for the parking place they found downtown. As in bowed head and prayed. I use Facebook STRICTLY for non-political, non-newstory, non-religious interaction. I will comment on the Rangers game, a light-hearted family matter, cats, cats, dogs, and cats, gardens, weather, and inane stuff like what I’m cooking for dinner. I avoid most meme posts. I never, ever correct or attempt to inform anyone that their post is wrong. After awhile, I just quietly block them if all they do is share political or religious or “I hate those guys and here’s what you don’t really know about them” crap. They’re not going to listen. They never, ever do. They’re looking for an argument. They can look somewhere else. I’m not going to disturb my calm over their crap.
I do the same thing in person. It took my dad nearly five years to grasp the fact that when he goes political, I either don’t answer or change the subject.
If it matters at all, here’s another internet stranger rooting for you. You have every right to end the unequal relationship with your mother, and you owe it to yourself.
I have been somewhat fortunate. My own mother is just Garden Variety Mom crazy, but she and her sisters were raised by Batshit Insane Grandmother - your stories of your mother remind me a lot of the Notorious B(atshit) I(nsane) G(randmother).
And here’s the thing: my mom and aunts each dealt with the trauma inflicted upon them in different and often self-destructive ways. I think my mother was the healthiest - she just developed a shell of scar tissue and maintained a “nice weather, let’s talk about nothing” relationship. My oldest aunt put a continent between herself and her mother, and developed a lovely, crippling problem with drinking and drugs. She has addressed these issues, and got her shit together, but the cost to her and her family was enormous. My middle aunt, I think, sustained the worst damage - she spent decades being the dutiful daughter. She never escaped the poisonous orbit. She has lived a life driven by guilt, and seems to have never considered that she has a right to be happy herself. My heart breaks for her, because she’s a beautiful, intelligent, responsible, competent, very kind woman, who has never noticed that about herself. And at age 68, I suspect that she won’t suddenly develop some tendency toward treating herself with the kindness she deserves.
I wish that my aunt had an epiphany when she was your age. It would have been hard - as you know now. But not as horrible as the decades of abuse and self-doubt and lack of self-esteem have been. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this crap now, but I’m really proud of you for finding the courage to face it and the resourcefulness to get the support you need.
Nope, nope, nope, nooooooOOOOOoooooOOoope. Nope. None of that. Casualty? Uh-uh – she’s a villain. She abused the power she had over you when you were small and defenceless and harmed you in ways that you are still dealing with in a top-of-the-list, first priority sort of way, and that is bullshit, my dear. You should be busily living your life and building your career and pursuing things that are fulfilling to you and make you happy, not trying to grapple with the severe damage done to you over your whole life by someone whose main responsibility was to protect you. You may be a survivor, but you are a survivor with scars and half-healed wounds and wounds that are still spouting blood. The only thing that is not fair here is what you’ve had to deal with. How about you take that energy that you’ve been putting into feeling sorry for her about it not being fair for her and invest all of it, every drop of it, into taking care of yourself and feeling compassion for the unfairness of your own situation. Let her take care of her, and you take care of you.
This isn’t a neutral thing to be talked about objectively if these are just things that happened, no choices made, no guilt levied. All of the pain, all of the trauma, all of the abuse, whether physical, mental, or emotional – she did that to you. She did. It’s not something that flowed through her from her own past while she stared blankly at it, wondering what was going on. She treated you appallingly and you are still paying a steep price for the harm she caused you, and you’ll be paying for a long time to come, and that is the unfairness that should piss you off.
Gah, there are no ‘shoulds,’ I know that, and I’m not telling you how you should feel, but I think I’m letting my own anger on your behalf color my words here. I guess that bottom line is: save your compassion for yourself, and stop pointing it in her direction. If your dear friend were going through all this right now, what would you feel for her? What advice would you give her?