Haha. I should print that out and post it to my wall.
Yeah, I know. It’s sinking in. A lot of the people have said lately I was the one who took on the parenting role, and I didn’t see it at first, probably because so much of my childhood was framed as my failure to take responsibility and how immature I allegedly was - not traits you normally associate with parenting.
But even Sr. Weasel was like, ‘‘Yeah, you think you’re her Mom. None of this was ever your job or your responsibility to fix.’’
Ah, I see Mom has entered the ‘‘make life a living hell for everyone trying to have a relationship with me’’ phase of her behavioral cycle. We were planning a trip to visit my Aunt and Grandma (who live two houses down from one another and are very close) on the 16th, but when our relationship ended she decided to plan to visit before when I would be there to avoid awkwardness for everyone.
Not anymore! Now she is dragging her feet, she was supposed to be at my Grandma’s a week ago and just left home, saying, ‘‘I might do some sightseeing on the way up’’ and has no clue when she’ll arrive there. They had to change their Mother’s Day plans around because of her foot-dragging, and now my Aunt is freaking out that my Mom is going to be there at the same time I am. My Grandma is having a nervous breakdown because she’s worried she won’t be able to see me. My Mom is like, ‘‘Nonsense, just leave me at your house when you go visit Christy’’ which would be awkward as all hell for all concerned and it may not be obvious to those reading, but I know from experience this is about my Mom trying to fuck with all of us (while still maintaining plausible deniability.) **Auntie Weasel **doesn’t usually get upset about stuff but I think my standing up to my Mom is bringing up all sorts of her own past trauma issues with my Mom. She agreed to sit through two Mother’s Day related dinners with her and my Grandma, and is dreading the time.
So my Aunt said if my Mom is still in town when I arrive, we can stay at a hotel in Chicago for a few days. She is that desperate to avoid her.
I’m actually pretty chill relative to both my Aunt and Grandma right now, but it’s stressful to see my normally calm and collected Aunt this stressed out. I just want to get the hell out of this sick house and go have a nice time somewhere else. I finally met one of my best friends, Asimovian, in person for the first time at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on Wednesday, as well as the illustrious jsgoddess and my only regret is not being able to drag them home with us. They had to go look at a waterfall or some shit instead.
It was so nice just living life for a change. Doing and exploring stuff with Sr. Weasel and not having to deal with so much drama. I’m gonna do my best to minimize the drama with my upcoming trip to see Auntie Weasel.
See, I had forgotten this part of the process. When I was in my early 20s I stopped speaking to her for a year. She decided she wanted to get rid of all of the shit in her house that was mine (like the keepsakes and stuff) and was desperate to get into contact with me so she could get rid of this box of shit she had. So my Aunt gave me my Mom’s phone number so I could get in touch with her about this box she desperately needed to unload. When my Mom found out my Aunt violated her privacy by giving me her phone number, she harassed my Aunt for a straight month and my Mom also threatened to sue me for harassment for obtaining her phone number. My Aunt got to the point she couldn’t even listen to the messages, she had her husband do it for her to make sure nothing important was missed.
“Why, how generous of you! Soda’s in the fridge, TV remote is on the coffee table, Grandma and Aunt, let’s bounce!”
If your grandma and aunt choose to put up with (or put themselves in the line of) her nonsense, that’s on them. By all means, go as planned. She’s just trying to fuck with you and imagine how incredibly PISSED OFF it will make her when you show up and act completely unfucked.
I know, and like, the thing is, I don’t even think I have to fake being unfucked. I used to agonize about this shit, ''Why is she doing this? What is her motive?" and lo and behold, I find I do not give a shit what’s going on in her head, it’s pretty much irrelevant to me. I just want to live.
Yeah, i think I’m gonna call Auntie Weasel and be like, ''You know I’d love to spend a few days doing fun stuff in Chicago, but this idea that we have to work around my Mom’s whims is fucking bullshit and exactly what she wants. How about we just do what we *want *to do?"
Yes, she’s going to escalate. That’s her only option at this point. Please just take it as confirmation that you’ve made the right decision (as it sounds like you’re doing). It might help to write a quick note / make a quick call to Grandma and say “I understand if, in the interests of harmony, you need me to be extra flexible for a couple of weeks.” It might be easier if you all agree on an attitude to the situation beforehand, since you can’t coordinate on plans.
Gah. There’s so much I want to say, but either I can’t seem to put it into words, or someone else has already said it better. Anyway, just know that I’m one of many who’s been pulling for you all along, and I KNOW you’ve got this.
Also, this? This is a grand idea:
Absofuckinglutely. If I had a friend - just a random friend who I actually like, mind you, and not a violent, game-playing, string-pulling, emotional puppet-master - and they said, “Hey, I’m planning to visit you, like, real soon, but um… not exactly sure when, so… just kind of keep things open for the next week or so, okay?” my response would be, “Oh, gee - I’m just so busy, I can’t commit to anything without a firm date. Why don’t you give me a call when you get in, and maybe we can meet up?” Because that’s just unreasonable for anyone to ask of anyone else, much less your mom to ask of you and your Aunt and Grandma.
So make your plans, and make them spectacular. Have a blast. Celebrate Mother’s Day truly appreciating the women who, as far as I can tell, were much better mothers to you than your “real” mom ever was. And while you’re at it, celebrate the excellent job you’ve done of mothering yourself, because DAMN was that ever difficult, and look how awesome you turned out. And if it happens that your mom shows up while you’re there, welp. She chose to prioritize her desire to sight-see (insert all the rolleyes) over everyone else’s needs, and that didn’t work out for her. Oh, well.
I did call Auntie Weasel and she is less stressed today but she still wants to get the hell out of town when I come to visit. She is just too stressed about the idea of my Mom showing up at her house and trying to start shit, my Aunt says her rage level is so high right now she doesn’t know how well she would be able to contain herself (my Mom has a history of violence and harassment so it’s actually a pretty rational fear that she might try to start something.) I don’t want my Mom to have that much emotional control but I can’t blame my Aunt for wanting to avoid such a situation either. The whole reason I blocked my Mom is because I just couldn’t take another thing right now so I totally understand how my Aunt’s feeling. So I am honoring Auntie’s wishes and we are getting the hell out of dodge. I just wanted to make it clear to my Aunt that I am not afraid anymore and this wasn’t about me kowtowing to my mother’s whims.
So we’re going to take a vacation and probably have more fun than staying at Aunt’s house anyway. Grandma won’t even know the details of our schedule so Mom won’t know whether I’m around or not which will probably drive her apeshit. Auntie and I will spend a few days in Chicago and maybe work our way through Michigan back toward where I live, just taking things day by day and enjoying the moment. It may mean I don’t get to see Grandma but honestly if she was more assertive with my Mom about her needs, she would get to see me. How hard is it to say, “Hey, I need to know your schedule because I’d like to spend time with my granddaughter and by not committing to a firm schedule, you’re making this super awkward for everyone.”
I’d happily wait until she was gone before I came down, but I have an actual writing conference scheduled in Chicago so my schedule is pretty firm. I actually have an arrival date and estimated leaving date and everything, can you imagine?
Grandma’s willing to help us with hotel costs and stuff because she feels so guilty. And on one hand I’m like, ‘‘This is so not your responsibility and you def. do not owe us hotel money’’ and on the other hand I’m like, ''But it’s not my responsibility either, and if you’re not gonna stand up to the family bully, then by all means, pay for my vacation."
This whole ‘‘not giving a shit’’ thing is glorious.
I actually don’t remember. This would have been 11 years ago. Think of all the drama I might have been spared if I had just told her ‘‘fuck no’’ when she wrote me a ‘‘hey I finally got divorced from your abuser, let’s be friends’’ letter shortly before my wedding.
This meme pretty much sums up my feelings right now. I am weirdly at peace about… just, all of this.
Hey, Spice Weasel, I’m pulling for you. At least I think I am—and by that I mean I think you used to go by a different name that mentioned olives and the 3rd month.
I seem to recall first running into a Spice-Weasel post and thinking, “What??? Who is that? I like her! This person has been around since 2007 and I’ve never seen this name—”
And then an, “Ohhh! that person—she’s always been cool—”
I don’t know how I missed the earlier threads about your mom. I’m sorry.
But I purposefully don’t want to mention anything about the 4th lest that should bring up bad memories; that is, I believe you had a name a change, and if that were for unpleasant reasons, I don’t want to cause any pain.
So, if what I’ve written up to this point makes sense, I’m saying, " I remember you. I like you. You are good."
If what I’ve written doesn’t make sense, I’m blaming booze.
God do I feel for you, Spice. I have a close friend who also has a toxic mother, and after decades of trying to fix things (because like you, she just wanted a mother), she finally had to grieve the death of all the hopes she had that she could have that mother/daughter relationship she so longed for. It was terribly painful for her, and she grieved it like a death.
But in retrospect, the best thing she did for herself was to let go of that hope, and establish very strong boundaries with her “mother”. You cannot be vulnerable to someone like that. I would recommend cutting off ALL ties for the time being. Delete her from your phone & all social media. Grieve the loss of the hope you had of having a healthy relationship with her. Write your feelings down on paper to get it all out and eventually you will come to terms with the fact that your mother is fucked in the head & is just not capable of having a healthy relationship.
Very well done, Spice. You’re an awesome person, and the crap you’re dealt only makes that more visible.
You know what helped me in lessening contact with my mom? The realization that she doesn’t really need me. She vigorously complains about pretty much anything whenever she contacts me, and guilt trips as much as she can, but I know for a fact that she has all the help and friends she wants. Even more friends and help then me because, being retired, she has all the time in the world and she has more money then me, as well.
My mom, like your mom, is, in her own way, very capable of getting what she wants from people. She always finds another sucker to charm and get to help her. They may come to their sense and run away after a while, but there will always be another nice person that falls for my Moms “artistic warm engaging woman” persona. And from what I know, she uses the old “my daughter is a troubled cold person who disowns her very own mother” to the fullest advantage. She’s welcome to, as long as i don’t actually have to deal with her.
Realizing this helped me to feel less guilt about not trying to fix every problem she complains about. And once I realized me-fixing-what-she-complains-about was all that was left of our relationship, and that I really had no need whatsoever to keep doing it, I said goodbye and now see her maybe twice a year.
