We have a problem here in Western Washington. Geese. Not those cute little French geese, or the utilitarian Polish geese or even the little-known Namibian geese. Our problem is Canadian geese.
Canadian geese have a very rapid digestive process. Right in, right out. Since it’s so fast, it’s not very thorough. That means geese eat a lot of food and leave a lot of droppings behind. That’s the nub, so to speak, of our problem. Goose poop. Lots of goose poop. 37 tons a day. It’s ruining our parks and beaches.
The government, as usual, as been ineffectual. They’ve tried scaring them away but that didn’t work, and it just moves the poop to a different place, anyway. They’ve now reluctantly agreed to have 3,500 geese killed, but that upsets a lot of people.
I have a better solution. What kind of geese are they? Canadian geese. And where do Canadian geese come from? Canada! (Duh!) And so who caused the problem? That’s right, Canadians.
My proposal is to fill a convoy of dumptrucks with 37 tons of goose poop every day and head north. When they get to the border we return the unwelcome Canadian import with a polite note, thanks but no thanks. If we can’t get the whole 37 tons every day we could supplement it with cow and pig manure. (Do you think the Canucks are going to inspect it?)
See how simple these things are when you think them through? We don’t kill the geese, we get to have clean beaches and parks, and Canada gets a large supply of a valuable resource.
(Things just haven’t been the same around here since Glen Clark got the boot in BC.)
hey, do you think we can sneak some other unwanted Canadian imports over, too? Jim Carrey and Celine Dion come to mind. I’d call them unwanted imports.
We’re having the same problem in Wisconsin, mostly in the southeast, along Lake Mich. There was a write up in the paper not too long ago that the city of Milwaukee was going to bag some of geese taking over the city parks, and donate the meat to food pantries and homeless shelters. Then a bunch of animal rights people protested. So now they’re just oiling the eggs so they won’t hatch.
With all of their hockey hullbabaloo
And that bitch Anne Murray, too
Blame Canada, Blame Canada
They’re not even a real country anyway! *
Don’t put too much blame on the Canadians. It’s not as if they can keep the geese within their borders.
I can see it now . . . guard towers placed that the US/Canada border to patrol for illegal alien geese. “You are now entering US airspace. Turn back, or you will be shot down! This is your final warning!”
Since Canada Geese poop without regard to international boundaries, I propose a revolutionary poop-sharing plan between Washington and BC be adopted immediately.
Both sides will begin collecting the goose poop and use it in the construction of a land bridge between Seattle and Victoria to allow the free transport of trade goods between those fine cities.
The advantages of this scheme are obvious: Washington residents get to take advantage of a low exchange rate on their marijuana purchases without the hassle of a ferry, and Victoria residents can buy all the cheap cheese they desire.
We need to begin lobbying ASAP to allow the BC government time to plan their embezzlement scheme.
I’m not trying to toss water on a fun thread, but I feel obliged by my oath to uphold truth and accuracy wherever it may rear its head (took the oath in a secret ceremony when I was eleven, at the same time I undid some of those religious promises made on my behalf as an infant) to remark that they are not Canadian geese, they are Canada geese. They were named after a man whose last name was Canada, not after that big northern country. ::sigh:: So much useless trivia in my head, so few real answers.
There. Having said it, my conscience is clear. Please carry on as you were.
How about poop as a biologoical weapon? Sure, while the Iraqis are playing with Serin, we’ll be pelting them with 37 tons of goose poop. It’s bound to do some damage.
Well, the geese were there before you, and they’ll be there after you’ve gone. Suck it up, pluto, and learn to enjoy the smell of goose droppings!
But seriously now:
What you Washingtonians need is some smart entrepreneur that figures out how to turn this into a money-making situation. Guano for organic fertilizing of crops? Extraction of some chemical to flavour coffee, that you could then sell to Starbucks? Maybe package the droppings in little plastic sachets that you could sell to tourists?
Put on your thinking cap man! You’re sitting on a gold mine up there, and you don’t even know it!
Collect that goose poop and sell it at premium prices to Alice Waters (the famous restaurant lady who owns Chez Panisse in Berkeley) and all those two-acre farmers down in Sonoma County who supply her with her organic kumquats.
Sell her some of the geese, while you’re at it. They’ll be yummy when they’re braised in a shallot vinegar reduction and dished up with some fennel/cardamom gnocchi and rocket/mesclun salad.
Actually it is Canada Goose(named after the country). If it was named after a person they would have added an 's on the end eg. Wilson’s Warbler or they would have modified the name. They named the Blackburnian Warbler after Anna Blackburn (one of the few birds named after a woman).
Keith
P.S. I can give a serious answer if i’m forced to .