Last year, my sister’s boyfriend and his 15/16 yr old son were living at her house with my sister’s 4 children (5th child came along too).
This week, my sister was giving her 10 yr old son the “birds and bees” chat because he’s attending high school and that means his peers are all 12-13 yr olds so she figured it an appropriate point in time to discuss the facts. His two younger sisters sat in on the discussion, they’re all intelilgent children. It came out, when my sister talked about “inappropriate touching”, that the younger of the two girls had been abused by the bf’s son (he’s 6’ tall). She’s only six years old - would have only been five at the time. At first they thought it was a one off event but it appears that’s not the case. She’s been talking to the police, they video taped the interview in case it needs to be used in court. Doc has confirmed there’s evidence that something has happened. The first time occurred while the 16 yr old was babysitting the kids - he took her into the caravan (trailor) he was living in at the back of the house and left the other kids in the house. He told her that because she was behaving (the other kids weren’t) she was allowed to go to the van with him.
I feel sick… how can anybody do that kidn of thing!?? she’s such a sweet innocent girl…she’s smart, she’s well behaved, she’s just a great kid. She’s been through a lot of stuff in her short life, and now this.
Can anyone tell me what’s in the minds of people who do this kind of thing to children? I just don’t understand…
apparently she’s dealing with it quite well… better than the rest of us (her family) are… i’m so very thankful this kid moved back to his mother’s house 3 hours away from here… i dont’ want to know what i’d do if i saw him around here.
It will go to court…but what will they do to a minor who breaks the law? nothing… he’ll get away with a slap on the wrist… it’s not fair
one thing that really puzzles me… when my sister explained that some people would have to know (police, some family etc) my niece specifially said “i dont’ want auntie “tal” to know” . NObody seems to know why she didn’t want me to know… does anyone have any thoughts as to why this may be? Her and i are close, she’s affectionate towards me so I don’t think that it’s anything to do with not getting along with me or anything… her and i both have some similar health issues, and i wonder if maybe in her wonderful innocence she’s trying to protect me?
argh!!! i just can’t believe this has happened to such a sweet girl… it’s so unfair
I feel sick, too. This happens far too often…happened to me in my childhood.
Don’t even try to understand what goes on in the mind of someone who does this—you don’t want to understand, because to understand might mean to eventually excuse it. I think your not understanding is your brain’s way of preserving your very appropriate outrage and protection of your niece. Although, I could just be projecting.
As for why she might not want you to know…if you are close, perhaps she is trying to protect you. Also, she may feel “dirty” or the abuser may have (likely did) tell her that anyone who found out would blame HER and turn away from her in disgust. I got a lot of that from my abusers…and for a long time it worked.
Even if she is handling this well, I would strongly encourage your sister to get counseling for her. resolving any issues now will go a long way towards preventing future problems. I had a very fucked-up adolescence and early adulthood because of unresolved issues and am always cautioning other people to seek preventative measures and not wait until problems arise. Many people feel that it’s better to sweep it under the rug, lest they remind the child too often what happened, but I don’t think one can be too cautious about providing security and support. It WILL be on her mind no matter what, and better for her to know that others want to deal with it than to wonder why they don’t.
Golly, I could go on and on, but I’d be hijacking ever so subtly as a way of addressing my own issues, probably, and I don’t want to do that to you. I suspect that quite a few other, more articulate Dopers will chime in here, though.
Good for you for being such a kind aunt. I could have used one in my own childhood and always applaud the ones I see now.
Thanks lorene for your reply. I should have mentioned in the OP that she and her mother have had one couselling session already…i’ll make sure they continue (occassionally my sister needs a little prodding to make sure things get done).
I’m so sorry you went through this personally, it’s hard enough knowing it happened to someone so close to me, i can’t even comprehend what it would be like to acutally go through.
I wondered about if it might be that she felt i might blame her or something, but i’m the only one she didn’t want to know, she’s close to her grandmother and it was ok for her to know, and her two uncles she didn’t haev a problem with either (one she doesn’t see very much the other she sees quite a bit) so i just wondered why she might have singled me out… that’s what made me wonder if maybe she was wanting to protect me - rather than any issue she has about the way she’s feeling herself…
I guess I also feel bad from the point of view that, she’s asked that I not know… and I feel that somehow because of that I can’t help her through this… there’s no way i’d ever let on that I actually know about it, i’m sure that could be one of the worst things when she didn’t want me to know
By helping her Mom navigate what she needs to do, you ARE helping her through this! It may be behind the scenes for now, but I’m betting that eventually she’ll fell OK about your knowing and can be told how you have supported her.
Sometimes kids have incredible insight and a need to protect adults they love. She may have picked up on something (some x-factor, I guess) that makes her want to protect you from this hideous knowledge. Based on what you’ve said about your relationship, I doublt it’s anything negative about you. It could also be that she wants to have one close relationship where the person DOESN’T know, so that she can at least preserve the normalcy there. What I mean is, even if it’s just an illusion, there is at least one close relationship within which she can pretend this didn’t ahppen.
Tal…what Lorene just said. Especially the last sentence.
BTDT. On both ends of the equation. My abuser killed himself before it all came out, and it was hushed up “for everybody’s protection”. Then, my idiot ex-sister-in-law couldn’t stay sober long enough to protect her girls, and didn’t care enough to do anything once she found out. At least your niece has a family that cares. Keep after your sister. Better a lot of therapy now that a lot of self destructive behavior later on.
Push to have the perp charged as an adult. That is a record he WILL NOT shake.
I crossed paths with a stranger, a pedophile more than 40 years ago, and it took me 14 years before I told a soul. I finally told my sister when I was about 21. It took me another 7 years before I could tell my mother. And now nearly 20 years after that, I’m telling you and the world, it seems (and now I’m shaking and crying).
Tal, I’m so sorry your niece has had to go through this. I can also understand her reluctance to not have you know. Like lorene says, you may be that haven of normalcy or she may preceive a need to protect you. It’s hard to say because (at least for me) there were way to many issues to handle for a mind to young to understand. Shame, unworthiness, guilt. Adults have a hard enough time handling these emotions let alone a child. So sometimes her actions or decisions may seem illogical or distancing. But believe me, she loves you. She needs you. She may need you to not know.
I’m very glad she’s talking to a professional. Perhaps someday she’ll tell you. But even if she never does, please don’t take it as a sign that your relationship is something less than what you feel it is. I never told my father or brother (fear that they’d end up in jail for hunting down the creep) but it doesn’t mean that they were or are not close to my heart.
Ugh… poor kid… unfortunately people who do this usually pick on the innocent and well behaved kids… they are less likely to fight back/tell. I have to give the little one a lot of credit for telling and for having the courage to speak to police. That must be intimidating for a 6 year old.
Just give mom and daughter compassion and support. They will need that the most. I hope they do press charges as an adult.
I also want to thank the others who posted their own stories. This kind of abuse is more common than people realize mostly because people are afraid to share their experiences (I do understand it would be a killer at birthday and christmas parties) I was abused by my father. He started when I was very young… my earliest memories are of him molesting me around age 3 or 4. I was almost a teenager before I discovered every little girl’s daddy did not do these things. I didn’t tell anyone until I finally told my husband shortly after we married. Now I tell anyone who cares to listen. Being able to tell was very freeing!
Oh and give your sister credit for reporting this kid to the police. My mother walked in on my father naked on top of me and she yelled a bit and cried but went to work the next day like nothing happened and refused to speak of it again. Needless to say the abuse continued unabated.