68-yr-old atheist gay male seeks social milieu to combat loneliness

In My Humble Opinion
21

Hi Roderick Femm,

I have just the story you want about Meet-up.com.

I am an amateur guitar player. While I have played electric in a group in the past, I now play mostly acoustic fingerstyle music, which doesn’t generally lend itself to group settings. But, I miss the experience of playing with others, so I joined a group (now folded) which was for “experimental” jams. And one Saturday evening, I packed up 2 guitars, 1 electric and 1 acoustic along with my small practice amp and went along to a meetup. The organizer had said that he envisioned a loud, anything goes, group in the basement and a quieter group upstairs, so I wanted to be able to participate in either.

I started off in the basement group, where I quickly learned a few things. Firstly, that the organizer’s idea of experimental music was absolutely no planning or organization whatever, just everybody start playing whatever and let’s see what happens. Secondly that LOUD didn’t cover it. I literally could not hear myself play, let alone figure out if what I was playing blended with anybody else. Not that it would have mattered. When I looked at the guy next to me and saw he was playing an 8-string guitar, I figured I was WAAAAAY out of my depth.

So, I took my acoustic upstairs and found the “quiet” jam. This consisted of a keyboards player, two electric guitar players, one of whom was subbing for a bass, and the other who was playing in some alternate tuning which made it impossible to follow visual cues, a vocalist doing scat-type stuff, a violinist, a reed-player and a guy on an electronic drum kit. The group was quieter than the downstairs group, but my acoustic still didn’t really cut it, volume-wise and I eventually took a break to bring my lectric and amp up from the basement. The group was very welcoming though, and I had a good time, starting a couple of pieces with items from my repertoire, including a simple bossa-nova riff I learned back in the mists of antiquity. The violin-player was acutely shy and stayed completely in the background.

The evening ended and I left thinking, “That was interesting - maybe I’ll do it again sometime.”

A few days later, I got a communication from the violin-player saying he had liked what I played and asking if I’d like to get together sometime to play. A couple of weeks later I went to his home and had a jam session wth him, his SO who was an elderly blind woman with a very cool hand-made guitar from the sixties. One of his other housemates joined in on vocals. We had a great time, playing complete songs and teaching each other stuff. We’ve gotten together several more times since then and always have a great time.

So, the moral of the story is to try new things. Even if it turns out to not be quite what you want, it may lead to something else which is.

As far as your concerns about events being gay and atheist-friendly, I think you are being too apprehensive. Unless the event is centered around sexuality or religion, I don’t see why it should even come up.

Best of luck.

22

It’s not what I would call a heartwarming story but the tabletop gaming group I regularly meet with is a Meetup group.

I was in a similar situation to what you described. And I already am single so this wasn’t just a future situation in my case. After I retired I found myself spending too much time sitting alone in my house (doing things like posting on this board).

So I decided I needed to push myself into participating in some social activities. I had been a gamer years ago so I decided to seek out some people who were currently gaming. I found groups that were open to new members and I showed up.

I won’t deny that showing up to meet a group of strangers can be difficult. But I’m proof that you can do if you push yourself.

It obviously doesn’t have to be a gaming group. Join a book club, join a cooking group, join some hikers - whatever sounds interesting to you. Find an interest you and your husband share and you can join in a group together. That way, you’ll be able to show up with somebody you know.

23

Do you like animals at all? I have made many close friends from volunteering at my local animal shelter. Our volunteers range from 13 to 80+ (because Bev won’t tell how old she actually is!).

24

Also consider, you could volunteer to get involved in performance groups without being part of the performance. Any group needs people to do running around stuff. Even the senior centers could be an opportunity to contribute without being one of the clients.

25

My son goes hiking a lot with groups that get organized on Meetup. People of all ages participate. Can’t say it’s heartwarming but he has made friends!

26

My 70 year old lesbian single mother has reached out to people she sees on a regular basis and that forms the foundation of her social activities. She knows the name of every member of staff at the YMCA where she does her morning swim. She knows her regular waitress at the IHOP where she treats herself to Pancake Tuesdays as a reward for doing her exercise routine every day for a week. She has struck up conversations with people she regularly sees at the dog park. And so on.

These contacts have led to friendships and social contacts outside of the activity where initial contact was made. Her mechanic is not just someone she turns to when she has a problem with her car. He and his family have become friends and Mom trades English language practice for Spanish language practice with her mechanic’s wife. And no language practice session would be complete without trading some recipes.

27

I don’t know if you like riding motorcycles, but it’s a great past time.

You can spend hours riding with a friend, not saying a word. Each of you enjoys your own ride, so you’re not entertaining each other.

You don’t have to be fun or out going. If you can manage to agree on a direction to ride and a place to stop for lunch, you’re golden.

Also lots places to join a ride, so you can try out different groups.

28

My mom goes on day trips with the seniors (55+) from our city’s community center. This isn’t a senior center-it’s the community center that serves all ages, but has quite a few activities for seniors. They’ve let me go on a few trips when there weren’t enough 55+ to fill the trip and there certainly wasn’t anyone I’d consider “old”. All were very mobile and engaged mentally. My mom wasn’t looking for friends, she just wanted to get out without having to drive, but she’s made some friends in spite of herself, LOL.

Good luck!

29

The Atheist meetup group I belong to has many LBGTQs in it and may older folks. We do tons of activities - weekly walks, book groups, restaurant dinners, pub trivia, talks, lectures, debates, etc.

30

When I was newly single some years back I used meetup quite a bit. I’m still friends with a subset of people I met through various groups on that site. Not sure how heartwarming it is but I still think meetup is a great place to meet people with shared interests.

31

The Randall Museum is a nice small museum in a good location. You may want to volunteer there. Or you might try being a docent at a place you enjoy. Roderick, The City has many places!

32

Volunteer at a Gay/Lesbian Youth group.

They can always use volunteers. I find it invigorating to be exposed to young people, and they are often interested in meeting older people. They are often interested in hearing ‘what it was like when you …’ (expect the usual teenage attitude of ‘too cool to be impressed’).

And for a lot of them, meeting an older gay person who lived a successful life is inspiring – an average person. With modern media, they hear about the famous people like Sir Elton John & Patrick Stewart, but not much about normal people, who have average jobs and a typical life.

33

And here’s another idea: If you have no advice and only nastiness to offer, it might be better to just exit the thread.

In other words, don’t be a jerk. It’s our cardinal rule.

34

Well, shit, I didn’t realize Patrick Stewart was (is) gay!

35

He is not gay, but he is flattered people think so!

36

Along those lines, activism of some kind?

37

I’m not quite 68 but I’m getting close. My table top gaming friends go to meetups to play and they meet new people all the time. I’m not so sociable so I get the vetted people later at someone’s house.

I took a class recently, met some new people and was invited to a ‘coaching group.’ It was an weekly, structured meeting of 4-8 people at a local eatery. Each of us talked about what we were up to that week, problems and triumphs, and the others offered support, encouragement and gentle nagging. It wasn’t my thing but the people were very nice. There are tons of interesting classes out there and a lot of places give discounts to seniors. You meet all kinds of people.

I’ve looked at the senior centers around here and, for the most part, the people are too old for me as well and the activities too slow. Like 75 and cranky. But, they aren’t all terrible. If you are physically active, google ‘pickleball.’

Every time I try something new I meet more people who want to socialize. You already know the type of people you’ll meet a the old, gay, shy, atheist meetup so try something new.

38

I met a girl through meetup, and we became good enough friends that she asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding.

39

Imagine how surprised his wife must be.

40

That’s precious!