I’m a fiction writer, and when I moved back to my home state I joined a little Meetup critique group meeting at the local bookstore. It was nothing special - at first - until our leader was unfortunately diagnosed with brain cancer, and turned the reigns over to another guy. I dunno how it happened, it seems like a tiny miracle in retrospect, but we sat down to decide what the new group was going to be like, and something wonderful was born.
We are most of us pretty serious writers, either published or with publishing aspirations, and we didn’t want it to be a hobby group but a professional one. The first thing we did was make it juried, meaning people have to apply to get in. It’s not strictly about talent but also group fit. We’ve been meeting every other week for about two years now, there are about eight of us at the moment. We’ve got the retired former English teacher who is a snarky (wildly inappropriate) Jewish guy with years of experience and knowledge of craft; the Marine, our leader, who writes great action scenes and refuses to watch films where dogs are hurt; the Canadian neuropsychologist who writes intimate, stinging science fiction; her husband, the noir literary mystery writer, and the social worker who writes intensely emotional science fiction romance (me), among others. We have each other to commiserate as we slog through the unglamorous bits of writing, we’ve achieved the Holy Grail of being brutally honest about one another’s work without people getting pissy and egotistical, and more importantly, we’ve become the best of friends. We get together with our spouses on the holidays, meet up for BBQ and beer, and carve pumpkins together on Halloween. The next event is Christmas book exchange.
I’m not a very social person, in fact I have social anxiety. I used to freak out every night before showing up for the group meetings. But we are all pretty much nuts and none of us feel the need to hide it. I can pop an Ativan during critique and jokingly offer it to others. Our ages range from 24 to 67, and yet somehow it works. We are a gang of misfits who somehow found each other. The group is the best thing that ever happened to my fiction writing AND to my social life.
I can’t recall if you’re a reader, but Borderlands Books in the Mission has a book club specifically for reading Gay & Lesbian spec fiction. They include both books which contain gay characters & those written by LGBTQ authors. I’ve not been to that specific meeting, but in general the gatherings there tend to be a very mixed group in age. The meetings / readings are usually held in the attached coffee shop, which gives you something to do while checking things out.
An atheist friend (and Doper, although I won’t call her out) belongs to a humanist group called Sunday Assembly, which is in many ways like a church without the religion. They meet regularly, do good works, etc. They even had a float in the Christmas parade, with signs saying “Merry Everything” and “Happy Always”.
Do you game? I could play Pathfinder Society, in a game store with others, almost every day of the week around here. There are meetups and groups for just about everything. There’s a board game meetup just for my suburb happening tonight, about a mile and a half-away. I was going to drop by just to see what they’re playing and talk to them for a few minutes, but my family is having a gathering.
And hell, there aren’t just gaming meetups, there are for about any hobby you can think of.
Do you have any large parks in your area, with woods and trails? Volunteer.
Do you have any interest in tabletop gaming? If so, lookup comic book and gaming stores in your area. Quite often they have gaming areas in the store where all sorts of people come to play games. It’s not a group of friends playing together–it’s whoever shows up and wants to play. It would be a great way for an introvert to get out and hang with other people. You could be totally anti-social and still play if you wanted.
Another good way to meet people is to join fitness classes. Some classes can be done at any age (like Zumba), while other classes are specifically designed for seniors (Silver Sneakers). This is another good way for introverts to meet people. You can be as chatty or anti-social as you want. As you go to classes more often, you’ll see the same people over and over and it’s easy to get to know people. You can start with a brief “Hello” at first, but after going for a while you’ll gradually ease into chatting more and more if you want.
ETA: Ha! Simulpost about gaming!!! It must be a sign.
Would you consider volunteering with a political party? My dad was on the verge of lonely despair when he “found politics”. There is so much to do, he started out knocking on doors, then became more involved in campaigns and now he’s in thinktanks buying submarines having a whale of a time. They have general drinks meet ups every month but there are always other meet ups to go to as well. He has friends of all ages: 75 years old and 1st year uni students. He’s made friends who go dog walking with him & friends whose theses he proofreads. TBH I think you can be a little meh on certain sides of politics and focus on the stuff you think is important to get that done, and have a great time that way.
I can kind of relate to the OP. I’m 44, gay, atheist, introverted until I get to know people, and married. My husband travels a lot for work so I have some alone time and he had a major health scare earlier this year where he was in and out of the hospital for a couple months. That made me definitely rely on friends I had made.
So a heartwarming meetup-ish story:
I’m a hobby hopper and a lifelong learner. About 6 years ago, I got really into board games. My husband? Not really into board games. My friends? Not really into board games either. I found an online forum, boardgamegeek.com, and went to the local forum to see if there were others out there in my neighborhood. Since my husband travels during the week and we have dogs (whom I feel guilty about leaving at home alone), I put out there that I was looking to host a board game night at my house once a week. A couple people responded and pretty soon, I’ve had a regular group going. In fact, one of the people who came, I was his first gay friend and he was my best man in my wedding last year.
The best way to make friends, even for my introversion, has been with a common interest or activity. Learning a language, playing board games, cooking, work, and writng a book (through NaNoWriMo events) have all been ways I’ve made friends over the years. If I can do it in Minnesota (which is known for people not making friends after high school, seriously), you can do it in SF. Good luck!
IIRC **Roderick **you have dipped your toes in to city politics recently, right? I have an inkling that one of your responses above indicates that the one group you joined did not work out as much of a social networking type deal and won’t be long-term. But, that doesn’t mean you have to stop there.
I started out 3 years ago on one city committee that met monthly (if that) and only lasted 3 years but in the meantime I got to know more people involved in with the city (either paid staff, elected officials or just concerned residents), joined more committees, went to all the council meetings and became involved and now I am a city council member. But I also spend about as much time socializing with my “city friends” as I do working as a council person. And the group of people who hang are socially and politically diverse.
Actually the guy I was running for council “with” (there were 3 seats up for election and he was one of the other candidates, and we worked together) is 65 and had never done politics before. And he started out just going to council meetings and stuff. Showing up. Now he’s out with us all the time, socially, and we’re pals even though he’s my parents’ age.
Not everyone who hangs with us works for the city, remember. Still have people in our group that are just concerned citizens.
My city is only a puny exurb of 11k people. You’re in one of America’s greatest cities! You can use your foray into politics as one of many stepping stones into a social circle that is based on your love of your city.
One aspect I like about it is that you can involve yourself with the aspects you feel comfortable with, that you know about, are passionate about and have time for. There are so many levels. My dad is now mostly in defence thinktanks, pretty serious and involved. But a friend set up this system for their local chapter where the monthly drinks have two elements:
It has to be in a different bar in a different area every time, everyone must get out of their comfort zone and meet the people of that area + the people of that area are given easy access to the party & local politicians
Accessible for members and non-members - non-members are especially welcome and made to feel heard but in an informal/fun way (ie you don’t necessarily have to Have Something To Say)
Pretty simple to set up. My dad says 20 years ago you could never have explained to him that he would visit so many biker bars, shisha bars, sports bars and gay bars in so many areas, that he would meet such diverse people and have so much fun doing that.
I’m mentioning this example because I think getting involved in politics has something for everyone. It doesn’t have to be… whatever you imagine politics to be. You don’t have to run. You don’t have to knock on doors. There is loads of important stuff to do
What about an astronomy club? It’s with a group but also by yourself looking through your telescope. They are usually quiet, friendly types. I’m thinking of joining one myself in the new year.
Thanks, that is a heartwarming story. I suspect if my husband were away from home a lot I would be almost forced to go out and do more; since he’s always home it’s perhaps too easy to just settle in each day.
Yes, you’re right about that being the group that has been a bust socially (and I’m flattered you remembered that much about me). It does open a lot of potential doors for doing more, and there are local and state associations of former civil grand jury members. Once I’m off the jury, I’ll have more time to pursue some of those things, and probably will.
Take some classes, learn a new language? Wine tasting events? Lectures? Volunteer at the library? and absolutely the symphony and opera can use more patrons although if you are in San Francisco, that’s probably very high society. Smaller city operas–those that managed to survive the economy crash in '08-- are *very *welcoming and it will be folks your own age.
I’m much in your boat, OP, though even more prone to settle for my own comfort zone. However, another option here would be a local University of the Third Age, which I understand has a US equivalent in Lifelong Learning Institutes. Or do you have the equivalent of our adult learning classes in things like languages, arts and crafts, music and so on?
I’m also in SF, and agree that making friends can be challenging. I’m younger than you but feel like if I see a friend twice or 3 times a year it’s a win. I also have a policy of basically never saying no to anything. You gotta show up to other people’s invites if you want them to say yes to yours. And finally open yourself to rejection - not everyone will want to connect, but you gotta keep asking.
Try going to a coffee shop every day at the same time, eventually you may start noticing the other people going at the same time & can start chatting.
I agree with the docent idea, and we do have so many great museums here.
Take a class in something you’ve wanted to learn. Salsa or French or Pottery or C++ (ok maybe not that).
Meetups can be great, definitely try finding something there.
Also if you volunteer for something, offer to do the scutwork that no one else wants to do - that’ll make you very well liked by the established members.
Remember though friendship may take some time to ripen, so give it a year before you really ask yourself if it’s all working or not. Good luck.
