At work, we have free sodas supplied to us. The fridge in the breakroom is stocked with Coke, Pepsi, diet versions of each, 7-Up, and Dr Pepper. This is good, as the soda gods have smiled upon the IT department and blessed us with a bountiful… bounty.
This morning, a project manager or business analyst or vice departmental sales regional head (or possibly just a janitor- I’m still new here, and busy associating names and titles) sent out an email saying that people from Pepsi will be on site tomorrow, and we should be sure to get rid of all Coke-branded products for the day. No skin off my nose.
I had an unopened 12 oz can of 7-Up sitting by me, and I wondered aloud whether 7-Up was owned by Coca-Cola or Pepsi. One coworker said Coke, another said Pepsi, another said Satanic Freemasons.
I laughed. Oh, did I laugh, but little did I know how true it was.
The side of my can says in small block letters “CANNED BY THE AMERICAN BOTTLING COMPANY, NORTHLAKE, ILLINOIS 60164 UNDER THE AUTHORITY OF DR PEPPER/SEVEN UP, INC., PLANO, TX 75024.” That’s all fine and good, but who owns Dr Pepper/Seven Up, Inc.? A quick call to the consumer comment line would resolve this, I thought.
Joyce answered on the first ring, and was a delight to speak to. She explained that Dr Pepper/Seven Up, Inc. (hereafter referred to as DP/SUI, which sounds somewhat like a moving violation involving alcohol) is owned by Cadbury-Schweppes, and is bottled/canned by either Coke, Pepsi, or a different facility depending on the market. She also asked for my address so she could mail out some complimentary coupons – I suspect that it was merely a ruse to get my address to break down the door in the middle of the night with a team of camoflagued agents from the Justice Department League of America and drag me away for uncovering the associations with Satanic Freemasons.
I should have asked if Cadbury-Schweppes was owned by Satanic Freemasons, but my initial concern that 7-Up was a Pepsi product was allayed. I hung up, notified the rest of the IT department that we can still drink 7-Up tomorrow, and went back about my business.
Some time passed, and your fearless protagonist looked at the can again and saw a phrase printed near the UPC symbol.
REXAM.
Clearly code for SATAN.
So I called them again, and Lesley (who was another pleasure to speak with, despite her Satanic Freemason overlords) was baffled by this. She put me on hold to ask the senior sales representative, who admitted that he had worked there for nine years and never noticed that. This reaffirmed my suspicion that I was drinking liquid evil.
She asked for my address again (hey, more coupons! Or more jackbooted thugs; either way, it’ll be fun) and my phone number to call me back once she found the answer.
A few minutes passed.
Lesley called me back and informed me that Rexam was the name of the can manufacturer, which creates the cans, imprints everything on it, and ships it to the canning facility. A likely story, I thought, and so I visited rexam.com – which coincidentally was the homepage for Rexam, Inc, which claims to create cans and bottles and other assorted things.
I’m not one to be fooled.
I know that the red dot in the middle of the 7-Up logo is the baleful eye of Satan staring at me.
Watching me.
But I’ll fool him.
I’ll destroy the can. I won’t recycle it. Recycling would allow this scourge to continue its reign. I must take this can to the Cracks of Doom in Mordor. Yea, unto the ends of the earth I will continue this quest, until all of mankind can live free of the Red Eye.
