There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo” she shouts, “how can I get to the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, “You are on the other side.”
How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg while raking leaves?
A: Fell out of the tree.
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde’s butt?
A: Brain tumor.
A blind man sitting on a bar stool in a crowded bar shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The guy next to him leans over and whispers, "Hey, man, before you start telling that joke, I gotta tell you something.
Our bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond. I’m a 6’ tall, 220 lb rugby player. The girl next to me is a karate black belt. The fella to your right is a pro wrestler. And all of US are blondes. Are you really sure you want to tell a joke like that in this company?"
The blind guy says, “Oh, forget it. Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
The absolute funniest is when I told a blonde joke to my blonde cousin and she didn’t get it. She’s still mad at me for laughing so hard.
Q. How can you tell when a blonde has been using the computer?
A1. There’s white-out on the screen.
A2. The joystick is wet.
It’s not so much that blonde women are dumb. It’s just that so many dumb women choose to be blonde. Really! A smart woman sitting at home on a Saturday night might just read a book (or write one!), while a dumb woman will most likely decide to dye her hair and find that the only colour she can think of is blonde.
(BTW, ivylass, yours cracked me up, and Antigen, please tell your cousin how amused I was.)
Q : What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown ?
A : Artificial Intelligence
(My personal fave…)
A motorcycle cop is hiding behind a billboard waiting to catch speeders when a red corvette blows past him doing a hundred miles an hour. He starts his motorcycle and gives chase. When he catches up, hw is astonished to see a beautiful blonde knitting while steering with her knees.
The cop gestures and commands: “Pull over!”
The blonde shouts back: “No! Afghan!”
My daughter’s blonde friend tells this one:
Why do brunettes tell many blonde jokes?
Because they have to do something on Saturday nights.
Q: How can you tell when another blonde sits down at the same computer?
A: There’s writing on the white-out.
I just heard this blonde joke earlier this week.
Two blondes are looking at the moon. The first says “I wonder which is farther away, Florida, or the moon.”
The second blonde says “Well, duh, can you see Florida from here?”
Several years ago I was kicked out of Osburn’s only convenience store. The manager changes her hair color frequently. I was telling the on-duty cashier a blonde joke. I stopped in the middle of it and looked at the manager. She asked me why I didn’t finish the joke, so I told her that I was checking to see if she was blonde that week. So, I was asked to leave. She has since seen the humor in the situation.
Two blondes are walkin on the beach. The first one says to the second"You’re walking funny, honey. DId you hurt your leg?"
The second one says “No, I have a date tonight so I have curlers in my hair.”
The blond male I told it to didn’t get until the red headed male leaned over and yelled BUSH!
What’s brown and black and blue?
A brunette who told too many blonde jokes.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
What do you get when you stand a blonde on her head?
A brunette with bad breath.
Three women are talking about what one item each would want if she were stranded in the desert. The redhead says: “I’d want a 2-liter bottle of water so I could keep quenching my thirst when I started to get dry.”
The brunette says: “I’d want a watermelon. I could not only suck out the juice, but get some nutrition from the flesh.”
The blonde says: “I’d carry around a car door, so when I got hot, I could roll down the window, and let the breeze rush in…”
Two blondes were driving down a country road. The passenger notices a comotion in the middle of a wheat field.
“Look, there are three blondes in a row boat in the middle of that field. They seem to be trying to row across the field!”
The driver slows down to look. “Damn, its dumb blondes like them that give the rest of us a bad name… It makes me so mad… I’d go out there and beat some sense into them… if I could swim!”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all of them pregnant, were waiting in their doctor’s office for their checkups. The brunette says, “I know I’m having a girl because he was on top.” The redhead says, “I know I’m having a boy because I was on top.” At hearing this, the blonde begins crying her eyes out. When she finally settles down, the others ask her what’s wrong. She answers, “I’m having puppies!”
What’s the difference between a blonde and a pickle jar?
You can’t fit your whole fist in a pickle jar.
The Cuckoo
A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final
plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover. It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not
build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other
birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the
vulture?”
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have
to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home
happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She
called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The
cuckoo.”
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand
the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that
the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant
said, “C: The cuckoo.” “Is that your final answer?” asked Regis. “Yes,
that is my final answer.” Two minutes later, Regis said, “I regret to
inform you that that answer is… absolutely correct. You are now a
millionaire!”
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million
dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the
contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question,
I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the
assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go
with your choice. By the way… how did you happen to know the right
answer?”
“Oh, come on,” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t
build nests. They live in clocks.”