Get yer blonde jokes here

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

It’s been awhile for me…I need a fix, so I’ll start off Feel free to substitute the appropriate follicle color…

Painting the Porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Blonde Bank Robbers
Two blondes decided to rob a bank. They planned the event meticulously over a period of several weeks. Then came the day to execute the plan. Buffy was the driver of the getaway car. They got to the bank and, as Wendy was about to get out, Buffy asked one more time, “Have you got the plan straight in your mind?” Wendy, of course, replied that she did; and Buffy reminded her that she could be in the bank for no more than 3 minutes.

Wendy went in as Buffy waited outside in the car with the motor running. One minute passed…then two…three…five…seven. Buffy began to get really nervous.

Suddenly Wendy emerged from the bank pulling a safe which she had obviously wrapped securely with the other end of the rope. Just as she got the safe into the trunk of the car, a security guard burst from the bank, unable to run very fast because his pants were at his ankles, hobbling him.

As they drove away, Buffy was furious at Wendy.

“How many times do I have to tell you,” she screamed, “tie up the guard and blow the safe.”

2

Why are most blonde jokes one-liners?

So that men can remember them.

3

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting,“51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. “51 days, 51 days,51 days!”

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in
raising the roof. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the
middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child’s puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?”

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in only 51 days.

4

Two blondes are walking down the street, when one sees a makeup compact on the sidewalk.

She picks it up, opens it, and looks into the little mirror.

“Oh my God!” she exclaims. “That person’s face looks totally familiar!”

The other blonde grabs it and takes a look.

“You dummy,” she says. “That’s me.”

Two blondes stand on opposite shores of a small lake, within clear eyesight and earshot of one another.

“Hey!” one blonde yells to the other. “How do I get to the other side of the lake?”

The other blonde goes silent for several minutes, obviously deep in thought.

Finally she yells back, “You are on the other side of the lake!”

5

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, Asshole. vWhat makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, “You stay out of this, Mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

6

A blond, tired of all the dumb blond jokes directed at her, decides to dye her hair and become a brunette.

A few weeks later she is taking a drive through the countryside and has to stop as she comes across a flock of sheep being herded across the road by their shepherd.

Getting out of her car and watching the sheep for awhile she notices the shepherd standing there and tells him how cute she thinks all of the sheep are.

He thanks her and she asks him to make a bet:

“If I can guess how many sheep you have will you give me one?”

The shepherd thinks a moment and figures why the heck not and tells her to give it a try.

She looks over the flock for a moment and blurts out “338”. The shepherd is stunned as it is exactly the right answer. Being a man of his word he tells her to pick one of his flock for her own.

The woman surveys the milling animals and while they are all cute there is one that is far more playful and cute than all the rest. She points to it and says, “I’ll take that one.”

Dumbfounded the shepherd says, “Ok…but now I have a bet for you. If I can guess your true hair color can I have my dog back?”

Along those lines

What’s another name for an intelligent blond?

A Golden Retreiver.

7

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally after getting all the necessary “tools” together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more. “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

She stopped, looked skyward and said," Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ALLTEL ARENA!”

Did you hear about the two blondes that walked into the bank?

You’d think one of them would have seen it.

8

A blonde goes into a bank in New York and requests a $5,000 dollar loan. She is directed to the bank manager, who says, “In order to put up that kind of a loan, we will need some sort of collateral. What can you offer?”

The blonde says, “My 1999 Ferrari. I’ll be on vacation for three weeks; you can hold my car until I return, and I will pay back the loan at that time.”

The bank manager agrees, processes the paperwork, and provides the loan.

3 weeks later, the blonde returns to the bank, and repays the loan in full, in cash, plus the $25.00 interest for the three weeks. The bank manager is rather curious about this arrangement, and asks her, “From the paperwork you filled out for your loan, it’s obvious that you have considerable financial means. Why did you need to take out a loan for only $5000 for only 3 weeks?”

The blonde replies, “Simple. I was going on vacation. Where else in New York can I get secure parking for a Ferrari for three weeks for only $25?”

You didn’t say they had to be dumb blonde jokes.

9

Jeff–
I remember you posting that one and it is among my favorites now. I’ll post the one I did last time too:

Blonde is driving down country road when she sees another blonde in a row boat in the middle of a huge meadow. Curious, she pulls over and hollers, “Hey! What do you think you’re doing out there?”
Second blonde yells back, “I’m FISHING. Now leave me alone.”
First blonde, angered hollers, “You can’t do that. Don’t you know anything? Come over here.”
Second blonde retorts, “I can do what I want. How’re you gonna stop me?”
First blonde, “Don’t make me swim out there and kick your ass!”

It’s bad. I’m sorry.

10

2 jokes:

(1)
What’s the difference between a male blonde and a female blonde?

The female has a higher sperm count.

(2)
A male blonde came into work on Monday with a story. “I was walking home Friday and I saw a woman tied to the railway tracks. I untied her, took her home, and we made mad passionate love all weekend!”
Co-worker: “Was she beautiful?”
Blonde: “I don’t know, her head was missing.”

11

What’s a blonde with a loonie (Canadian 1$ coin) on her head?

All you can eat (for) under a buck!

12

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian’s head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, “I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children.” He then says, “If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I’ll give him one thousand dollars.”

The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, “Dave, take a look at this.” Dave replied, “Not now, I’m busy.”

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, “I really think you should look at this.”

Dave said, “Look, you can see I’m busy. There’s a thousand dollars in my hand.”

But Jeff was adamant. “Please, Dave, take a look at this.”

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, “Oh . . . my . . . God . . .we’re going to be millionaires!”

13

There’s a good reason we fall into the stereotype.

It’s not so much that blonde women are dumb; it’s just that so many dumb women choose to be blonde!

14

:wally I’m a blonde woman and I take offence to blonde jokes. I’m a highly intelligent person. :wally

LOL I’m just joking. Atleast about taking offence to blonde jokes.

;j ;j ;j ;j ;j ;j ;j ;j ;j ;j ;j ;j ;j ;j

15

That would make an excellent sig line.

16

A blond woman named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial trouble.
She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray… “God, please help me.
I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays…“God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.” Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays…“My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: “Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!”

Bill, Michael, and their blonde friend Stacy were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Bill won the first prize: a whole year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Michael won the second prize: six month’s supply of gourmet spaghetti.
Stacy won the sixth prize: a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Stacy asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
“Great,” said Michael. “I love spaghetti.”
“So do I,” said Brian. “And how’s the toilet brush, Stacy?”
“Not so good,” Stacy confided. “I’m going to have to go back to paper.”

17

This blonde gets pulled over by a cop.
“Licence and Registration, ma’am” he asks.
“What is a licence,” the dumb blonde inquires.
The cop replies,“You know the card with your picture on it you got at DMV.”
The blonde recalls and remembers (thank God) that it is in her wallet. She hands it to the Police Officer.
“Registration?” the cops asks.
“Regis… what?” The blonde asks.
The cop describes what the registration paperwork is and the blonde looks in the glove box and finds it. She hands it over to the cop.
The cop is bewildered by the stupidity of this woman. He walks back to his car to radio it all in. His buddy on patrol comes on the radio and asks our fellow officer if she is a blonde woman with a red Porche. Our officer answers that she is indeed. He tells the cop to walk over to her car and pull his pants down. Our wonderful patient police officer inquires why and the other cop says “Just DO IT!” So Mr. Obiedent Officer does. He walks up to her car and hands her the reg. and licence and begins to unbuckle his pants.
“OH NO!” cries the blonde.
“Not ANOTHER BREATHALIZER!”
:smiley:

18

Three blondes were walking around when they came accross some trakcs.

“I think they’re dear tracks,” one says.

“No, no, they’re obviously bear tracks.”

“No, you idiots! Can’t you see that they’re cow tracks?!”

They were still arguing when they train hit them.

A blond realizes she has locked her keys in the car. She enlists the help of her blonde friend. They realize that the window is slightly ajar, and they can stick a wire hanger down and pull up the latch. The first blonde prepares the hanger, and starts maneuvering it.

“No, go a little to the left. No, a little more to the right. OK, pull up. No! Left! Left!”

Eventually, the hanger operator becomes so frustrated, she screams, “Stop criticizing me! It’s easier for you to see when you’re the one in the car, ya know!!”

19

Thanks, KimKatt. It’s yours if you want it.

I’d use it myself, but I’m not blonde, dumb, or female. Oh, well, I guess I can’t have everything. :frowning:

20

A blonde, brunette, and redhead escaped from prison. The sheriff and deputy chased them into a farmhouse. The girls found 3 sacks marked “potatoes” and each hid in one.

The deputy looked around and saw nothing so he yelled to the sheriff, “No one is in here.” The sheriff told him to look in the sacks.

He kicked the sack the redhead was in and she said, “Meow.”. The deputy yelled, It’s just a cat." He kicked the one the brunette was in and she said, “Woof!”. He yelled, “It’s just a dog!”. He kicked the one the blonde was in and she said, “Potatoes.”