Miss Manners isn’t really relevant here. In non-workplace social situations, her suggestion is indeed the correct response. And then you can choose whether or not to be in social situations with the offending person.
The workplace is different, because you have to show up. You don’t have the option of avoiding your co-workers. This is why different rules apply, why there’s such a thing as sexual harassment in the workplace, but it’s not defined for random settings of voluntary social interaction.
I can’t imagine having a problem with it, but it’s never happened to me, either. But I’m also not the type who cares if someone likes me in that way, as long as they don’t move forward and make it awkward. It’s one place where traditional gender roles are nice–every woman that has ever liked me has just dropped hint after hint until I picked up on it. I think I’ve encountered the awkward stage exactly once.
I will admit that I do believe that many feminists are very insecure about their appearance, and, unlike many other people, compliments don’t help these people. So while I don’t agree with the characterization, I understand the “Feminazi” declaration. I would say it’s a bit misogynistic, however, that you’ve extrapolated from the feminists you’ve known to one you don’t–if monstro even qualifies as a feminist. (I agree with her on most things in this area, but I don’t consider myself a feminist.)
For example, I have told Lindsay Ellis, aka The Nostalgia Chick, when she claimed that “feminism was dead” that she was clearly insecure about her appearance if a few comments on it made her so upset. And, yes, I phrased it more tactfully than that–I’m not a boor.
EDIT: Just read the “I’m just trying to be NICE” thing. That changes things. This guy is a douchebag “nice guy” with a “men’s rights” leaning. “Can’t a guy be NICE” translates into something like “Poor, pitiful men who can’t compliment a woman.” And screams the entitlement of the “nice guy.” If you know something is making someone you respect uncomfortable, you stop doing it, or at least try.
Yeah, if I were you, I’d be trying to stop it, and I might get others involved if necessary.
no not a lawyer. Logical first step to tell the guy the comments are …whatever they are to her, unwanted, uncomfortable etc. Give the guy a chance to alter his behavior. Should he not stop, then take appropriate steps as you described. But running off to HR and or the Boss for guidance puts the guy on their radar.
Because you have already asked him to tone it down and his response was not appropriate, I also agree that this guy has some entitlement problems, like BigT says. I guess the important thing is, how do you feel about him continuing to compliment you, monstro? Can you shrug it off as an old guy being a git, or would you really like him to stop? I think it might be time to talk to him again, and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is making you uncomfortable, and it needs to stop.
ETA: And don’t worry about sounding mean; if he was a truly nice guy, he would have stopped after you said something the first time.
On the Grand Annoyance Scale, with “10” being “I’m fixing to kill this muthafucka”, this registers as a 3.
So it’s piddly, really.
I’ll ignore him. I won’t go out of my way to embarrass him, but I won’t encourage him by thanking him.
And Panda, I don’t have to enjoy it. I don’t have to make a big deal out of it. But I don’t have to pretend to enjoy something just because it could be a lot worse. I don’t think it’s too much to want to be treated like any other coworker.
Next time around, say “Thanks, again, but I’ve already asked you to stop with the constant compliments.” (Maybe also throw in a little something about personal commentary being inappropriate in the workplace.)
He huffs “I’m just trying to be NICE!”
You respond “You know that a big part of being nice is respecting other people’s boundaries, right? Without that, it’s not nice at all.”
And from there on, every time he make an unwanted personal comment, you can tell him “I thought you were trying to be nice to me, remember?” Call him on it every time, hopefully he’ll get the hint.
Lots of people are insecure about their looks. I assure you that me thinking women are people deserving of equal rights doesn’t have anything to do with my self confidence or ability to take inappropriate harassment. I feel like I can comfortably guess thatmonstro is in the same boat.
Anyway, my dear OP, the first few compliments, I’d politely thank him for the compliments, then not think about it. What you’ve described though, goes beyond that. If you are uncomfortable, you are totally in the right to have told him to knock it off. I also understand your desire not to escalate it— and the reason why is full well on display in this thread.
So, given that, perhaps you should be super direct with him. Politely but firmly pull him aside next time he says something and say, “I understand that you’ve got nothing but the best of intentions, but I want to be VERY clear about something: your constant comments about my physical appearance make me uncomfortable. — Can’t a guy be nice anymore? Absolutely! But I know that a truly nice guy would NEVER want to make a lady uncomfortable, right? So, please stop. No, really, I’m telling you that you have to stop this. It’s making me uncomfortable.”
Yeah, that’s it, get this poor schnook fired because he’s too damn nice. That’ll teach 'em!:rolleyes:
What’s next “That damn dude, he’s always wishing me “Good Morning!” in a chipper tone of voice. Well, I hate chipper in the morning. Off with his head.”
You missed the part where she already asked him nicely to stop, he bitched about just trying to be NICE dammit, and completely ignored her request. Being unable to “hear” a no is a classic sign of a controlling personality.
At this point, he’s no longer trying to be nice by the dictionary definition of the word. He’s trying to assert his ahem “niceness” over her.
So much this. How can you enjoy something if it truly makes you cringe? It’s like religious people who tell atheists that they are going to hell and that they can be saved if they only believe. How can you make yourself do something that you doesn’t make any sense to you?
Is your mission on this board to completely miss the point? Because if so, you seem to be doing a pretty bang up job.
I’m a feminist because I want women to be treated the same as men in the workplace. This doesn’t mean I just want to be paid the same. I want people to give me the same personal distance and respect that they would give me if I were a dude.
How would you feel if another dude kept complimenting you on your looks? What if he complimented you in front of male coworkers, singling you out?
When this guy can’t say a single thing to me except “You are so lovely today!”, it makes me feel like he doesn’t view me as an intellectual equal.
The thing is, the work place has really drawn a line on this kind of thing. Corporate America ‘don’t play’ when it comes to sexual harassment.
I’m the type who this kind of stuff never bothers me, or if it does, it never bothers me enough to take any kind of action. I have never reported a co worker for anything ever in my entire lifetime. Microwaving stinky fish? It will air out eventually. Falling asleep at your desk? Poor dear. Stealing company supplies, better not get caught! Telling racist jokes? Ok, attention whore.
But if someone is giving lots of unwanted attention to a coworker, they really don’t have any excuse to play the ‘just being nice card’ because the companies have been super clear about this. We all read the pamphlets and sat through the meetings and watched the videos and had the lectures. All of us. So if one still can’t tell the difference between being nice and giving the kind of incessant compliments that makes one feel uneasy even after being told by the object of his comments, he needs to hear it from management. He probably won’t be fired, but he will maybe be given a strong reminder of the anti-harassment rules, and a write up to make him understand that it’s serious.
I’m with you with the face. Say something like, “Please: I appreciate the sentiment, but your compliments are making me feel self-conscious, and I don’t enjoy that feeling.” I also agree with saying that in front of other people, if you can. You’ve warned him once, and he needs to stop. No matter how genuine the sentiments, if it’s not welcome, it’s not welcome, and you are the only one who gets an opinion on where that line is drawn.
sounds like you have to pick one or the other. You mentioned on the irritation scale its a 3 out of 10, that is pretty minor, agree? how about not being treated like an equal? where does that rank on your scale of annoyance?
“I’m just trying to be NICE,” he said. "Can’t a guy be NICE anymore?*** Sheesh***
and he actually replied with a "sheesh? who says that outloud?
For the doubters in the crowd, after monstro explicitly told him to knock it off, we’re into harassment territory* now at a different company where they would handle it better.
*Yes, I know it sounds like an overreaction, but it is harassment.
If he called me a dumb broad and told me to go fix him lunch, that would score a “9”.
If he asked if I need any help with my spreadsheets because he knows girls get overwhelmed so easily, that would score a “7”.
He compliments me daily on my visual presentation. Is this akin to him dragging by my hair into a cave? No. Is it still annoying? Sure. So it rates as a “3”.