Not mundane, but possibly a pointless post.
It’s been three months since my father died. I keep thinking about seeing him in the hospital, and wishing I’d pulled off that stupid oxygen mask. Stupid hospital. I hate hospitals. I hate them all. I wish there were no hospitals.
I mostly wish I could cry. But I don’ have any tears. I grieve ahead of time and had none left. But every day I think about it.
I don’t live anymore.
Bandit I truly feel for you. My father passed away Sunday night. He was on ventilator assist but breathing on his own. I signed a DNR and was allowed to stay in the room until his heart stopped. He kept breathing for another 2 hours when the attending physician finally showed up and unplugged the machine.
I have times I’m perfectly fine and then the smallest thing sets me off. I’ll see a display of peaches at MallWart or a funeral commercial on tv or turn on the radio and get “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”
I’m coping by reading books on grieving. And I yell at my dad a lot. Today I was ironing his burial clothes, yelling at him for making me do the ironing. His cell phone rang unexpectedly and I burnt my arm on the iron. Somehow I think he was laughing at me for that one.
If you need to talk, my email address is in my profile.
Davmi
I think I know how you feel, pal. My mom has been gone for nine years, and staying in her room at the hospital to watch her die was just unbearable. I wish they had given her an overdose of morphine or something to make her unaware of dying, and just got it over with. She was suffering something awful, and we could not wait for her to die, just so she’d be out of her misery.
I couldn’t cry, either. Like you, I did all my grieving beforehand, and I still can’t cry about it. I don’t think about it every day, but I do think about it. I hate thinking about it. You’ll get your life back one of these days. It won’t be the same, but it won’t be so desolate.
I’m very sorry for your loss bandit. I hope that bearing it gets better with time and you can enjoy the happier memories instead. 
I have been where you are now, and can tell you it does get better. I’m not going to lie and say the pain goes away, because the loss is always there, but it becomes managable. You can live with it, and it will lessen over time. Three months isn’t a very long time.
When you get the mental images of him in the hospital, force yourself to think of something you did with your father that you both enjoyed, or a time when he made you laugh. Those memories will always be part of you, just as your father will always be part of you.
{{{smiling bandit}}}
my, I, him, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I
That’s one “him” but one “my” and eleven “I”'s.
My father died last year. I guess I’m lucky. It was probably the biggest reunion since my parent’s 50th aniversary party. All five of us kids and my mother & her two sisters, six grankids, various 1st cousins and 2nd cousins and one great-grandchild. We held him as he breathe his last breath. The pronoun I, we used most was “we”. Don’t grieve or laugh or cry or reminisce alone. Go seek life.
The wound is still raw.
Some times it stings.
Some times you can’t feel a thing.
Reach out for the sunshine as often as you can.
That’s the worst thing. I don’t feel pain. Just cold. Cold all through.
I can’t grieve with my family. Only my mother is left around here, my brother gone off to college. I would pretend I’m being strong to support my mother, but in reality I just can’t feel anything. I just don’t care about much. I bury myself in work because I’ve nothing else.
I’m sorry to hear that. I mostly stay away from death threads (it took me three months to write this one. I can never think of anything to say. And now I’m writing oen of my own and I can’t think of anything to say.
I suppose one good thing is that I’ve become more mature. I think about the things I do more. I do a lot mor chores to take the burden off of mom. She seems to be working a lot, too, but isn’t as interested in work.
A finalk thing is that I’ve really stopped caring about board political disputes. I used to relish the Bush v Gore and Bush v Kerry things. Now I don’t care as much. Part of it was simply overload (years of anti-Bush posts took a lot of the interest out of it), but this didn’t help. Politics as usual seems so petty now.
I am so sorry to hear your news. I wish there was something that I could say that would make it better, but there isn’t. Sending supporting thoughts your way.
Thank you all for your support. It does make me feel a bit better.