As one grows older, one sees things as they really are. Sometimes it’s pie-in-the-face obvious, other things require some investigation. These observations are blatantly obvious, although it took me a long time to pick up on them.
With out further ado, I unveil what I am now calling Dave’s Axiom, the Ancillary to Dave’s Axiom, and Dave’s Corollary to Dave’s Axiom.
Dave’s Axiom: No matter how long it’s been, whether it be six hours, six days, or six years since you last ate it, when you pinch off a loaf there will always be corn in it.
Ancillary to Dave’s Axiom: If you come down with EAS (Exploding Ass Syndrome, a.k.a. the trots), the corn will be of the creamed variety.
Dave’s Corollary to Dave’s Axiom: No matter how long it’s been, whether it be six hours, six days, or six years since you last ate it, when you blow chunks there will always be peas in it.
All I need is a few million dollars in grant money to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt and I will be famous for all time. Anyone want to front me the cash? I’m accepting donations so I can get started until the science department starts my funding.
Until that time, though, I want you to remember that I thought of it first.
Up here in 1505 land, I find that the corn appears two days later. No sooner, no later. There are three certainties: death, taxes, and corn on Tuesday after corn on Sunday.
I’ll help sponsor you. I have 67 cents to get you going (as it were). Can I send you a check, or do you want the coins?
It’s not the statue I’m worried about, it’s that the main doors, decorated to look like two hands, will slide open revealing a red lobby behind them. Sort of like an animated goatse.
It took me a little while to work out what *pinching off a loaf * must mean. It’s not a phrase I’ve ever heard used before. I kept thinking “but how does the corn get into the loaf of bread, and why would you go around pinching the bread anyway?”
That’s not corn. Alien implants morph into vegetable pseudomorphs when they don’t take root. Females look like corn, males look like peas. If you’ve been exposed to terminal amounts of alien radiation, they come out looking creamed.
Billy Connolly had a routine based on this idea (except with carrots and tomatoes) maybe 30 years ago. His theory was there was some pervert following him around with pockets full of diced carrots; as soon as he barfed the guy would toss in a handful.
