A few Minor Tips for Ensuring Your Painful Death on the Road

The BBQ Pit
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Dear Knoxvillians, please listen close. I have noticed several of you angling to be killed horribly while on the road. Allow me to help.

1: Yes, wearing all black and walking out into the road with no signal in a dark interesection is an excellent way to ensure your death. However, it’s clear you also slightly tilted your head lazily in order to not be smashed from one direction. Avoid the impulse to check and let events take their course.

2: As above, but with biking. Remember, however, that you should darken your bike with more covering than you had on, so as to render yourself totally invisible to drivers at night. It’s good that you didn’t wear any reflectors or lights, but make sure we can’t discern your presence by seeing the streetlights glimmer offf your frame. You wouldn’t want to live through the wreck now, would you? Still, riding straight through the itnersection on the sidewealk is a nice touch.

3: Speaking of which, you casual bikers should definitely stay off the rarely-used except by other bikers sidewalk. Sure, you’re casually zipping along a busy road which now has numerous obstructions stuck in them middle to confuse drivers, but a few of you are hopping onto the empty sidewalk (since the area has nothing around for pedestrians). This is really quite improper! Although there doesn’t seem to be a legal rule here against it, I must endorse the children riding around the busy road with poor sightlines and too many cars instead of saving their lives. And we adults must set a good example!*

4: Yes, cutting people off is a good idea at 80 miles per hour in rush hour. But why signal at all, even at the last second? Make sure you cut across all three or four lanes, too.

5: Yes, motorcyclist, drive way too fast through the lights and then flip people off when they try to make a lane change and guess you are moving no more than twice the speed limit (since they probably didn’t see you coming. With luck, you’ll be distracted and smash into a tree, or possibly into the back of their vehicle.

6: Remember truckers, while you likely can’t kill yourself out there, you may be capable of arranging for others to die against you, which is almost as good. Make sure you act as roving roadblocks and keep people from entering the highway by staying right smack in the right-hand lane as you enter the city. For additional points, be utterly oblivious to this fact.

  • Seriously, I wouldn’t normally suggest people bike on the sidewalk, but in an area which sees very few walkers, it’s much safer for all concerned. If there are too many walkers, then there are also probably too many drivers and it’s not a good time to ride.
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Knoxvillains ?

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Residents of Knoxville, one presumes.

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Yes. If they hadn’t pumped me down to Guest, you would presumably still see my location field. That kinda pisses me off, because IIRC I was a Charter Member, too. Sucks.

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Bikers: be sure to take both hands off the handlebars when you are riding your bike in the street. This will make you swerve around, and will make it harder for cars to miss you. (Saw someone doing this in Santa Cruz)

Drivers: you increase the chances of getting in an accident when you don’t brush the snow off all your windows before driving. It’s helpful to brake constantly when driving on an icy road, too. Remember, you want to make sure other drivers can’t figure out what you’re going to do next! (Saw this one here in Pittsburgh this weekend)

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You guys missed the joke. Quoting with emphasis added:

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Pedestrians, enjoy the concert-hall experience during your walk across a busy street with your spiffy Bose noise-canceling headphones! They cancel out noise so well that you can barely hear drivers honking their horns at you or the oncoming car that almost didn’t see you in time.

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I’m one of those pedestrians who walks around dressed completely in black. I understand how dangerous this is, and just go on the assumption that I’m completely invisible.

There’s one intersection where I assume I’m invisible even if I’m wearing bright orange, carrying a neon sign, and shouting through a bullhorn. It’s where a side street pulls out onto a main street. (Right turn only.) There is a stop sign there, but you’d never know it from the way people drive. The other night I was about to cross, when a driver came barrelling through. He never looked to his right, nor straight ahead. He only looked left, and actually sped up through the intersection.

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Well…it IS an evil city. :stuck_out_tongue:

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I don’t miss the traffic, the drunk pedestrians, the truckers or the Evel Knievels (and I’m pretty sure I butchered that spelling…but whatever). I don’t miss the air quality, the hippies, the churchies, the greeks or the jam bands. And it’s all so damn close together.

But there was some fine beer to be had and some nice places in which to drink it. Ah, college.

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My first thought on opening the thread was “Damn, it sure would be cool to be a Knoxvillain.”

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Do we get, like, swords and decoder rings?

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And to those who are guilty of the infractions mentioned in the OP, please don’t forget to obtain and carry your organ donor cards at all times.

Preferably laminated or in a plastic sheath, to prevent them from being obscured by blood or fragments of tissue.

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Having lived in Knoxville, TN for about 10 years, I can only :rolleyes: at the OP and must take into consideration that it is written from the POV of a person who is driving an automobile. :stuck_out_tongue:

  1. Merging onto a highway means that you match the other cars’ speed. DO NOT STOP in the merge lane to wait for a gap, as apparently car-driving Knoxvillians are trained to do.

  2. Do not turn left from the right lane.

  3. Conversely, do not turn right from the left lane.

  4. Please read the signs - they are placed there for your continuing education. Finding yourself in the left turn-only lane while needing to go straight… that’s your problem, please don’t make it mine.

  5. Do not honk at bike riders. They have a right to the road as well, and your constant voting against adding bike lanes has only made your problem worse.

  6. Please take the Dubya and McCain stickers off your car - you only make yourself look stupid.

  7. Stop complaining about traffic. You people don’t have the slightest idea of what true traffic is like.

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Just in the interest of providing information - sidewalk riding is also dangerous because cars entering/exiting parking lots & such do not expect anything moving fast on the sidewalks. If they see something on the sidewalk, they tend to assume pedestrian speeds. This can cause grief. Sounds like this may not apply to the area of which you speak, though.

I prefer the Stephenson methodology. “I just assume I’m not invisible. I assume I’m wearing fluorescent clothes, and there’s a million-dollar bounty going to the first driver who manages to hit me. And I ride on that assumption.”

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Silly! Everyone knows that the way to merge onto a highway is to crawl the length of the onramp at about 40mph, yield to traffic, and THEN use your hugely powerful gas-guzzling V8 engine to instantly jackrabbit up to freeway speed!

What’s that you say? You were stuck behind me on the onramp? And you don’t drive an SUV with a hugely powerful gas-guzzling V8 engine? You drive a tiny underpowered compact? And you were left struggling to get up to freeway speed as the merge ramp ended? Well that’s your fault! What are you, some tofu-eating hippie? Tiny cars are un-American!

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Yes, yes you do. And an eyepatch (optional).

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In fairness, most truckers actually entering a city instead of taking the bypass are likely getting off the freeway soon enough, and due to the tendency of autos to pass truckers on the right, or park in the right hand blind spot of truckers who need to exit, I’d likely do the same thing. I’ll add as another option that neither do you know what’s in the trucker’s left rear view. It could be me gaining fast. You should match speed and merge, and then blow past the truck as soon as you can. Hopefully without pulling directly in front of me, going 29 mph faster than both you and the truck.

Now if you want to alter that to truckers who pass at 50 mph another truck going 49.9 mph who is passing another truck going 49.8 mph - well, you could probably get me on board with that.

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Not that applicable in Knoxville - major interstates go straight through the city downtown with not much of a bypass.

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All of those things are common as hell. If you can’t deal with these minor challenges perhaps you ought not drive.