Okay. I’m a ninja here, right? RIGHT? glares until everyone else cowers in fear. Thank you. But in that vast circus called real life, I’m also a persuant of the martial arts - tae kwon do and a smattering of hapkido. I cross-posted a variant of this in an LJ community I subscribe to, and I’ve grown fond of it, and really, it makes more sense to say this to non-martial arts than my fellow martial artists. So, without further ado, a (on preview, very long) list of Things That Bother Me About Non Martial Artists, in Semi-Conversational Form.
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I do martial arts. Specifically, tae kwon do and hapkido. I am allowed to casually refer to it as karate, as in, “Crap crap crap I’m gonna be mad late for karate!”. This is because I am aware of the differences between karate and the dozens of other MAs out there. You, on the other hand, aren’t. So, if we’re chatting, and I tell you I do TKD, please don’t reply with a witty, “Oh, cool! You do karate?” I don’t. I do TKD.
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It’s not kung fu, either.
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To answer your questions before you ask them: Black belt, seven years, five years. I’m assuming your questions are ‘what belt are you’, ‘how long have you been training,’ and ‘how long did it take you to get your black belt?’
3a. Yes, I am a black belt. Yes, for real. No, I’m not joking. Yes, I am a girl. Yes, I am seventeen. Yes, I am very small. Yes, I am a blackbelt!
3b. No, don’t ask me if I’m ‘any good’. It’s not a simple ‘yes or no’ question. What am I good at? I’m good at jump spin kicks, but weaker on sparring. Am I good compared to the white belt that just started training? Yes. Am I good compared to the head instructor of my school, who is an 8th degree blackbelt in hapkido? Uh, no. Am I good compared to someone who trains in a different art? Can’t really say, can I?
3c. Yes, there are different degrees. I’m a first degree. This is too complicated for you. -
Yes, I have broken boards. Yes, with my feet and hands. No, not with my head.
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No, I haven’t ever broken bricks of cement. No, I don’t know if I could punch through that wall. I’ve never tried, and I’m quite happy not knowing. Even if I could, it probably would hurt.
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Okay, I still don’t do kung fu. Stop making silly noises.
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Yes, we do yell. In TKD, we call it a kiyap. To summon the ancient and mystical Powers of the Ninja Stone. Actually, it tightens your abs so getting hit/thrown hurts less, and other reasons that you don’t understand.
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No, I have never killed anyone with my bare hands. Probably couldn’t. I don’t really want to try, but you’re starting to tempt me.
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Yes, we do bow. To the flags, and our instructors, amongst other things. No, it’s not weird after the first couple classes.
9a. Yes, I did just start to absently bow walking into homeroom. Shut up.
9b. Uh, no…I didn’t just absently start to bow as I handed my test in. I was…uh…stretching my neck. -
Yes, the bruises and scraped knuckles did, technically come from fighting, only it was knuckle pushups and sparring and working on a punching bag. Oh, yes, I’m a gangsta looking for a fight. Ha. Ha. Shut up now.
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sigh. No. I’m not going to hit you as hard as I can. I’m tempted, but I won’t. I can’t fathom why you’d ask me to do it. Why not? Well, last time I did that I was in eighth grade and got detention for a week. If you hit me first? Well, I’d be very highly annoyed. I’d consider hitting you back, but really, you’re not worth it, so please don’t.
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Yes, I can kick over my head. Especially if I jump.
12a. Yes, I could sweep you or throw you right now. But I’m not very good at it, so you’d probably get seriously hurt, so no, I won’t do it.
12b. No. I don’t know any ‘kung fu grips’ or ‘karate chops’. Really, there’s NO SUCH THING. And also, I still don’t know kung fu, nor am I a karate kid. Shut up. -
Yes, I really am sore. I spent the better part of an hour doing things that hurt last night.
13a. That odd perfume is Tiger Balm, and it is the nectar of gods. I don’t care if you think it smells funny.
13b. Really, I’m not just trying to get out of gym class. The sprained wrist is real. Look, most of the girls in my gym class have broken a sweat about three times in their life; I do it at least four times a week. Getting out of gym class isn’t worth my effort. -
No. I’m not going to ‘show you my moves’ right now. Because, see those desks? And people? They’re in the way. Also, see that the bells about to ring? Also, I can’t show you my karate, because I don’t know karate!!
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Yes, that page full of little stick figures is a stick figure going through the moves of one of our patterns. It’s more interesting than biology, okay?
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Yes, I spar guys. Most of my classmates are guys. No, I’m not as good as most of them, I’m better than most of them, because they’re lower belts than I am.
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One last time: IT IS NOT KUNG FU. IT IS NOT KARATE..
17a. Watching Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Jet Li, etc, does not mean you know anything about martial arts. At all.
17b. Martial arts in movies? Pretty much all fake.
17c. Okay, how about this? If I do what you asked, and hit you as hard as I can, will you stop calling it kung fu?
And…that’s pretty much it. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had at least snippets of this conversation.