"A Few Words About Elliot" by Demetri Martin

GrandWino · July 30, 2012, 2:45pm

A very funny New Yorker article written by Demetri Martin called “A Few Words About Elliot.” Here’s a snippet of the beginning. It just gets better from there.

Dear Camp Counselor,

Hello. My name is Grace Eldridge. I am Elliot’s mother. Elliot’s father and I are thrilled that he will be spending his summer with you at Camp Chautauqua. As this is Elliot’s first time at sleep-away camp, I wanted to let you know a few things about him so that you will be prepared to look after him properly.

For starters, Elliot does not like to be called “El” or “Ellie.” He prefers “Elliot.” He may insist that you to refer to him as “Claude Death” or “The Night Crawler.” Don’t. That conversation won’t end well.

Please keep an eye on Elliot when he is near the lake. He cannot swim. And he has a nasty habit of jumping into the water and pulling down anyone he can get hold of. Are there many large rocks or throwable objects near the lake? If so, please keep Elliot away from those and any nearby swimmers.

Elliot loves the outdoors and animals. Feel free to let him near any animal that is larger than his mouth.

…

Sir_T-Cups · July 30, 2012, 4:39pm

I love Demetri Martin!

I miss his comedy central show. It was so great.

postcards · July 30, 2012, 7:00pm

“If he makes a joke, feel free to let him know how funny you think it is. Seriously, make sure he knows you liked his joke.”

“Elliot is extremely intelligent. So don’t try to outsmart him. My brother-in-law made that mistake.”

Beware_of_Doug · July 30, 2012, 7:08pm

Swimming: do you do it for fun or to not die?
Well, what are you wearing?
Pants: uh oh.
Trunks: fine.
Naked: we’ll see.

ftg · July 30, 2012, 8:26pm

I got the joke a couple paragraphs in and then it just wandered into tl;dr territory. Needs serious pruning.

The “A few words …” in the title is apparently part of the joke, but actually highlights the problem with its length.

(And his show was funny as long as he kept the bits short. Also watched Contagion the other day and it was weird seeing him in a very small background role in a serious movie.)