Funny kid stories, once again

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I must share. If you can top these, I will probably hurt myself laughing.

Chloe is 7. A week or two ago, the issue of embarrassing things came up, and the conversation worked around so it made sense for me to bring up child predators, in a kid-understandable way, and I told her if anyone tries to do anything like that with her, she has to tell us, even if it feels embarrassing. Her response was, "OR, I could just punch them in the nuts."This evening she asked if my husband knew her friend’s mom, because they both work for the same company locally (along with 13,000 other people). Now, I used to work there too, and one of my co-workers was named Mike Hunt. Really. So I (unwisely, I admit) said to hubby, “The real question is do you know Mike Hunt, because Mike Hunt used to work there too.” As he started to say, “Don’t even go there,” Chloe piped up, [spoiler]“Mommy, who is your cunt?”

I almost DIED - the surprise of her not even saying “Mike Hunt,” but going right to the double entendre, yet totally innocently (she doesn’t know that word), made me laugh till I literally cried, and was sucking air so I sounded like Muttley in the old Hanna Barbera cartoons.[/spoiler]

2

I want to know what was said after that (the “Mike Hunt” thing).

And who IS your cunt? :smiley:

3

I asked my five year old nephew if he will ever be married.

“No way, I wanna have friends.”

Several meanings can be inferred from that answer.:wink:

4

Why spoilers for kiddie jokes? That little show spoilers button doesn’t work for me and I have to click “reply” on each one to see it.

5

For at least one of the responses, I think it’s because mods frown on use of “the C word.”

6

First of all…

Holy shit. Really?

When my youngest niece was not quite two (another holy shit, that was 17 years ago), she knew I was going to be visiting with my then GF. We arrived late at night, so my niece was already asleep. The next morning, GF was still in bed when I saw my niece.

“Where’s your other tdn?”

7

I think the first thing a parent said was my husband saying, “Look, you’ve killed Mommy,” because I was laughing so hard. After I calmed down, I explained what the word meant and how extremely rude it is.

Sorry about the spoiler tags, **Anaamika **. I used them due to rude language, and also because both responses were funny due to their unexpected nature - I thought it would be funnier to read if there was that “reveal.”

And yeah, I have a seven year old - how did that happen so quickly?

8

My best friend just told me about a friend of hers whose toddler was standing up in the supermarket trolley, in the snack aisle, shouting at the top of its lungs ‘I WANT COCKPORN!!!’

9

When my daughter was 3 or 4 she asked me why some foods are boys and some are girls, so I asked her what she meant, and she said, “You know, like boys and berries and girl cheese.”

Boysenberries and grilled cheese, that is…

10

I’m still giggling at this.

Evidently lots of kids substitute “F” for “TR” for some reason. I was at a restaurant with a friend and her preschooler when the girl ran excitedly to the window shouting, “Look at the firefucks!” over and over.

But cockporn is even funnier. :smiley:

11

Maybe it is because I have no kids - or maybe I was especially dense today, but it took me forever to puzzle out what he was trying to say. (Or maybe I watch too much cock porn…)

12

I was in the mall walking down the hallway, a child of about 4-5 walking along side his mother was bumped into by a teenage mall patron. The teen says “woops im sorry” and smiles.
The toddler replies “You stoopit bitch!” Reeeealy loud.

About fifty people heard it.

It was one of the rare moments when I was laughing and felt bad at the same time.

Gotta watch what you say in front of the kids. They are little tape recorders.

13

The little Torqueling is 3, plus a few months. She makes me laugh all the time.

One recent one: I was singing “She’ll Be Coming Around The Mountain” to her. I got to the verse that goes, “And we’ll kill the old red rooster when she comes…” when she stopped me. “Why are you going to kill the rooster?”

“That’s the next part. ‘And we’ll all have chicken and dumplings when she comes…’”

“No, but he’s not chicken, like chicken you eat, he’s a chicken.”

“That’s right, he’s a chicken.”

“But not like chicken you eat.”

“Um…” How do you explain these things to a wee one?
An all-time great, though, comes from when she was about two. She has a play kitchen, and the oven buttons are just stickers, so when I push them, I just say, “Beep beep beep.”

One day, when she was playing with my wife, she pushed the oven buttons and said, “Beep beep beep, twenty dollars.”

Apparently she and Grammy had made a few trips to the ATM. hehe

14

A month or so ago I asked my 10-year-old stepdaughter L about how things were going at school. She went into a long, out-of-character rant (honestly, L is about as happy a kid as you’ll ever meet) about her teacher, band, working in the Safety Patrol, and other assorted issues. After she was finally done, I asked her, “Well, is there anything at all you like about this year?”

After a long pause, she answered, “I like the bus ride home.”

15

This gem is actually from my husband, who I put in charge of the 2yo for a few hours while I helped the aforementioned 7yo. He yelled down the hall to me, “Hey, what’s the protocol when a woman pees - do you wipe her?”

(Either I took on way too high a proportion of potty training our older one, or he has a poor memory!)

16

Posted this before, but I’ll probably re-tell this story until my dying breath so think of it as preparing for geezerhood:

My daughter had her First Communion last May and is now doing altar serving in the church. (And doing very well, thank you).

So the church decided to have tryouts for children’s choir and Sophie, who sang at our previous church in Knoxville, decided to go for it. The choir director loved her and insisted that she participate (her voice carries well, which, as her dad, I can tell you comes from YEARS of non-stop practice). Fortunately, the kids only sing 1 time a month @ the 9:30 mass so it’s not that big a commitment.

So a couple of nights after this, the thought occurred to me that there may be times where she has to do altar serving @ 8:00am and singing @ 9:30 - two(!) masses on Sunday, a prospect that would have just filled her dad with dread (at that age). Realizing this, I decided that I needed to talk to Sophie so she uinderstands what may happen, hopefully warding off any future unpleasantness.

So I sat down with Sophie on her bed and said we had to have a little talk, no you’re not in trouble, etc. And I start in on this, but I have to interrupt myself because she’s allowing herself to be distracted.

“Sophie. I want you to look me in the eyes - don’t look at your stuffed animals, don’t pay attention to your mother walking past the door, here, hand me that Gameboy and please pay attention!”

So I start speaking again, and wonder of wonder, the child is actually looking me in the eye and paying attention!

I’m, of course, thrilled. She’s actually paying attention! I’m really connecting with her this time I think. It was one of those moments parents want with their kids but rarely get - a heart to heart chat about something important where the kid isn’t acting as if they want to do something, anything than talk to boring old Dad about this boring old subject.

My heart is full of joy. I can’t wait to tell Mom. I’m proud of my daughter for her newfound maturity. I want to sing this to the rooftops: I’m actually being an effective Dad!

All of that and more went through my head as I went through my 2-minute spiel.

At the end, I asked Sophie if she had any questions and she nodded her head. And spoke:

"Dad! Did you know that when you look straight in my eye, your other eye goes this… " she points to my left “…way!?! I never noticed that before!”

:sigh:

17

… what did he think we do? Just let our socks get wet?

ETA - I hate it when I don’t quote for once and then there’s a sneak post. That was in reference to “what do you do when a woman pees?”

18

I’ve posted this somewhere here before:

The Boy was about 3 or 3 1/2 and we were in the mall. Daddy took him to the bathroom at one point while I waited outside. While they were in there (they shared a stall since the Boy was still pretty small), the Boy went pee, then my husband decided to go ahead and take care of business, too. He unzipped and… well… you know…takes it out.

The Boy looks up and says in all the loudness that a 3-year old can summon in a crowded men’s room, “DADDY YOU HAVE A BIG PENIS!” He then looks down at himself and says a little forlornly, “I have a little penis.”

My husband hears muffled laughter outside the stalls from the other men, emerges and there’s 3 red-faced guys trying soooo hard not to laugh too loudly. Waiting outside, I see these guys come out cracking up, my husband and the Boy right behind them. Husband tells me the story and says “I don’t know whether to laugh or pound my chest with pride!”

19

ha! along that line- when my son was wee he’d pronounce “bread sticks” sounding just like “butt sex” I almost died in Costco when he was pleading for “please! more buttsex!”

I am laughing just typing this… :smiley:

20

My 6-year-old son adores me. He absolutely adores me. (Hey, it’s fact, not bragging, and I know it will only last so long…)

A few weeks ago, he mentioned a few times that he was going to marry me when he grows up. One day, he mentioned this again as we were driving to school and I asked, “Well, what about daddy? You know Mommy and daddy are married.”

Without missing a beat, he replied, “Oh, he can still be our best friend.” :stuck_out_tongue: