A few days ago I was walking with my brother and 3 nieces.
One of them showed something interesting to the youngest (5).
She said in response…
“What do you want? A medal?”
In a perfect tone of sarcasm, from a five year old.
I found it both cute and funny. What kind of things have you heard small children say that were funny?
Oh I love these threads! I never have anything to contribute, but really enjoy reading them.
When my daughter was, I don’t know, maybe 3 - She was playing in my folk’s driveway in her little plastic car. The neighbors son walked in front of her and she said “hey, outta my lane asshole”
My mom and wife immediately blamed me.
Youngest Hoosier was twirling around in a pink dress saying “Look at me - I’m a princess!”, so I say:
“And that makes me…?” (you can see the answer I was hoping for was The Queen)
she replied:
“Happy!”
MilliCal floored me several years ago (she couldn’t have been more than five) with this:
“Daddy – My imaginary friend’s friends are telling her that I don’t exist!”
I’m not used to being around kids, but was recently out to lunch with friends and family. I met a friend’s girlfriend’s 4 year old daughter and was seated next to her at lunch. I am never around kids so I figured I’d just try a conversation, and after helping her order, asked her what her favorite foods are.
“Olives! (pause to think) And dog bones!”
(It turns out she gets some kind of cookie that are like dog bones. Didn’t stop me and my nearby sister from giggling like mad.)
She also likes calling me Roger. I am a girl and that is definitely not my name, though my name begins with R. I find this funny. I went to the bathroom and she was asking my mom, “Where’s Roger?”
Cal, that seems pretty advanced - better watch your back, she’s going to think circles around you!
Two came up during nursing recently:
In response to me telling her not to poke me: “I’m not poking you, I’m just walking on your nipple!” (Walking her fingers across my breast, but much funnier out of context.)
After I told her how grandma used to nurse me when I was a tiny baby: “Yeah, but then she got *old *and didn’t have milk.” I haven’t yet shared that with my mom - I’m waiting for her next comment about my weight.
Two that made me wince in two ways recently: “Mommy, look at that big fat lady!” and “Look at that old lady!” Of course I told her it’s impolite to comment on people’s appearance, but what made my heart ache was the total and complete innocence and delight with which she made the observations. She was just reveling in the various permutations that humans come in, with absolutely no value judgments attached. That won’t last long . . .
A couple of weeks ago my 7 year old daughter gave my 14 year old a big hug; the 14 year old pushed her away, saying, “Go away, I don’t feel that way about you,” to which the 7 year old replied, “Aw, I already bought the ring.”
My friend’s four year old, telling me a story that began thusly:
“Yesterday, last week, when I was a little baby…”
Last weekend we were at my nephew’s graduation reception. My niece, age 5, was sitting on my aunt’s lap. They don’t get to see each other often but my niece was having a great time playing with her. Suddenly my niece headed for the food table and my aunt wandered off somewhere as well. When my niece returned, she had a single, rose-shaped mint on a paper plate. She went up to my step-mom and asked her, “Where’s that lady whose lap I was sitting on?” She replied, “Oh, you mean Auntie? I don’t know where she went.” In response to this, my niece sighed, looked down at the mint on the plate, and thrust the plate toward my step-mom. “Here. I got this for you,” she said.
Same niece, the weekend prior: We were at my dad’s for a birthday barbecue. We were all sitting down to eat when a couple of us noticed that my dog (fixed, btw), was humping my dad’s dog (also fixed) … from the side. Anyway, a bit of giggling ensued and my niece turned around and pressed her nose up against the window. “Why,” she said, in a Southern accent, “I never expected that to happen!” I expressed surprise to my sister at my niece’s sudden accent. Apparently she had picked up the accent while watching “Sweet Home Alabama” on television the night before.
Must be a four year old thing. Ours will actually say, “Next year, when I was a little baby . . .” or talk about how she used to take care of me when I was a baby. She will also declare firmly that the time is “Six O’Clerty.”
That reminds me, she tell my husband that she only loves him on Wednesdays and Saturdays. This may be linked with the situation that also prompts her to send him off to work by saying, “Don’t forget to come home tonight!”
I was quizzing my four-year-old son one day:
Me: “What do we get when we freeze water?”
Him: “Ice!”
Me: “Okay, what do we get when we boil water?”
Him: “Coffee!”
My daughter used to tell me “Have a good day at work! Don’t bite the boss!”
I have no idea where she got that from.
Recently, we visited a relative’s fish farm where they are raising sturgeon and beluga for caviar. The lady showing us around said, “I’ll show you the belugas now” and my daughter squealed, “You have beluga whales!”
We all laughed, and I soothed her 15-year-old miffed feelings by telling her not a lot of teenagers know what a beluga whale is.
Little head bonk kid comes in the ER recently, facial laceration, no big deal, suitable for gluing. I’m doing my assesment and he says “you’ve got a really big head.”
I was at work, where a few of my co-workers have essentially raised their children in the workplace (given the amount of time the kids come in, etc.). My one co-worker’s daughter, who is about 5, and very polite, came back to our work area after playing quietly in a non-work area.
She said “Dad…my Little Mermaid Calendar is missing!” To which my boss said “Cool!”
Ignoring my boss, she went to her dad, who then came up with her to look for it. As she walked by my boss again, she yelled in this immensely offended tone… “And it’s NOT cool, Larry!”
We just lost it.
“So what is Christmas, kids? It’s a birthday party. It’s baby Jesus’s birthday! And what do we do on birthdays? We have cake! So each one of you gets a cupcake. Now, baby Jesus was born in a manger, because there was no room at the inn. And three wise men came from the East and gave baby Jesus birthday presents. They followed a bright star in the sky, so they could go to this birthday party. Are there any questions? Yes, Jon?”
“Can I have another cupcake?”
I spent last Thanksgiving morning hanging out in my pj’s, cleaning the fish tank. (oh, what a wild holiday that was!) My then 2yr old was watching closely, as she had been banned from “helping.” I spilled a little water on my pants, and was met with, “Mom! You spilled water on your pajamas, you dumbass!”
This is my favorite. I’m imagining the final sentence delivered completely flat and off-hand.
I had to wonder if my 8-year-old has been watching too much reality TV when he referred to the last day of school as ‘the season finale’. Heh.
I’ve told this before, but…
A co-worker had the most adorable, angelic daughter who was at the potty-training age. Comes bedtime, and he tells her, “Come on, Sally, time to use the potty.” “No.” “Yes, it’s bedtime, and you have to use the potty first.” “No. I don’t gotta use the potty.” “Yes, you should try, because you don’t want to wet the bed.” “I don’t wanna use the F**king potty!” delivered in the perfect tone of voice for the occasion.