Things children say.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Last week, as Sean was buzzing around my wife, I playfully asked her if she was sure she wanted to ‘stop at two’.
“Think of all the comedy you’re denying the world…because I just know there’s a comedian in me.”
She just pouted and said (sarcastically) “Nope. I’m just too old to have any more kids. I’m just an Ole Lady…”
I gave her a big hug and was starting to tell her “no, you’re just right”, but right then Sean ran up to her and piped in:

“Awww, Mommy, I know you’re Old. But I love you Anyway.” :eek: :smack:

(Anyone else saying that would be gasping for breath in the trunk of a Buick at the bottom of a Pennsylvania lake by now…)

22

A conversation with my 3-year old boy, after his first day of school (just last week):

Did you like the school?
I liked the school
Did you like the toys?
I liked the toys
Did you like the other kids?
I liked the other kids
Did you like the teacher?
The teacher is ugly.

(safely in the car and out of hearing from the teacher, thank God!)

23

My white bread son has thick, straight hair. When he needs to be sheared, it looks like a toupee. A bad toupee.
I told him it was time for spring shearing.

He looked at me aghast, pleading, " Noooooo! I want it to grow out to be an Afro."

He confessed I stopped laughing that he really didn’t know what an afro was other than a hair style, but he didn’t know what kind of hair style. One day the boy will be quite bald, but that joke will live on.

24

This one is about a guy I knew when we were in 7th grade.

I wish I could remember his name, because Lord knows I’ll never forget him.

One day after school he told me this story:

His mom and his two little sisters were sitting in the living room when he walked in and said,

“Mom, what’s a blow job?”

Mom did this: :eek:

Quickly she ushers the two little sisters out of the room and sits down to have a frank discussion with my friend about blow jobs.

My friend does this: :eek:

“I thought it was a hairdo!!!”

25

Just about a year ago, I had weight loss surgery; I’ve since dropped a little over 130lbs. This rapid weight loss has left me with quite a bit of loose skin. The other morning, 7-year-old mudgirl was in the bathroom with me when I was getting out of the shower. I was just teasing and messing with her, and she was teasing right back, saying “Don’t make me flick you!” So she was ‘flicking’ me, gently, on my leg, on my arm, etc. Then she flicked me pretty hard on my belly. “I can flick as hard as I want there,” she explained, “Cuz that’s just old skin you’re not using any more”. :smiley: That kid cracks me up.

26

Soon after my youngest niece was born (she just turned one), I went over to visit my sister, and my nephew (now 3 1/2) had picked up one of his little sister’s soft pink frilly dolls. He waved it in front of her face and said in a high squeaky voice “Hello Shannen.” Then he looked up at me all wide-eyed and astonished and exclaimed “It talked to her!”

I still have no idea if he was acting, or if he actually believed that the doll had spoken.

27

My daughter has been saying some doozies lately…mostly due to the fact that I have a potty mouth, although I am trying to reform. I am trying hard not to say the f-word in front of her, but I guess I have been using substitues that are still not quite appropriate coming out of the mouth of a 3-year-old. For example, my husband came across her doing a puzzle the other day, and asked her how it was going. She said, “These frickin’ puzzle pieces are driving me crazy!” He’s been teasing me about it ever since, because he said she sounded exactly like a mini version of me!

She’s also been quite fascinated with the way her younger brother is fed…when he was first born and she saw him nurse, she said “He is eating your boob!” After fighting back the laughter, I explained about how mommies make milk, and that she used to eat that way, etc. I also mentioned that it’s called breastfeeding. Now she understands what is going on, but she still calls it “drinking milk from a boob.”

28

When my niece was about two, she had a voice like a cartoon character, so when she said to me, out of the blue “I’m not the real Katie, you know” it sounded both comical and sinister.

This afternoon I was at a children’s birthday party and the birthday boy’s 3 year old brother was proudly drinking a cup of fizzy lemonade, something his parents would not normally encourage, but it was a birthday party. I asked him, “what’ve you got there?” and he said, “pry” (Sprite?) and as an afterthought he informed me that “it’s not for babies, you know”, delivered with an air of nonchalant worldly wisdom.

29

My five-year-old comes up with some stuff these days that just KILLS me!

Like the other day, when she was telling me how the new kittens were fed:

“They squeeze the milk out with their claws and lick it up!” “Well, where does the milk come from, honey?” “From her stomach!”

I managed to not laugh aloud, because I didn’t want to make her get self-conscious and stop talking. I continued asking her questions about it, then I said, “And where does the milk come from, again?” Her reply: “From her ribs! Remember how Aunt J used to feed Cousin from her ribs?” I don’t know HOW I kept from running the car off the road!

And then, a few days after that, I was parked in the lot of a restaurant–we were about to leave, but I wanted to record the payment in my checkbook. I was teasing her with something that I’d been saying pretty often–it always got a laugh, but sometimes she’d get tired of it. This time, when I said it, she heaved a sigh and said, “Mom, I’ll give you $28 if you’ll stop saying that!” This time, I totally lost it! :smiley: It’s good that I was still parked, 'cause I’d have wrecked for sure!

30

I get to see my daughter twice a year, if I can swing it. This most recent trip, her last words to me, after a week together hanging out in her home town were:

“Good bye, Daddy, don’t forget to wash yourself.”

31

My sister was feeding my six year old nieces supper one night and one of them was complaining she didn’t like meatloaf. The other one apparently decided it was a good opportunity to suck up and said “I love your meatloaf, Mom.” She then added, “You must give me your recipe.”

32

My mum heard how a friend’s child had misheard the priest at a funeral. The child had heard: “and to the father, the son and into the hole he goes”, heh - still I always thought it was “Harold by thy name”.

33

Back when my first nephew was my only nephew (I think he was 4 or 5.) My sister was having a cookout/party at her house so of course there was beer on tap. I filled my cup and before I could wander off my nephew stopped me and started pulling the cup down to his level. Not sure what he was doing I went along with him ready to take it away if he tried drinking it. He took one look inside and told me, “That’s OK.” and went on about his business. I didn’t realize they had beer inspectors there. I stiill laugh about it even though he is old enought to legally drink it now.

34

My super precocious neice is five years old now. These are from my LiveJournal.

10/29/2005
So, as my sister went to pick Haille up from day care, she took my mom along with her so they could go to the auto parts store afterwards. Sis went in to get Haille, and they were already at the car before Haille realised that my mom was sitting there. Haille looks at Sis and says “You’re letting my Grammy ride in your car?” Sis says “Sure, she rides in my car all the time.” To this, Haille replied in a totally matter-of-factly fatalistic little voice “We’re doomed.”

9/12/2006
I was playing with Haille last week, and had started to tickle her. I got to her belly, and was going to blow her a raspberry when I pretended to be shocked by what I found.

“Haille! There is a big hole right in the middle of your tummy!”

“I know, that’s my belly button,” she replied scathingly.

“But where did it come from? Surely it can’t be good to have a hole in your belly.”

She considered this for a moment. “Maybe someone digged it. Yeah, somebody digged it there.”

“Oh, I see. Well, it’s not a very deep hole. Why didn’t they just keep digging until they got to the other side?” I asked her.

“There was a trap! They digged and digged until they got to the trap and then - POP!” She clapped her hands together like a bear trap.

“Well,” I said, “if they got trapped, where are they now?”

Haille, as honest as a child can be, got wide eyed. She slowly leaned over to look at her belly button, inspected it carefully, and then looked back at me. Her voice lowered to a whisper, she said “They’re still in there…”

35

I was playing guitar in class today (I teach fifth graders). They love The Beatles, and I have a chord book with all their songs. They begged for “Yellow Submarine,” which is one of my least favorites, but, hey…the kids need to be kept happy.

I’d never sung this with them. We get to the chorus, and all the boys sang:

“We all live in a yellow submarine
We hate this stupid thing
We wanna paint it green.”

I’d never heard that before, and I almost couldn’t finish the song from laughing so hard.

36

I was babysitting my cousin’s kid, years ago. Not being used to buckling kids into car seats into the back seat of my own car, I struggled with this onerous task for several minutes, sweating, while the kid sat waiting for me to finish. At length, she said, “Maybe you should sit in the car seat and I should sit in the driver’s seat.”

It was freaking brilliant.

37

Not funny, but when I was working at Sears during the Christmas season, a mom and her daughter were buying a few things before going to see Santa. This perfectly adorable little girl, about three or four, looked up at me with wide eyes and said excitedly, “We’re going to see the Ho Ho!”

It made me smile, anyway.

38

I was in my back yard listening idly to three or four kids playing in the adjacent yard. A strident five-year-old female voice suddenly carried to me this statement:

“I’m the queen of the world and you have to do what I want. And you’d better respect me, too!”

Watch out for that one, I thought.

39

I have a young girl cousin that is so smart. But I used to be smart, too, back in the day.

She’s in her twenties now, but as a kid one day we went to visit her dad at a constuction site.

He and the Mom were fighting abit and (in my twenties) was trying to be all Cool Older Cousin.

So on a plank, there was this bug. And we’d started looking at it. And I attempted to startle it.
It froze. And I pointed out–“See? It thinks if it doesn’t move we won’t see it!”

And she looked at me sadly. “Yes. That’s called camouflage.”

I’ve told this story before, but I love it.

40

From the four year-old:

“Daddy, let me go or I’ll slice you through the gizzards!”

He’d been saying “Damn it!” and my wife and I had been trying to break him of the habit. One day, he spilled his milk at the table and started to say “Oh, …” He trailed off, looking up to meet my eye. After a brief pause, he finished the sentence: “…crack it!” Nice catch, little guy.

From the six year-old:

One day at breakfast, I asked him “Can I get you anything else?” Never one to miss a straightline, he said “Yeah, you can get me out of here!” (his chair is in the corner of the room, thus he’s pinned in while we’re eating).