A few words for a retirement speech

In My Humble Opinion
1

One of these days, in a while, I’m going to retire. I will have worked here for 35 years, so I am expecting a gathering of some kind, probably with cake, during work hours, on my last day. I am also expecting to be asked to say a few words. This is the kind of thing that I think (obsess) about way in advance.

I have thought of and rejected lots of things to say. I want to be brief but not insipid. The following is what I have arrived at so far, and I seem to be stuck and uninspired to find anything better, so please tear this apart and help me build something better.

"Thank you all for being here, it’s very kind (blah blah blah, heartfelt but I can probably wing this part). I want to leave you with parting thoughts of such surpassing wisdom that they will become legendary. Unfortunately, I can’t think of any.

I am, however, reminded of the endings of two movies. One you’ve never seen, one everyone knows by heart. The first is called “The Browning Version,” and if you do ever see it, think of me at the end.

The second is the ending of “The Wizard of Oz.” Dorothy spends her whole time in Oz trying to get home, but when she is finally about to go, she realizes that she hates to leave the friends that she has made there. Me too.

So, with a bow to Terry Southern, it is with truly mixed feelings that I say good-bye, and wish you all the best (blah blah, heartfelt again but best extempore, I think)."

So there it is. Here’s a cleaver, and there’s a scalpel over there, please commence the plastic surgery.
Roddy

2

George Santayana’s final words to his class. (2nd and 3rd paragraphs.)

3

Love it, thanks.

4

When I left work I snuck everybody a little hand written note that said “please don’t tell anyone else but you are my favourite”

I knew full well they would all tell so one person got “please don’t tell anyone else but I lied to everyone else, you are my favourite”

they still talk about it with laughter, however, the person who got “please don’t tell <the person who got the second note> but you are really my favourite” has never told anyone (which is precisely why she was and remains my favourite).

I have no idea what I said in my speech but we ate good cake.

5

Bilbo’s speech at his last birthday party in the Shire is worth a review.

6

Well, if I had a magic ring to slip on at the end…

Actually, the part about “I don’t like half of you half as well as you deserve” hits a little too close to home for comfort.
Roddy

7

I retired nearly 2 years ago, and dummy me never considered that I’d have to say something. I’m not afraid to speak before a group, but I’m not good off-the-cuff, so I just blathered on for a few minutes, then told everyone to eat cake. Good for you for being prepared!

8

Aww, I think that’s sweet. I’d like to think that my retirement speech will consist of “Fuck all y’all” and nothing else, but I know that’s not true. When I left a company that I hated after four years, I was indeed happy to go, but heck if I don’t miss the swell people I came to know there. I think your farewell sums that up nicely.

9

Coming from you, Ma’am, high praise indeed.
Roddy

10

“A few weeks after the new accountant starts, he’s gonna say some shit about me. He lies. Gotta run.”

11

May I humbly present my favorite exit which I hope to use one day.

12

Several years ago (the economy was bad then too) I worked temp at a place that was nice enough but not my field. Because of said bad economy I was there a couple of years, as were several other people in the same boat.

The day I left I bought bagels for my department. Then the last thing I did before I walked out the door was send an email. I had made a picture with pigs with wings with the saying, “I thought I’d be here until pigs fly” and thanking them all for making my time there enjoyable.

Four years ago I was what turned out to be “involuntarily retired” as the company I worked for closed our division. We all left on staggered dates as they prepared to close the building. No big send off. No speeches.

13

In a be carefully what you wish for mode. I want to go home on Friday and never go back.

I’ll even buy the cake for Mondays party.

14

*I thank you all -

But it’s been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise -
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I ain’t gonna lose - *

It would prolly help if you could sing…