A friend is depressed and possible suicidal -- how to help?

Several months ago I made the acquaintance of a young woman in one of my classes. We shared a desire to not fail a traditionally difficult class, so began studying together. We Facebooked each other to facilitate scheduling study times and class group discussions. She’s very quiet and while quite open about her past, there was obviously something dark back there and I made a point of not asking any personal questions lest I open some old wounds, or worse.

One thing she shared was that she was new in town, and moved here to finish school. She knew few people and was having trouble finding work. A downer, to be sure, but not the end of the world (as I saw it). She’s living with family, has reliable transportation, and is still in contact with her friends back home. However, since school started she’s been slowly becoming a bit more withdrawn, although it’s hard to tell: she’s very quiet and shy to begin with, so the effect is subtle. My wife and I took her to a local musical performance, which she seemed to enjoy; during it she mentioned she doesn’t get out much. I didn’t pay the comment too much attention.

Today she posted a link on Facebook to her blog. In it she discusses being suicidal, wishing she were dead or having never been alive. She discusses having no friends and nobody to talk to. She says she’s cried out, a small cry in an empty forest, all to no avail. Her misery is increasing.

Shocked, I went to her FB page and started poking around, something I don’t normally do. I finally learned what had caused this. I don’t think the details are important here. (Think gang rape, although that’s not it. However, equally devastating). She’s very open about all of this: what happened in highschool to cause this downward spiral, and now the effects as she’s nearing rock bottom.

I’ve never dealt with someone who is suffering like this. I suffered abuse as teenager an remember sitting in my bedroom wishing the world around me would simply vanish. I never had anyone approach me with a hand of friendship, and frankly I was so bitter and filled with hate at that point in life that I would have deeply distrusted anyone who would have tried to do so. So now, seeing someone else go through it… I have no idea how to help.

She’s admitted crying for help and receiving none. The simple act of putting a link to her blog on FB seem like a cry for help in itself. I fear she might do something to herself, or simply fade away into the background. She finishes school next term and will have to wait until next fall before transferring to a university to finish her undergrad. Six months of isolation and loneliness.

I want to help. I feel like I NEED to help. However, I don’t want to come across as someone who a) is trying to be a “nice guy” just to get in her pants, b) sympathetic out of obligation, or c) insincere… We’re only a couple of steps past 'acquaintance", but I’m guessing I’m all she has in this town. Obviously, I want to be able to actually offer something useful, whatever that may be. Not a “there, there. It’ll be ok.”

I don’t know what to do, but I’m getting worried about her and it’s pretty clear that she needs some sort of intervention.

Advice requested. Thanks.

I don’t know. I wish I could give you advice, but I really don’t know.

I think active listening is the most important thing to do (try to devote 100% of your mental abilities to following her conversation, and ask follow up questions when she says something). And let her know you know she is dealing with something that shattered her mind (I know for me being surrounded by people who just wanted to be normal and happy or for me to be normal and happy when I was anything but was extremely isolating. Being around someone who understood how shattered and damaged I was and who was ok with it would’ve been comforting). The fact that she is so open with her trauma (whatever it is) is in itself a cry for acceptance and understanding.

I’m trying to think of what could’ve reached me when I really needed it. When people said ‘is something wrong’, that never worked on me. I didn’t know how to respond since I was so overwhelmed and confused.

Even just letting her know you care can make a difference. You need to find out if she is getting help. It is easy to say “get some help”, but in some areas/cases this is hard to come by. Even with insurance it can sometimes take months to see a professional. Some people don’t know where to go. If she wants help - helping her (if she wants it) find out where to go can be a help.

I have run into two main issues with this:

  1. Believe it or not some people don’t realize they are depressed. Even in cases where it is obvious - some feel there is something so wrong with them - that it isn’t depression or something a mental health professional can help with.

  2. Some people fear they will be forced on medication. This isn’t going to happen (unless she basically threatens suicide in front of a provider and gives them little choice). Just wanting to die isn’t enough - you really have to have a plan. She doesn’t have to go with drug based treatment, and therapy can help for some. If she is the type of person posting this to her Facebook account - I think that is a positive sign therapy could help her.

Invite her out again with your wife. Don’t judge her/feel sorry for her/look down on her (it doesn’t sound like you are - just try not to give off that vibe when talking to her).

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but if she is actually dealing something as traumatic as a gang rape (and frankly I am having a tough time imagining anything of that magnitude that doesn’t involving the murder of an immediate family member, or maybe someone being falsely convicted and imprisoned for a serious felony) she needs more help that you or any other layperson can offer.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to reach out, but a life-changing, violent trauma isn’t something that a casual, untrained acquaintance can walk someone thru, so maybe you can research some professional resources for her to take advantage of.

Best of luck to her, and to you for caring about her.

She isn’t seeing a mental health professional. She mention in a blog post that the hospital promised her therapy that for whatever reason she never got. She’s a full-time student paying for school with loans; I’m all but positive she has no health insurance.

I use ‘gang rape’ because frankly that is something that is both physically and emotionally damaging, causing lifelong scarring. Perhaps that’s a wrong comparison, but frankly I can think of no better. She routinely googles to find information on others who have gone through what she did; I would prefer her not to stumble upon this thread.

Will the school do nothing? Has it no resources to offer at all?

For your part, be e an advocate, to the point of getting her to some help if there is any way in hell to get some. Keep the lines open and be a listener, even a quiet and non-judging one if that’s what she needs.

First off, don’t be too hard on yourself. You are a casual acquaintance, and you can be helpful, but you are probably not going to be her savior. There is only so much you can do from your position, so don’t ever feel like you haven’t done enough.

A good first step would be to call your local suicide hotline. They are trained on how friends can provide support, and can help you understand what services are available in your area. If she has a student health insurance plan, there is almost certainly some mental health coverage. If not, most areas have a patchwork of city and county services.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline
1-800-273-TALK (8255)

They also offer live chat at their website:

Thanks for that link. Will contact.

You’re married and she’s met your wife. Why would she think you’re just trying to get into her pants? Since she’s made her state of mind public it would be reasonable for you to show concern.

She’s living with family—do they know what’s going on? Can they help?

Having no insurance won’t keep her from getting help and having suicidal thoughts will bring it about quickly. Almost all communities offer mental health care on a sliding scale. (You could start by calling the Dept. of Health or Dept. of Children & Families.) A person with no insurance and no previous dealings with such a facility can still be put into a clinic or hospital for acute care, if need be. They don’t charge the indigent patient later.

If you talk to her you can give her info on where she can go for help. Depending on how committed you are to this, you could also contact her family if you think she might avoid/deny the care she needs.

Hopefully she can be treated on an out-patiend basis and finish the term. It’s good she has someone who’s listening to her cry for help, Lancia.