This is pretty simple. Would you tell your wife that you jerked off to her used panties? If not, you shouldn’t mention your friend doing it. If so, don’t tell her anyway.
Are you implying that the OP is actually a confession?
Here we go:
My wife is a very mature, intelligent adult. She is an administrator for a state agency at a very young age and very accomplished in her field, so her emotional and intellectual maturity is, shall we say, above and beyond par. It isn’t going to hurt her fragile little feelings if I tell her, but it is going to COMPLETELY creep her out and make her feel violated, so why the hell would I want to do that if it can be avoided?
As for him. Am I pissed? I guess not as much as I should be. I am not receiving any gratification because he was wanking with her underwear, but I do feel like he violated personal boundaries and trust by going into our room and taking things that are obviously HER personal belongings. If I bring it up to him, he is going to deny it, in my opinion, that is a given.
I honestly am a little shocked that the overwhelming amount of people on posting believe I should just cut him out of my life completely and throw a friendship that has been in place since we were 8 or 9 years old when we are now 29. Like I said, him and I are not really close friends anymore due to distance and circumstances. As also mentioned before, he is pegged as creepy and freaks most of the women folk out, thus he is rarely invited to anything like float trips, camping trips, or friend like vacations in general. He gets invited to barbecues and gets to stay the night when he comes and visits his parents, but that is about it.
I am scheduled to be a groomsman at his wedding in July. I am not, thank god, the best man. The guy has enough emotional problems as it stands, since this thread has taken on a life of his own I feel I should give some details about him. He is a) an alcoholic and b) more or less a loner. He is the type of guy in our late teens and early twenties we figured would shoot up a school. So, with his mental status being less than sound, I don’t want to send him over the edge.
Am I going to say something? I still don’t know. I don’t see him enough for it to be a huge deal if we just weren’t really friends anymore and I attended the wedding and more or less cut it off after that. Am I going to say something to my wife? I still don’t see the a good damn reason to make her feel violated. Does she have a right to know? Probably, and maybe I am making a poor decision to not tell her, but in my opinion this is one of those situations where I think it is easier to ask forgiveness than…permission, so to speak.
If I tell her, she is definitely going to tell her friends, who will tell their friends, which will get back to all of his friends and then his creepiness is going to be completely confirmed and what little bit of a good reputation he has left will be gone. Why would I destroy someones life for wanking to some underwear?
He is a good guy, in his way. He is caring, in his way. He is just…fuck, creepy, I guess.
I do respect all of the advice and your opinions and look forward to hearing more of them as I have not made a concrete decision yet. I appreciate the constructive advice most of you have offered and appreciate you guys taking the time to even respond. To whoever above said “go with your gut” I really appreciate that.
Thanks. I’ll report back here in awhile.
If the question is, since we have been together since we were both 12 years old, have I jerked off with her undies, the answer is yes.
Do you think maybe you’d be a little less okay with it if bro had been yanking it into your boxer briefs?
I guess it is kinda like Ben Still said in Meet The Parents. I am still attracted to my wife and fantasize about her often, thus she occupies a healthy portion of my masturbatory fantasies. 
The OP is glad that what happened, happened.
Anyone else here thinking about the ending of Fight Club?
When you caught him you said he had a ‘cat that ate the canary’ look on his face. He knew what he was doing was wrong, that he was doing something that would piss you off (or probably should piss you off, anyway), that he was violating your hospitality and your privacy. He knew he was doing something that would make your wife feel violated. He did it anyway, because he thought he wouldn’t get caught.
He doesn’t respect you or your wife’s boundaries or privacy, he doesn’t respect you or your wife’s feelings. A friend would respect those things and wouldn’t do what he did, whether he thought he could get away with it or not.
lol @ those comments.
To A Clockwork Melon: I am not glad it happened, so get over how clever you think you are. If I was glad it happened I would have brought it up to him @ the time rather than being shocked and embarrassed. There are plenty of forums online where I could have shared this story if I was getting some kind of thrill out of it; I choose to come here because I know it is a good place to solicit solid advice.
Agreed. It’s just a lot easier to tell someone to end a friendship rather than actually doing it.
Yeah, you just keep tellin’ yourself that…
No nothing like that. He just seems less than upset. It would make more sense to me if he was a swinger and had secret fantasies about it.
One thing I have learn though, Crime Scene, is that most people here seem to be of the one-strike-and-you’re-out mindset. I’m thinking of some of my friends that I’ve known since I was a kid, and even if they were creepy or weird or crossed a boundary like this, its not something you can just throw away. But yes, I would certainly talk to him about it, denial or no denial.
It’s O.K. he thinks your wife is hot. It’s not O.K. he violated boundaries in such a huge way; he is not your friend. Make decisions accordingly.
So, how would she feel if she knew you were keeping something from her that would make her feel violated? Would that double the violation she feels? If you maintain a friendship with this guy and allow him back into your house and she ever finds out, is that going to treble the violation she feels?
Do you feel she would be right or wrong to feel violated by this?
I don’t think it’s fear, or secret fetish that’s keeping the OP’s lips shut but rather a politeness that’s pretty rare to find nowadays. I happen to agree with Crime Scene and not rile up people’s feathers unnecessarily thought it’s apparent that most on this board have principles for principles’ sake because if you break one rule, it’s a slippery slope to unimaginable ends.
(Fully expect to get skewered for this).
Why tell her? Because she is involved. She should have the right to decide if she wants to interact with your friend any more. You are removing her ability to do that, and treating her as a child, unable to handle the truth. If she gets upset, she has every right to feel that way. As you said, she is an adult. Treat her like one.
Ok, You totally have the right to make a decision about how you want your relationship to go forward. Please give that same right to your wife.
I can kind of see a justification for, say, not telling my partner that someone at work was hitting on me. I handled the situation, and it wouldn’t really involve him. I would put not telling my SO about something like this in a catagory with not telling him about a potential hazard in the house. If he doesn’t know about it, he can’t actively avoid it.
I’ve really never been a one-strike-your-out person. If it is something particularly awful, then yes, you’re out.
How does benefit either party if I address it? I’d rather just not deal with him until I have to and then when he asks explain that I do not appreciate him enjoying himself with my wife’s unmentionables. I guess I just feel like if someone does something on impulse that doesn’t harm anyone, then they deserve a second chance or the benefit of the doubt that this isn’t a normal pattern of behavior for him.
I am in an unenviable position of defending him because I really do not want to, but shit, this is just such a weird situation. Is the general consensus here that someone who wanks with your wife’s underwear is absolutely not your friend? I mean, guys have really piss poor impulse control when it comes to their sexual…umm, needs? So I guess that is what makes it easier to forgive him, which I have not done yet.
I get it. I honestly do feel she has a right to know, but WHY THE FUCK would I want to disgust her and make her feel violated if I do not have to? It just doesn’t make sense to me that if you can stop someone from getting their feelings hurt, creeped out, or whatever, then you should do just that.