No one was violated. Well, except the hamper, and for all we know, the hamper was asking for it. There are two problems here, one is a lame friend, the other is equating this act to a violation, which, at the very least, would require her warm body to be in the house.
That’s what bothers me. Most men do not have this sort of poor impulse control and do respect people’s boundaries. This guy doesn’t. That’s a warning sign for me, and I suspect it’s what your female friends are picking up on when they call him creepy.
Thank you for this. I feel like I’m being skewered for being honest and transparent with my feelings towards the whole thing. I realize its the internet and this is a forum, so tongue-in-cheek humor is the norm, but this is honestly something I have been ruminating on since it happened on Saturday and came here for some honest opinions. I respect the collective thoughts of the dope, thus this is where I turned.
I don’t particularly like defending myself against accusations of this being some kind of fucking fetish of mine. If it was, I’m sure I could find some craigslist perverts to send me all kinds of pictures of them jerking off with my wife’s underwear.
Why the fuck would you do it? Because she has a right to know, as you said yourself. She’s an adult woman. You are treating her like… something less than that.
Do you feel that she has been violated? If so, what other violations do you feel it would be acceptable to keep from her?
Warning signs of what? That he is a creep? That has been established and is well known among our whole circle of friends. He just hasn’t been diagnosed as that dangerous kind of creep that is going to flash his cock to our significant others or force himself on them.
He is the kind of creep who gets drunk and brags about his over-the-top sexual escapades; his humor does not impress women and it in general makes them aggravated or uncomfortable. We have all known him as being like this for so long most of us just say, “Well, it’s Nick, so you take the good with the bad.”
My anger that I felt towards him has waned since I posted this because I’ve thought about it so much while reading all the responses at for some goddamn reason I almost feel sorry for him. So goddamn annoying, I honestly hate being empathetic. Life would be so much easier as a sociopath.
Well, um, let’s say he was taking pictures of her without knowing, she would have every right to know and I would beat the shit of him and tell her immediately. Maybe I didn’t make it clear that I am not going to allow him to stay here anymore or be in my house alone, so doesn’t that take care of the situation? Rght now, it is almost past the point of being able to tell her without her getting pissed off I didn’t let her know in the first place. I’ve heard my wife say a million times that ignorance is bliss when it comes to a lot of things. As of now, I’m thinking this might be one of those things. I’m not treating her as a child; I’m treating her as someone who I LOVE DEARLY and do not want to experience negative emotions. Do people not understand that?
You would tell her not just to disgust her and creep her out, but to give her the information she needs to decide if she wants this guy in her home in the future.
I’m not one who thinks this is the worst thing any guy has ever done, but it is a bit pervy. Her underwear, her decision on how to handle it going forward.
Negative emotions are a part of life, and trusting people to handle them is part of loving them and treating them well.
Denying someone something you feel they have a right to is not about treating them well.
Troppus, your outlook on things has brought some much needed lightness to this thread.
If I handle this with him and address the issue and tell him I’m not comfortable with him being around, how does that not solve the issue? What good does it do to tell my wife? I am not trying to be purposefully obtuse, but I just don’t see the benefit.
Well, why not get him his own pair for Xmas.
bolding mine
Aaaaand the truth comes out. Doesn’t it feel better now that you’ve admitted the real reason that you don’t want to say anything is because it would be inconvenient for you? I don’t know what’s up with all this “poor tortured me, how I do sacrifice for my lovely, fragile wife” bullshit, but I for one wouldn’t give you nearly as much grief if you’d cut all that nonsense out.
I have been with my wife since we were both 12 and 13 years old. I know her well enough to know what her reaction would be. She would be angry, calm down about it, and then say something along the lines of, “I don’t care if he comes by hangs out every once in awhile when he’s visiting, but I don’t want him here along, at all, anymore.”
Is it selfish of me to not want to hurt her feelings? I understand that she is grown, but the more I talk about it the more I am realizing that this is truly, truly violating and am starting to get really fucking pissed at him, despite my post up the board a little ways.
I realize I should tell her, but I DO NOT WANT TO HURT HER. She is such a good person; I realize that I am not her shepherd and that she can fend for herself, but what good does it do for her to know if I straight-up handle it and tell him to not come around? For real, I’d rather lose him as a friend than have my wife feel violated.
:smack:
I’ll just repeat what I said before:
So, how would she feel if she knew you were keeping something from her that would make her feel violated? Would that double the violation she feels?
Whatever makes you feel justified, brother/sister/whatever. She’d forgive me as quick as she got angry, so that really isn’t the issue. She’d completely understand why I didn’t tell her. We have a good relationship so something like this would register on the “What has our relationship come to?” scale about as much as farting in the same room as one another.
Good point. Hadn’t thought of that until now…
So, why did you bring up that she’d be pissed off?
The mixed messages are flying.
No. No no no and a thousand more. Guys, despite popular press to the contrary, are perfectly capable of keeping their junk in their pants. Happens all the time.
Maybe if he was fifteen, I’d let it slide. But a grown man who needs to masturbate so bad that he can barely wait for you to leave so he can ransack the house for wank material? That’s not “poor impulse control”. That’s unhealthy.
No, your wife wasn’t raped. Obviously. Go ahead and take it as a harmless “guys will be guys” moment if you want. But this is a guy with both boundary issues and an inability to restrain his sexual urges. I would want to know, and then I would never want him around me again. At the very least, fuck, I’d want to know so I could throw out the undies.
I don’t think any of us can tell you whether you should tell your wife–you know her we don’t. I don’t think any of us can tell you how to end the friendship and whether to talk to him or not–you know him, we don’t. In a somewhat analogous situation, I simply tapered off the friendship quickly, knowing that no good would come from a discussion.
I should. I’ll wear them around for a couple of days without showering and send them to him.