So there’s this couple that my wife and I have known for a few years. My wife and the other girl used to work together. We both have kids so we have been to eachothers places for birthdays and cookouts. My wife and her were close since the gal helped my wife get through some difficult times so my wife is forever grateful.
The gal quit her job to stay at home with the kids about a year ago so we don’t see them that much. We also knew they were having marital difficulties back then.
Out of the blue the other night my wife gets a text from her saying how she is out on a date with some other guy she met a while back and if her husband should call (he didn’t) that we should go along with the story that it was my wife and her out late since that’s what she told her husband.
My wife in noooo waaaay wants any part of this and I agreed. My wife never texted her back and we just never heard anything more from her. That was about 2 weeks ago.
Now today my wife gets a voicemail from the gal basically saying “uh, hubby’s getting suspicious, if he contacts you say that I crashed at your place that night. Make sure Mr. Hampshire knows the story too.”
Nevertheless my wife is pretty pissed at this point. Not angry that she’s out cheating on her husband (she’s free to handle her marriage difficulties however she likes) but pissed that she’s trying to drag us into the mess.
I’m not that riled up about it since I already know what I’d tell the guy if he called and asked “Was my wife at your house that other night?”, “Mmm, I don’t want to answer that but it sounds like you and she are having some problems that you both need to work out between the two of you.”
My wife feels like she would answer the same way but also knows she needs to contact this gal and tell her flat out “Don’t drag us into this!” but is conflicted about how harsh she wants to come across. The gal was there for my wife and my wife feels like she needs to be there for her.
Any nice way to slap some sense into this girl?
OK now this is where the blackmail part comes in. 
Or rather the “one hand washes the other part” comes in. Your wife is in a good position to get a laptop or have one of her credit card bills paid off, in return for cooperation
I don’t lie to my friends and if they’re really friends they won’t ask me to lie for them. It’s my personal rule, and it’s worked well for me in the past.
Enjoy,
Steven
“I consider you a friend, but I don’t lie for anyone, not even my friends. So please don’t expect me to cover for you.”
That’s if she wants to maintain the friendship, which it sounds like she does.
Why don’t you just tell her that you won’t cover for her? If she needs someone to lie for her, make it be someone else. If you stay silent you’ll get stuck in the middle of it.
Call the husband. Cheaters suck.
There is a difference between lying and butting in.
Tell her that if she had asked before this happened, she would have found out that you were not going to lie for her. Since she didn’t, she is either going to have to come clean or hope her husband doesn’t call.
Your wife needs to tell this woman that she’s not going to lie for her, now or at any other time. If she wants someone to cover for her, she’s going to have to find another sucker. Neither you nor your wife owe this to her.
If her husband asks, well, then, tell the truth and shame the devil. This woman shouldn’t be using you two as an alibi without your permission.
I have to admit that I’ve offered to be an alibi for someone, but it’s usually in jest, to show my approval for their proposed actions. For instance, if someone wants to kill a telemarketer or a spammer, sure, I’ll give them an alibi. That’s a public service.
I wouldn’t worry about being rude to her since her behavior doesn’t deserve a polite response. She’s cheating on her husband and she’s trying to drag you into it. Tell her you won’t do it and that’s that.
How about “I don’t care whether you want to see this guy or not, but I can’t cover for you.” (note “can’t,” not “won’t.”)
Look, no matter what your wife says, the woman will be pissed off. She knows what she’s doing is wrong (both the affair and asking you to lie) so she’ll lash out. So just be straightforward.
You don’t have to make any statements about whether you’ll lie for people or not. That just sounds self-righteous.
As far as your wife wanting to be there for her–the woman is taking advantage of your wife’s good nature. If she needed your wife to be there while she was dealing with a divorce, that would be one thing. But this is quite another.
But you needn’t tell all of the truth, either. In other words, neither you nor your wife should mention the affair or any marital difficulties. If you do, you’ll be dragging yourselves into it. You can simply say that she’s not there, and if he asks, you can say that you don’t know where she is. Because, really, you don’t.
I’d tell her directly that I’m not going to lie for her. I wouldn’t be anything close to polite about it either, that’s a shitty thing for her to ask of you and your wife. If her husband asked directly if I knew anything, I suppose it would depend on how much I valued his friendship vs. her’s as to what I told him but I think I’d be inclined to tell him. A one night stand is one thing but ongoing lies and deception like that is just shady as hell. I don’t need people like that as friends.
Depending on what the husband asks, that would be covering for the cheating wife.
I think the issue here is that your wife is operating under a misguided sense of obligation.
This woman helped your wife out when she needed her = Good.
This woman wanting your wife to cover for her while she cheats on her husband = Bad
This woman needs a ride to the airport and your wife takes her = Good
This woman needs someone to watch her daughter while she takes her son to soccer practice and your wife agrees = Good
Having someone help you out does not give them a free pass for you to cover for their bad behavior. Your wife would be complicit in helping this woman destroy her family. Whatever good things she may have done for your wife in the past, it does not mean your wife has to repay her by covering for her when she does bad.
Did this woman help your wife through some hard times by covering for her with lies at your wife’s request? That’s the only circumstance that I can imagine where she would owe that back to the woman.
Otherwise, she does owe the woman her honesty, in saying to her face that she will not lie for her. Ongoing silence will be taken as consent, and someday hubby will actually call.
Husband: I’m sorry to bother you, but last night… was my wife over at your house?
You: Yes. Yes she was.
Husband: Oh, thank God. I had the craziest idea that…
You: We had the wildest three way with her, too. That woman’s a tiger, I tell you. A tiger!
Thread winner.
Put me in the camp that says the polite way to decline is to say: I would not lie to you, therefore I will not life *for *you.
Nothing in the OP suggests he or his wife are anything less than straight arrows – but what if there is some lying to / for this friend, or this friend did some lying herself for the OP’s wife’s benefit? Would it be harder to turn her down in this case if you knew you hadn’t always adhered to the principle of strict honesty in the past?
It sounds to me like this is a case in which “being there for her” involves not letting her drag your wife into the mess.