Now we know why Santa was so jolly
(someone had to take the obvious one)
Why is the rum always gone?
Santa brought Christmas cheers.
Old St. Nick was an alcoholic
Who was very rarely stable.
Kringle O Kringle was a boozy single
Who could drink you under the table.
Santa Claus could chug without pause
Sobriety is a fable
Father Christmas was a loaded mess
Who drove his sleigh into a gable
The jolly fat elf couldn’t help himself…
(I could do this all day.)
“This is better than cookies and milk, but next Christmas, could you leave some ice as well?”
If you want that new XBox, you’re not going to breathe a word of this to Mrs. Claus!
Okay, it’s been about 24 hours so I’m giving it to:
Take it away!
Thanks, Lumpy. What do you want under your tree?
Republicans are winning the War on Christmas one gun at a time.
I saw Mommy winging Santa Claus…
Handguns waiting on an “open fire;”
Snipers plinking near your nose;
Though it’s been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas to you.
Why is there no “i” in Christmas? Because Ralphie put an i out.
Unfortunately, the fourth gift of the Magi was confiscated at the border.
Be ready, because that ain’t Santa coming down the chimney!
ou might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Or Jack Frost on your windowsill
But if someone’s climbin’ down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill
–Weird Al Yankovic
This gives an entirely new meaning to “taking down” the Christmas tree.
“Children, this is why there are no heirloom glass ornaments in the family.”
All the entries are superb, so I’ll give Elmer the prize for stuffing the ballot box.
Thanks!
War on Christmas: Christmas is fighting back.
Santa Smash!