A Joke for You

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a
bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word as an expletive. Those
that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set
a good example… Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled
back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David grabbed the parrot and threw it
in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then
suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was
frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer
door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will
immediately correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your
forgiveness.”

David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask
what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “by the
way… May I ask what the chicken did?”

2

I’m moving this joke to the MPSIMS.

By the way, is that “la blonde” as in the French language, or “lab blonde” as in you dye your hair? :slight_smile:

3

La Blonde as in fair of skin, fair of hair, monsieur.

Just a suggestion: When a mod moves a thread there should be a note(link) left in the old category, if only to edumacate those of us who post poorly.

Just a request: I was hoping that others would throw in their current best non-x-rated joke. C’mon, show me what you’ve got!

4

What fun is there for a priest?

Nun.

5

A priest and a rabbi are on a plane. The priest decides, for pc reasons, to initiate conversation. After a while, he says, “May I ask you a question?” Of course, replies the rabbi. “I’ve heard that in your religion, you are not allowed to eat pork.”
“This is true,” replies the rabbi.
Well . . . have you ever tried pork?
“I will confess. Once, I tried pork.”
Oh. . . Then silence.
The rabbi then says, “Now, I must ask you. I have heard that in your religion, the priests are not allowed to have sex.”
The priest allows as this is true.
Well . . . Have you ever had sex? Asks the rabbi.
The priest says, “Well, now I will confess, that once I did succumb to temptation.”

The rabbi smiles, leans in, and says, “It’s a lot better than pork, isn’t it?”

6

the non-x rated version:

A newlywed couple and an many-years-married couple wanted to join a certain church. The pastor said that one of the conditions was each couple had to refrain from intimate relations for two weeks as a test of their commitment.

After two weeks, both couples came back & the priest asked how they survived the test. The many-years-married couple said “No problem.” The newlyweds looked downcast and guilty. The husband told the pastor that the first week had been difficult, but bearable, but that as the second week passed, well, his wife had bent over to pick up a can of corn, and well…he couldn’t help himself and they had failed the pastor’s test.

The pastor looked saddened and informed the newlywed couple that, unfortunately, they weren’t welcome at the church.

The man answered, “We’re not welcome at the grocery store either.”

7

A man goes to his doctor because he’s having terrible headaches. The doctor examines him and finds nothing much wrong, so he tells the man, “When I have this kind of problem, I always seem to be able to cure it by going home and having passionate sex with my wife, over and over in every form imaginable till we just can’t do it anymore, and by the next day, my headache is gone. I suggest you try that yourself and see if it doesn’t help.” The man looks a little doubtful but leaves the office, and the next day he stops in to see the doctor again, all smiles. “Hey, Doc,” he says, “I did what you said, and it worked! My headache is gone and I’m feeling great! Thanks so much for the wonderful advice!” He starts to leave then turns around and adds, “Oh, by the way, you have a beautiful home!”

8

Equal time for both threads.

Two old people are talking, catching up on news.
One says "Hey, did you hear about Ida? She went into the hospital with kidney trouble, ten days later she died of heart trouble.
The other replies haughtily, “Oh Yeah? Well my doctor’s a specialist - you go into the hospital with kidney trouble, you DIE of kidney trouble, and it don’t take no ten days neither!”

Shaky Jake

9

On the first side topic. I thought it was L.A. Blonde as in Los Angeles Blond. Good to know it is la blonde.

HUGS!
Sqrl

10

I had to look through a lot of old emails, but here it is. It’s long, but well worth it:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the
princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.
In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he’d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises… He had never run across such a repugnant creature.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur’s question:
What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur’s life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.
Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he’d ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she’d been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don’t read until you’ve made your own choice.
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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY. UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE’S STILL A WITCH!

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!

11

Request for bad-joke tellers: If you have a really long joke to tell and it sucks, please say up front, “this joke sucks.”

I am now ten minutes closer to death.

12

Okay, I guess I can’t judge without entering the ring as well:

A guy is stranded on a desert island with a sheep and a dog. After a few weeks, the sheep starts looking pretty sexy. So he makes a move on the sheep, but the dog bites him on the leg. The next day he tries again, and the dog bites him again. Harsh! A week goes by, and he sees a ship coming. He shouts and waves and the ship starts coming towards the island. But it hits a reef and sinks. A beautiful woman who was onboard is trying to stay afloat, so the man braves the sharks and the crashing surf and swims out and rescues her. She says “You saved my life, I’ll do anything for you.” He says, “Can you take my dog for a walk?”