Parrot jokes

Roger Ebert ended his review of “Paulie” by sharing a “brand-new parrot joke” that he invented. Anyone care to explain the punchline?

A parrot has a memory that will only hold the last two things it has heard. A guy buys him, puts him by the front door and tests him. "One, two,‘’ the man says. "One, two,‘’ the parrot says. "Three,‘’ says the man. "Two, three,‘’ says the parrot. "Four,‘’ says the man. "Three, four,‘’ says the parrot. Then the guy shouts to his wife: "So long, honey, I’m going to the office!‘’ When the guy comes home, what does the parrot say?

He also mentions another parrot joke, which I’ve linked from “Isaac Asimov’s Treasury of Humor”: Google Books

So the joke is that…someone moved the ladder, causing the parrot to fall and fatally injure itself, and he squawks out one sentence before dying? Is there something I’ve missed?

If it’s parrot jokes you want, here’s one -a bit vulgar- but chin up and we can get through this.

A guy goes to a pet shop and sees a parrot for sale for one dollar.

The guy asks the shopkeeper why the parrot is so cheap and the shopkeeper replies that all the parrot does is curse and each owner immediately brings him back because he is too vulgar.

The guy says he’s not bothered by that sort of thing, buys the parrot for a dollar and brings him home.

They’re in the kitchen and he says to the parrot, “Polly wanna cracker?” and the parrot replies, “Are you fucking kidding me you’re gonna start with that lame-ass shit? What the fuck is your problem you dumb ass?”

The guy is shocked and says, “Hey, you can’t talk to me like that!”

And the parrot says, “Eat shit, you fucking moron. I’ll talk to you however the fuck I want and there’s not a goddam thing you’re gonna do about it.”

Shocked, the guy grabs the parrot, looks around and then opens his freezer and throws the parrot in.

After a couple of minutes, there’s a knock from inside the freezer and the parrot says, “OK, I’m sorry and I’d like to come out now.”

The guy opens the freezer, lets the parrot out and says, “Well?”

And the parrot says, “I would like to apologize for my profane language and I’m sorry if what I said hurt your feelings. I also promise not to speak to you that way anymore.”

And the guy says, “OK, that’s much better.”

Then the parrot says, “Just one question. What did that chicken say to you?”

I would tell a parrot joke but that would just be repeating what someone else said.

I’m pining for a Fjord just now, and don’t know why.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

Also, to OP - you don’t appear to have stated the punchline that you’re asking about. The part in the quote box appears to be a joke without a punchline, or am I misunderstanding something?

A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag. Again, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” This time, he sees a parrot.

“Did you just say that?” the burglar asks.

“Yes, I did,” replied the bird.

“Huh, how about that? A talking parrot. What’s your name?” the man asks.

“Moses,” the bird replied.

The man laughs. “Who the heck would name a bird Moses?”

“The same kind of people that would name a pit bull Jesus.”

That’s the entire joke as written in Roger Ebert’s column. Paulie movie review & film summary (1998) | Roger Ebert

Then I have no idea what the joke is either.

He gets back home, parrot says “He’s out”

Good thing Ebert kept his day job.

So a magician working on a cruise ship wins a parrot in a poker bet and decides to try to work it into his act. But the parrot ruins his act by loudly explaining the tricks: he does the “sawing a lady in half” trick and the parrot says “Awk! His assistant’s head is sticking out of the front half with her legs folded up, and a second lady is in the bottom half with her legs sticking out!”. This goes on, with the parrot figuring out every trick the magician attempts, and the show is a disaster.

Later, in the middle of the night the cruise ship hits a reef and sinks. The magician just manages to escape with the parrot, still asleep in its cage, and grabs a piece of driftwood, swimming to the shore of a small deserted island.

The next morning the parrot wakes up, looks around, and says “ok, you stumped me. What did you do with the ship?”

There was a cartoon on Sesame Street or Electric Company that I remember from when I was a kid. A guy knocks on the door. The parrot on the other side says “Who is it?” The guy says “It’s the plumber - I’ve come to fix the sink.” The door never opens, so the guy knocks again. “Who is it?” “It’s the plumber! I’ve come to fix the sink!” Repeat several times, with the plumber getting more angry and agitated each time, until he finally passes out from exhaustion.

Lady comes home and sees a guy sprawled out in front of her door. “Oh my gosh! Who is that?”

Parrot: “Its the plumber. He’s come to fix the sink.”

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; ‘Silent Night, Holy Night.’ The husband is very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts to sing ‘Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.’ The husband says Chet is perfect and that he’ll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot’s special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the bird sings ‘Silent Night.’ He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of ‘Jingle Bells.’

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird’s legs, and the bird begins to sing-- ‘Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!’

Shoeless, thanks for saving me the time of re-hashing that joke – the version I knew was told by Gabe Kaplan on, “Welcome Back, Kotter,” and involved a butcher instead of a plumber.

Regarding the parrot with the short memory - I like “window. Now!” better.

This joke is at least 60 years old and is still funny. When I was a kid in 1957 my parents had a book - “My Favorite Jokes” by Arthur Godfrey. (Remember him?) This joke was the first one in the book.

Maybe the answer is supposed to be left to the imagination.
For example the Parrot says" Husband’s home " or “Later honey”.

That makes no sense. Why would a butcher be there to fix the sink? :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

Wow, that joke predates me by a few years then!

Here’s another one that’s probably almost as old:

A woman is kind of lonely-- she’s home all day by herself because her husband works long hours and her teenage daughters are in school, so she goes to a pet shop and finds a parrot being sold for a very cheap price. She asks the storekeeper why so cheap and he says, “well, this parrot used to belong to a whorehouse, and it sometimes says off-color, embarrassing things”. The woman thinks, since it will be just her and the parrot during the day, it’ll be fine.

She brings the parrot home, and it looks around and says “new house, new madame”, which she finds amusing.

Then her teenage daughters come home from school and the parrot says “new house, new madame, new whores”. The mom and her daughters are shocked at first, but laugh it off.

Then the husband comes home, and the parrot says “new house, new madame, new whores, same old customers. Hey Joe!”

At a party, a really drunk guest staggers up to his host and asks, “Do you have green toilet paper that says ‘Fuck you’?”

The bemused host says, “No.”

The guest replies, “Then I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot.”

A certain lady who lived on Park Avenue loved birds and her husband was rich enough to indulge her every whim. For a birthday present he found her a parrot that spoke eleven languages and that cost him exactly $100 for each language. When he got home, he said, “What d’ya think of that wonderful bird I sent you?"

“It was elegant,” she answered. “It’s in the oven right now.”

The husband’s face turned purple. “In the oven?" he shouted. “Why, that bird could speak eleven languages.”

The wife asked, “Then why didn’t it say something?”