How interesting, how telling are my comments here regarding grieving and death.
My grandfather died yesterday afternoon. He was in a cold, hideous hospital that promised to take good care of him, but his body was failing…there was nothing to be done, we all knew that. My uncle sat beside him and watched him draw a deep breath, shudder, and then fall asleep for ever.
I went to visit him two weeks ago in that hospital, and he was sleeping (he slept about 18 hours a day near the end). We watched the Illini in the tournament and I would relay highlights to his sleeping form. I cried. I learned what “wailing” really sound like. It was embarrassing. I sat there for an hour and became uncomfortable watching him, seeing him a completely different from what I remembered, from the guy who ate lunch with the '63 Chicago Bears and beat Gordon Lightfoot out of $300 playing Gin. The guy who smoked and drank and played cards and told dirty jokes. He taught me how to dive, how to do patternless crosswords, he taught me what antedeluvian meant. I hated seeing him. It wasn’t him in that bed.
I looked at him and said “It’s ok if you want to leave grandpa. If you’re suffering, you can go. I miss you already and i love you forever.” I kissed him on the forehead before leaving.
Leaving because I was uncomfortable.
He’s gone now because I ASSUMED I’d see him again. I ASSUMED I’d come back to watch baseball with him. I THOUGHT I had more important things to do.
Don’t put anything off. Not with anyone. Your children, your husband, your family, your mom, your grandpa. Our lives are finite, and while we THINK we can tell when they will end, we have NO idea. Planning a weekend away with hubby? DON’T WAIT. Go tell him you love him right now. Tell your children how much they mean to you. Call your sister who is pissing you off about something so stupid that you’ll laugh about it in two weeks. Don’t let them fall asleep forever without seeing you for one last time.
I knew I shouldn’t have opened this thread, because it just set me off again.
It’s been just over two months since my wife died, and I still find myself thinkling of all the things we were going to do, but kept putting off until “later, when we’ll have more time.” Worse, I keep thinking of all the things I wish I’d said to her; even after she came home from the hospital that last time I kept telling myself that, despite everything that our doctor and the hospice people said, she would get well enough for us to talk again before she left. By the time I was able to face the truth it was too late.
It sounds trite, but I mean it. Jarbaby He taught you patternless crosswords…holy moley. That’s impressive. I cannot even finish one regular crossword puzzle.
And to you. I’m not sure you remember, but I met your wife at an old ChiDope. I certainly don’t expect all the bickering and backbiting on the Dope to stop and I don’t think that we’re going to embrace the spirit of Christmas all year round or some such shit…I just…wish people would take ten minutes out of each day to remember someone that they just ASSUME will always be there.
Oh wait. Don’t misunderstand. I can’t FINISH a patternless crossword, he just taught me about the symmetry and how to count off the blocks. Regular crosswords stump me just fine
What he did teach me to perfection is how to swim and dive, and how to play gin. Marketable skills? Nah, but I could probably play with Gordon Lightfoot.
Losing a loved one is a deep sadness. It has only been a few months since the death of my father, and his passing is still a sadness for me, even when I remember that when death came for him, he came as a friend. My thoughts are with you.
jarbabyj My heart goes out to you. Your message can’t be repeated enough. My son died in 2000 and sometimes the pain is as bad as the day it happened. We had a wonderful, honest relationship, with little left unsaid… that is, except for the things I need to say to him everyday of my life. I still miss him like I’d miss my left hand (yes, I’m a lefty)
His father is a different story. They had many many issues unresolved. I don’t talk to his dad very often. He lives on the other side of the country, & his wife hates me. But, when I have had occasion to speak with him, he is so very different. We both lost part of ourselves when Michael died, but I am slowly healing. His father doesn’t seem to be.
Never, never, leave issues unresolved. Communicate. Kiss your kids and your partner everytime they leave your side.
my sincere condolences {{{{{{{{jarbabyj}}}}}}}}
My deepest sympathies. I’ll pray for you to find a way to continue on, for the pain of loss to ease. You are spot on with the thought to tell them you love them today, and not to put it off. Let people know how they’ve affected your life, how you treasure them for being themselves. This is a wisdom, and a good thing.
Don’t beat yourself up too much over not being there as he died, he knew you loved him, and maybe wanted you to be spared that pain, of watching him go. You did say goodbye to him, in a way that last time as you left. I don’t think he held it against you, he’d want you to live, and do the things you need to do. You were with him in a way, because love lingers, and he felt you there with him in spirit, and this gave him courage at the last, and peace. Trite as it sounds, his legacy lives on, and it shows in you.
Take care of yourself, make sure you rest, and eat. Mourning takes a lot of energy. I’m praying for you, sending you good energy to help you through this.
LurkMeister I still think of you, and pray too. I hope your pain eases with time, so you can heal. Take care of yourself.
jarbabyj, yes, I remember last year’s ChiDope. It was one of the last times my wife was out of the house for anything but medical purposes. She really appreciated getting out and meeting people.
Oh, and I’m one of those annoying people who do crossword puzzles in ink, including the patternless ones (although usually do the initial counting on a separate sheet until I’m sure of the grid pattern).
Jarbaby, my deepest condolences. Recently I’ve also lost my grandfather. I know how hard the first few days are, and I’m lucky that my memories of him were always when he was healthy and happy. Keep the happy memories you have of him, and remember that he’s in a better place, and not suffering. It sounds like you had a lot of very good experiences from him, and that he’s taught you a lot. He must have been very proud of his granddaughter. (I know mine was, but that’s partially because I was the only granddaughter and also an American grandchild.) Keep the lessons he taught you, for a good deal of them may help to improve your success in life. ::
Life is a precious thing, and part of an ongoing cycle. (At least in my scheme of the cosmos it is.) Do your best to do right by the world and yourself.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My family is going through something similar. My dad is lying in a hospital, where he’s been for 2 and 1/2 months after 3 surgeries (bowel resection and partial foot amputation) for vascular disease. He also had a mini-stroke and isn’t the same man he was. We were also told that even after his rehabilitation, he will keep losing parts of his lower extremities to the disease.
Unfortunately, it has taken all of this for me to appreciate my dad and tell him I love him. We never had a great relationship when I was growing up and only started tolerating each other about 8 or 9 years ago. But now I can’t imagine life without him. Three months ago, he was cleaning his golf club, getting ready for their 2 weeks in Florida. Even though he’s been on dialysis for 7 years now, he was a very healthy 64 year old. Now life will never be the same. We’re just lucky he lived through a surgery he wasn’t expected to live through at all.
I hope all of our stories will remind people to appreciate what they have. You just never know.