We the human race has decided to remove you from our species. We have collectively decided, that you and your contemporaries such as Jerry Falwell, and Osama bin Laden have no place in the human race. There is much deliberation as to what your new designation will be, but we felt that it was time to let you know that we made this decision as it is not fair to us as humans to allow creatures such as yourself to infect us any longer.
We want you to know that irrational hate, such as yours, has no place in our society. Not only is it unpleasant to watch you defecating yourself on a regular basis, it also makes no sense from the perspective that we hold. The rest of us, want what’s best for society. Yes, we disagree on what’s best fairly regularly, but most of us can come to a sort of consensus that inor superficial differences have nothing to do with the divine.
Now the debate here is whether to eugenically remove you. However, it is important for you to know that we would not do it because we hate you, this could not be further from the truth, however we are aware that your subspecies could not possibly fathom other motivations. But, we as human being feel that it is necessary to at least try and communicate with your inferior race. Therefore I will try to explain it in terms you will understand. We have labelled you as a sort of social carcinogen. When a human being gets a cancer, they don’t hate the cancer, they do what they can to remove it. We are fully aware that your species would hate the cancer, but that is not so for us humans. We just do the necessary thing to get rid of it. Now, we realize that other species have a right to life, but there is a strong debate in your case as your species can breed with ours. And there is a strong contingent among us that feels that a small amount of genocide might be worth keeping such a horrible eventuality as you breeding with a human, from coming to pass.
So in closing, we will let you know when we decide what the best course of action is. We’ve also spoken to the media about this, and they’ve decided that the best media outlet for you would be the Discovery channel, therefore you will no longer be on Fox news, though just between you and I, we are deliberating on whether or not they belong to our species or yours.
Damn! I must’ve missed the vote to dehumanize this dirtball. I so sorely wanted to vote him out, to sign my name to the document that exiled this peice of shit…
mswas, I favor keeping him around as an object lesson in the proper way of dealing with bigotry: The Fred Phelps Comedy Hour!
It’d be great. As he rants about the Evils of Homosexuality, we could show Photoshopped images of him engaging in various acts he would consider deviant and wrong.
Like, say, reading a science textbook without breaking out the lighter fluid and his favorite brown shirt.
Interview sections would be a blast: The people we’d send on would tear him so many new assholes he wouldn’t know which one to shove his head up first. Besides, the only thing could make Phelps happier than the rational world burning down is a nice, new asshole.
Of course, nothing is funnier than a Battle of the Bockheads. Get Jerky Falwell, Oberriechscommandant Buchanan, Odorous Butt Lips, and Phobic Phelps into a plexiglass cage and watch the fun.
We will form a new nation. It will consist of Felps, Falwell, Osama, all KKK and Neo-Nazi members, and possibly Regis. It will be located in a desolate part of Antarctica (where even penguins fear to go). The national uniform will be a speedo. The only assault weapon will be squirt guns and water balloons.
Then these people will be allowed to form whatever hateful government the like. Knock yourselves out, guys.
And pick whatever name you like for your country. Feel free to fight it out, although I’m happy to make a few suggestions:
Ah, yes, good ol’ Fred. I finally had a close encounter with him & his little gang earlier this summer, which I actually enjoyed immensely. I was stuck in a little traffic slowdown near Texas Stadium, caused by all of the folks going to Billy Graham’s shindig there, and exacerbated by the driving rain. And there they were, standing on the freeway service road in their yellow rain slickers, brandishing umbrellas in one hand and protest signs condemning Billy to hell for failing to hate fags in the other. Truly a pathetic sight.
The stop & go traffic brought me to a stop right next to the little group, just on the other side of a big pool of standing water. And I just couldn’t help myself. When the traffic in front of me started to move, I held off for a few seconds to get some space, then revved the engine, jammed the gearshift into first, steered a bit right toward the protesters, then back left as I hit the center of the puddle.
Totally juvenile, I know. But it sure turned my mood around, let me tell you.
mswas, it won’t do any good to “eugenically remove” Fred at this point. He’s already bred thirteen kids, nine of which are in the family fold with him. *They * already have produced innumerable grandchildren, some of which are not all that far from breeding age themselves. I saw them just yesterday, here in Topeka, picketing outside my church, Grace Episcopal Cathedral.
That’s why I said eugenics, and not just assasination, or having him “put down”. It wouldn’t be eugenics if I weren’t willing to remove his spawn as well.
Many of the children have removed themselves from the family. A good portion of them have changed their last names just so they don’t have to deal with the question of whether they’re related to him or not.
