The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest!
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years
canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt.
I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:
They live here. You don’t.
If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.(That’s why they call it "fur"niture.)
I like my pets a lot better than most people.
To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly. Dogs and
cats are better than kids …they eat less, don’t ask for money all the
time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink,
don’t worry about
having to buy the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, and don’t
need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you
can give the children away…
Just because you CAN chew through tin cans doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
That stuff is cat food. You are a dog. Duh.
Metamucil is not one of the 4 food groups. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s just going to make you poop uncontrollably, which no one likes.
You go out at 7:30am every day. Waking me up at 5:30 profits no one but irritates the person who buys the tin cans and Metamucil.
I know your feet are delicious, but if you keep licking them that much, they will get infected, and you will have to wear the E-collar. I will laugh my ass off, but you will be very unhappy.
To the cats:
People are not a walking surface. I don’t know how you concentrate all your weight onto one point so it feels like a stick being pushed into my body by a dumptruck, but it seems to defy the laws of Newtonian physics, since you only weigh 10 pounds.
Stop putting cat fur into my food. I find it in my meals even when I eat out at restaurants. I don’t know how you do it, but I do not have the hairball-horking mechanisms that you have, so knock it off.
Speaking of hairballs, I do appreciate that you give me advance notice that you will be barfing by making that gross gagging noise, but why do you evade the newspaper that I try to put under your mouth, only to barf on the couch? Is this all a game to you?
Just because I got up from the couch does not mean it’s dinner time, so there is no need for you all to run, like a herd of miniature elephants, to the kitchen. You will only be disappointed.
You can get up and down the stairs without slipping on the polished woodwork. Really. I understand you’re afraid of falling, but I’m going to have to get over my fear of subways and elevators and planes and you’re going to have to get over your fear of stairs… somehow.
Your fear of the kitchen blinds opening and closing, however, is stupid. Yes, I realize it hurts your ears, that’s why I try not to do it while you’re in range. No, they will not eat you. Idiot dog.
Stop barking at everything already! Stop it! Stop…
The game of “bark at the chew toy while sitting on the couch until Kyth picks it up for you, and then drop it over the edge and bark at it again” (you know, kinda like the way a baby throws its things out of the playpen) ceased to be funny a long, long time ago.
Stop running into doors and benches and chairs, you’re going to hurt yourself. Idiot dog.
I am not going to sacrifice your entrails to the elder gods if I pick you up from Mum’s bed. Quit growling at me.
I said stop barking!
Please don’t sniff around my feet and beg for food when I’m eating at the table. You have adorable brown puppy eyes and a waggy tail and tiny little paws, it’s just quite simply not fair.
Shadow’s food is not better than yours. It is a low-calorie, diet food. Stop barking at her when she eats!
Don’t eat the woodwork off of the walls any more. Mommy was very upset after you took that CHUNK out of the stairway woodwork - complete with the protruding nail. That’ll teach us to go to that Christmas party and leave you!
It’s great that you know how to open all of the cabinets, closet doors, and stuff. We also love your redecorating efforts. Did you really have to spin the island spinner around, open the lower kitchen cabinets, and deposit the following onto the carpet when I’m gone;
gravy packets
brownie mix
chewed-up raw potatoes
cereal
the results of eating the cereal
We love you anyhow.
To Shadow the dog;
Honey’s food is not good for you. It is hers. Please stop barking at her when she eats. {sigh}
You only weigh 14 pounds. How do daddy and I end up with no covers and no room in our king-sized bed?
The opposum that has decided to hibernate under the back stairs is not a friend. Please do not go up to it and give it kisses the way you did this morning. :eek:
We do not generally mind that you enjoy playing at night. We do ask however that the bed be declared a no-combat zone while people are on it.
Cuervo, we’re all happy for your adjustment. I understand the others won’t be your friends and that baffles you. I also get that you have adopted Small Gray Stuffed Cat and Mouse as your bestest friends, however it is NOT necessary to drag them to your food, and let them bathe in the other cat’s water dish. Scarlett and Marty don’t like that.
Scarlett: We get it. You waited for Erica to die so you could be Bitch Queen Diva. BQD is not the same as bully. A BQD expects things and sits at a loftier position than the others, she does NOT lie in wait to bully the other two, smaller boys. That’s just mean.
Marty: I know we had them removed, so obviously I don’t mean this literally, but please GROW A SET. Quit hissing and running like a sissy girl when one of the others wants to play or fight with you. I taught you better than that.
All of you: It’s a laminate floor into which your claws will not stick and provide you any assistance in turning corners at high speed. Adapt accordingly. When you run you all resemble nothing more than short-track speed skaters. One second thought, skip this, you make us laugh when you slide like that.
