[ul]
[li] Re-making a bed with new sheets = must be buried beneath the mattress sheet.[/li][li] Someone getting out of the shower requires sitting on the toilet and meowing incessantly until the showering party has left the bathroom.[/li][li] Folding clothes out of the dryer shall not go unmolested.[/li][li] Leave your seat, human? Dem’s da berries.[/li][li] The desire to be outside decreases exponentially should the opportunity become available.[/li][li] Toilet paper is the enemy and must be destroyed.[/li][li] Although there are certain “greatest hits” sleeping spots, one must always remember that there are also new odd sleeping spots that get rotation for a few days, then are abandoned.[/li][li] Suitcases in the hallway are highly suspicious and therefore must be investigated.[/li][li] Odds are excellent that grocery bags hold secret treasure and require exploration.[/li][li] Morning time is for eating. Sleeping humans are discouraged at all costs from forgetting this simple fact.[/li][li] Humans reading a newspaper shall not be tolerated.[/li][/ul]
When in doubt, groom.
If I fits in it, I sits in it (got that from Lolcats).
The best time for pettings is when the human is using the big, chair-shaped litter box.
If it moves across the ground, it must be attacked (this includes feet).
I will protect my human’s eyesight by placing myself between them and the computer monitor whenever possible.
Don’t you keep up with fashion? Cat hair goes with everything.
Boxes contain cats. If there is no cat in a box, this must be remedied IMMEDIATELY.
I am completely satisfied with the length and sharpness of my claws. They do not need to be clipped. In fact, they need to be even longer and sharper.
Humans enjoy having a tailtip up their noses. Even if they say otherwise.
Humans occasionally step into a waterfall. They must be closely chaperoned lest they drown or slip down the drain. On the other hand, wet humans taste delicious, and must be licked dry.
Humans were put on this world so that cats would not have to evolve hands and thumbs. Don’t let them forget that.
My cat has a basket that she likes to sleep in. But the basket has to be in a box, or it’s no good. She’s a cat in a basket in a box.
If you mew loudly enough the human can opener will get up and feed you.
Six am on a Sunday is the perfect time to feed a cat.
Too specific. Whichever side of any door I am on at the moment, is by definition the wrong side. I think it was Robert Heinlein who put it thusly: cats are quantum creatures, who need to be on both sides of a door at the same time.
Any spaghetti is yours. Especially if it’s on the human china and not in your bowl. Your human wants to make you happy and therefore dishes you up spaghetti on the good china, of course it’s not for her. Even if it’s on the kitchen table, bench, top of refrigerator - this is simply a game you must play with her to get to the spaghetti. It will be worth it. You love spaghetti.
If you throw up on the cushion on the couch, it will be cleaned. Ultimately, you have eight couch cushions to choose from, therefore your human will understand if you actually manage to throw up across six at once. Your human loves to wash the cushions. Once clean, your vomit will be attracted to them again when needed. Next time try for all eight.
I have to confess that I went out and bought something like a dozen stoneware saucers for the cats. I DID buy them at the thrift store, for about 8 cents each. These saucers are just right for holding a couple of spoonfuls of steak, chicken, pork chop, and/or veggies (one of our cats likes to sample veggies, and is particularly fond of asparagus). I must also confess that I dish up and serve the cats’ dinners first. But this is so that we humans can eat in peace.
I am NOT ALLOWED to be alone in the bathroom. I will always have at least one and quite possibly all three cats in there with me, all of them begging to be petted or to have the water turned on. If I shut the door completely, there is much caterwauling and scratching at the door.
I got a corollary from an “Archie” comic - Archie’s dad says to the family cat, “How come you’re always on the wrong side of this door?”
I’ve learned from my grass-eating cats that even if you’re eating the grass outside, you must come back inside to do your barfing.
Magazines placed neatly on coffee tables must be removed to the floor.
Throw rugs should always be bunched up in a wad and never flat on the floor.
Basically, anything neat and tidy must be knocked down, knocked over or messed up in some way, for we cats are the servants of chaos and order cannot be allowed.
::snort::
Back when we had inside/outside kitties, one cat was CONVINCED that she had to do her thing in the litter box. No matter that there were acres of sand out there (we lived in Nevada at the time). Nope, she had to come inside, use the litterbox, and then promptly demand to be let outside again.
There are no two cats exactly alike. Every single one of them must have some quirk that allows their servants to treat them as special and different than any other cat in the palace.
I actually think that there is an elaborate set of cat rules just for scoring a sport that they compete in called “cool places to sleep.” Too arcane for us to understand, but look at any sleeping cat, it knows the score.
This was our Maggie, as well. So well-brought-up that she had to go inside to excrete, and would no more go in the woods tha n my daughter would.
Or a butthole.