Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.
Bathrooms: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -----just sit there and stare. Some Cats with a more prankish disposition like to hide behind the White Drinking Bowl and reach around to pat the human on the behind as s/he is sitting down just to watch him/her leap up in surprise. This will result in expulsion, but is worth it!
Hampering: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.This is called “helping”, otherwise known as “hampering”. Following are the rules for “hampering”
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often, reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammock in spite of what the humans may tell you.
c) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income tax or christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim…to “hamper”. First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
Bedtime: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
Play: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important, though to maintain one’s dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately, wash a part of your body as if to say “I MEANT to do that!”. It fools those humans every time.
Favorite Cat Games
“Catch Mouse”: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
“King of The Hill”: This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.
WARNING" Playing either one of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddling up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
Favorite Cat Toys: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.
-Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can’t play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
-Dangly and /or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though.
Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity.
- Guests: Quickly determine which guest hates (or is allergic to) Cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for particularly bad “tuna breath” (or extra dander), so much the better. For the guest who exclaims, “I love kitties!”, be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.