Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run

  1. Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

  2. Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.

  3. Bathrooms: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -----just sit there and stare. Some Cats with a more prankish disposition like to hide behind the White Drinking Bowl and reach around to pat the human on the behind as s/he is sitting down just to watch him/her leap up in surprise. This will result in expulsion, but is worth it!

  4. Hampering: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.This is called “helping”, otherwise known as “hampering”. Following are the rules for “hampering”
    a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
    b) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often, reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammock in spite of what the humans may tell you.
    c) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income tax or christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim…to “hamper”. First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

  5. Bedtime: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

  6. Play: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important, though to maintain one’s dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately, wash a part of your body as if to say “I MEANT to do that!”. It fools those humans every time.
    Favorite Cat Games
    “Catch Mouse”: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
    “King of The Hill”: This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.
    WARNING" Playing either one of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddling up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

Favorite Cat Toys: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.
-Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can’t play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
-Dangly and /or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though.
Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity.

  1. Guests: Quickly determine which guest hates (or is allergic to) Cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for particularly bad “tuna breath” (or extra dander), so much the better. For the guest who exclaims, “I love kitties!”, be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
  1. Sleep (Human): Humans really only need about seven hours of sleep. So even if they go to sleep at 9 PM because they are exhausted, it is perfectly proper to wake them at 4 AM demanding breakfast. The best procedure here is to stand outside the bedroom and meow loudly for a minute, then stop for just long enough for the human to be almost asleep again, and meow again. Door-scratching is optional but recommended. Continue until your human is throughly peeved but completely and totally awake. (Note: your human in question may not immediately feed you, fearing that you will become hungry earlier in the day when she is not around.)
  1. Marking Territory-- Be sure to knock down as many objects as possible with your tail as you walk by. This enables your humans to know what territory you have officially marked! Don’t allow your humans to repair the territory, walk by four or five times in a row if necessary!
  1. Bathroom habits: Be sure to scatch your litter loudly for as long as possible to insure everyone in the house is informed of what you’re doing. Arrange litter into perfect pile near edge of box, turn around and deposit poo directly onto floor, missing box entirely. Pretend you’re covering it up anyway. (See “I meant to do that” above.) Be sure to walk through poo on way out of litter box so as to leave a trail of poopie footprints, or even better make patterned pants for whoever happens to be sitting down at the time.

The best way to get back at a cat for this is to follow them to their litter box, crouch down, and stare directly at them while they poo. Pisses them off to no end.

  1. When the spouse of your human takes a nap on the couch, this is the perfect time to explore that folding warm thing he is always typing on while it takes your rightful space in his lap. We hear rumor it is called a “laptop”, well that means it’s a lap, and therefore your’s.

Bonus points will be awarded for pulling out cables or if something called emacs is running filling the screen with many many many many lines of randomness. Great joy can be derived from watching him clean up his source.

Note this “laptop” is never to be puked or peed on, and is also immune to the poopy footprint rule as such activities will lead to your human’s spouse throwing you out a god-damn window.

(note: my human’s spouse did not throw me out the window, though he did threaten and want to, he just made a sound I didn’t know house monkey’s could produce and promptly locked me in the bedroom for the better part of a day)

13. Butt-In-The-Face-Maneuver:

Whenever you catch a human lying or sitting down, leap up on them, turn around, and shove your fabulous furry patootie in their face. Be sure your tail is raised high and proud, so that the human in question gets a good view/whiff of your precious feline anus. Humans love that; they think that Kitty Butt Holes are adorable as they resemble little drawstring purses. Remember, everything about you is cute!

DOH! took a while writing this… guessed that someone else would have posted… a smart monkey would have opened a fourth browser and checked, but I’m just bobo… besides error checking a post to an internet message forum, even I’m not that anal… but I am anal enough to correct myself…

14: “Rules” There are always certain things that the humans don’t want you do to and will cause them to make loud noises or bring out the Evil Water Spritzer[sub]TM[/sup]. However, they are liable to change their mind at any time, so make sure that you attempt these “rules” at every chance you get.

Hi, Ayesha!

  1. Your human is only at the computer because they have forgotten they have a cat to play with. Walk back and forth in front of the screen, meowing piteously. Bonus points for hitting CTRL ALT and DELETE simultaneously.

  2. Knick-knack is french for kitty toy. Show your culture!

17: Boxes and bags: If you see a box or bag, get in them.

Some humans, such as BlackKnight above, think they’re clever. If your human tries this trick, simply show it #10. Up close and personal.
#18 Read everything you can find on Garfield, the cat god.

Its a really GREAT joke at 3 am to try to hawk up a hairball the size of Pittsburgh while sitting ion your humans foot. My my she moves fast from a dead sleep :smiley:

1(a): Doors and inclement weather.

The weather may be different on different sides of the house. Follow all the steps in rule 1 at, say, the back door. Then insist on checking what is happening at the front door.

Oh yeah, your slaves seem to love dead things. Bring them a dead mouse, or bird, or whatever once in a while. Leave it on their pillow while they’re asleep, then wake them up. They’ll love you for it. They might even eat it. Ugh!
See how many different kinds of food you can get them to buy. Lick the yummy juices of the expensive stuff, but don’t eat the rest.
Purina cat chow is the exception. It gets you high.

Dooood…when I was little, and we lived at our old place, my cat Fluffy was our only pet, and we had her litter box and food dishes in the corner beside the fridge and by the pantry door. There was a large can that was place across from her litter box, and when I was little-like say, seven-I used to sit there and watch her use the litter box-heheheh…the cat is POOPING!!! She always used to give me dirty looks.

I have never seen a thread that deserved this link more.

But above all else, remember: It’s YOUR bed.

The best view of the Christmas tree is from the inside.

22 a. No matter what the humans say mini blinds are for climbing !
22 b. If you do not feel like climbing the blinds at the moment then they are for clawing/chewing.
22 c. A human yelling damn you cat while you are climbing or chewing/clawing the blinds is their way of saying “good job kitty, keep it up”.

  1. Despite their claims otherwise all humans love having their noses nipped by your sharp teeth.