The first rule of cat club is…nobody meows about cat club.
The second rule is if you still have your claws, be kind to your humans, but feel free to shred the furniture and drapes.
The third rule is sleep as much as you can during the day, then prowl around the house at night, knocking things over (BAM!) and pouncing on paper bags.
The fourth rule is attack every loose shoelace as if it were a WMD.
The fifth rule is use the litter box, unless they forgot to clean it. Then do your business right in front of the litter box to send an unmistakable message.
The sixth rule is maintain an aura of superiority at all times.
So what are some of the rules of cat club at your house???
The best place for lying down is on top of the newspaper, when it’s spread out and there’s a human kind of leaning over it, looking down. Not somewhere in the other 1800 sq. ft. of house. Right. on. top. of. the. paper.
When you are indoors, your top priority is to convince the humans to let you out. And vice versa.
For Jesper:
Lick every plastic bag insistently.
For Gia:
Never meow while the humans are awake. This is to be done from 2-4am, loudly.
Run from everything.
If you have to yack a hairball, be sure do it somewhere creative.
For Five Furry Kittens:
Pant legs were made to be climbed.
Never let your brother/sister get in the last pounce.
Erica demands fresh water in her outside on the porch water bowl at all times. it doesn’t matter if you JUST gave her fresh, she’ll demand that the next time she approaches the bowl, you re-fill.
Scarlett requires that you admire her tummy as she rolls around in front of you, and when she’s ready to rest, she must be allowed to lick your fingers.
Marty only demands that the women obey him and let him eat first. He’s pretty low-key.
Cricket requires that my lap be reserved for her only when I am on the computer. If another cat is in my lap she will sit on the edge of the desk with her back to me and snub me. (Looking over her shoulder at me to make sure I know I’m being snubbed.)
Points are awarded for sleeping in the best places. Extra points are awarded for style. Whoever dies with the most points wins.
Keep an eye out on your human when they set the alarm. Now, wake them up half an hour before it is set to go off. Bonus points if you do it as cutely as possible.
**Maya the kitten: **always relentlessly bug the hell out of Little Bear, because he’s too old to defend himself. Jump on his back and bite the back of his neck. If there’s an old, slow human around, bite the hell out of them too. This is especially fun if there’s blood and lots of yelling. Other fun things include knocking over every waste basket in the house to find things that smell funny. Also pull kleenex out of boxes and unroll toilet paper. For extra credit, poop in the house plants and run off with containers of human medicine. Entertain the humans by bringing back the bottlecaps that they throw (I admit to being baffled by this; I bring back their bottlecaps, and the humans call me “good girl” and then they throw them again. I don’t understand the point of all this, but it seems to amuse them.)
**17-year-old Little Bear: *complain very loudly when that obnoxious kitten attacks; a human will show up to yell at her. Occasionally complain when she hasn’t done anything wrong, just to get the little bitch in trouble. Occasionally poop on the dining room carpet; that’ll get her in trouble big time. Drag the metal water bowl all over the kitchen floor, creating big puddles that the humans will step in. Eat lots of houseplants so you can vomit in a spot where a human is sure to step with its bare feet. Also, if the human gives you a pill, keep it hidden in your mouth until the human thinks you’ve swallowed it. Then spit it out somewhere else.
*Oops, they figured out that my poop’s bigger than hers. Don’t try that again.
It is required that all available cats begin the “wind around Meowmee’s feet” maneuver whenever she is carrying a cup of hot coffee. Contestants are judged on grace, amount of contact with ankles and number of turns accomplished. Bonus points may be awarded at the judges discretion if the Meowmee has to stop whatever she is doing to clean coffee off a contestant.
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Is it Snakes cat lady or Snake scat lady?
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