A Cat's Resolutions for the New Year

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

With thanks to the friend who forwarded me this list, which is currently making the email rounds. I’m sure all of you reading these can add your own examples – I know I’ve got plenty!
THE CAT’S RESOLUTIONS

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink’s drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not intrude on my human’s candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human’s head repeatedly when she’s on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are not a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn’t need my help installing a new board in her computer

2

My step-sister and I are not allowed to sleep in the bedroom. When we get kicked out at night, I won’t bite and claw the humans, and I won’t chase after my step-sister and take out my anger on her.

I will allow the humans to go to the bathroom without my supervision once or twice a day.

3

If my humans buy me a toy, I will make an effort to play with it at least a couple of times before completely ignoring it in favour of the little balled-up piece of tinfoil.

I am an inside kitty. I have made my peace with that, and I will no longer spend all of my time and energy trying to escape the house.

4

With a few exceptions (we do not share the house with any other critters—at least, not by invitation—and I do not take candle-lit bubble baths), this sounds remarkably like Ms Ấlainn’s list.

One difference: the things your cat has resolved not to do, she has made her highest priorities.

5

When my human is cleaning her glasses, I will not try to swipe them out of her hand.

If she puts them down, I will not grab them in my mouth and run away.

6

Cats are so cute! I need to get a cat. O you who have been adopted by a cat, hug/love your cat for us poor cat-less peeps. I have nothing else to contribute.

WRS

7

I resolve to be more patient with my pet humans. If they pick me up, I won’t growl under my breathe and purr in between, it just confuses them.

8

(For my friend’s cat)
When my human’s friend monica comes over, I will not climb in her lap, demand she pet me, purr as if I’m enjoying the heck out of it, get bored, and bite her. Three times. It may be really fun and really amusing, but those humorless humans aren’t nearly as amused at the feel of sharp teeth on their flesh.

9

When I go out, I will wait at least half an hour before coming back in. When I come in, I will wait at least half an hour before coming in.

I will not go into my human’s room and hide under the bed before he goes to sleep, then at 3:00 AM begin to push stuff off of the desk to wake him up so that he can let me out.

10

I will not sing opera loudly at 3 a.m. when my humans and their neighbours (try to) sleep.

11

I will not headbutt the door in order to get into my human’s bedroom. No matter how many times I do it or how much I complain, the door will remain shut.

I will not beg for attention, then sneeze in my human’s face once she picks me up.

12

How can you forget:

I will not walk across the computer keyboard.

And:

Having walked across the keyboard I will not curl up and go to sleep on the Cap Lock key.

I wil not bolt my food so fast I throw it up again five minutes later…and particularly, I will not then begin to complain loudly that I’m still hungry.
But let’s face it…the only thing that’s on a cat’s resolution list is:

Get more sleep.

Eat more cat food.

13

You forgot:

Drive my humans batty.

14

As submitted by Baby:
I will not dig in the indoor flowerpots, even tho’ Bob the Builder has just been on TV.

I will not peel back the screen from our sunroom, fall three stories and not get a scratch and then take a nap in a dryer in our apartment complex’s laundry room until Mommy comes to get me.

I will not try to eat thumbtacks. I am not convinced that they are not good for me, but I know it upsets the humans.

As submitted by Princess:
I will not hiss at the other cats when they get within five feet of me as I’ve been doing for the past year and a half.

As submitted by Goldie:
I will stop playing with my toy mice in the bedroom at two in the morning. And at two fifteen. And at two thirty. And at two fourty-five. And so on.

As submitted by Jelly:
Screw you, pal. I’m perfect as I am, right?

15

In addition, since I am a black cat I will not hide in cupboards or closets and sit there with a strange wide-eyed stare on my face after my owner has watched Ju’on or The Grudge. I will not ask my brother to stare at the cupboard or closet so my owner will open it.

16

I will not constantly annoy the older cat by jumping on his back and biting him, knowing that he’s too old to defend himself.

I will stop confusing the house plants with the litter box.

I will stop vomiting after I eat. Especially when I run into the living room to vomit on the carpet.

I will never, ever eat what the other cat has vomited.

I will not wake up my human by biting his toes.

I will not leap over the toilet while my master is peeing, then complain about getting all wet.

I will stop leaving dead mice in my human’s shoe.

I will stop eating all the dried flowers in the house.

I will try to purr more.

I will not crawl through the venetian blinds, in a vain effort to get outside.

I will not hiss at the seeing eye dog that visits with my human’s friend.

I will not use the spines of my human’s record albums as a scratching post.

I will not unroll an entire roll of toilet paper from the bathroom.

I will not drink putrid water from the house plants.

I will not walk on my humans answering machine, erasing all the messages.

I will try to enjoy getting brushed, and stop hissing and growling and biting.

I will start using the scratching post, rather than using everything **but ** the scratching post.

I will not jump onto the stove when the flame is on, singeing my tail.

I will stop tearing down all the spider plant babies.

I will try to accept the fact that not everything in the house is a potential toy.

I will try to learn the meaning of the word, “NO!”

17

We will not meeow piteously and claw frantically at the door to come inside, and then when it is finally opened, decide that is the time to start a thorough session of self-grooming and warm-up stretches before crossing the threshold.

We will not prance across the kitchen benches to find the junk basket wherein lie wine corks (at the bottom under all the other crap that we piff onto the bench in our search). We will not pick them up in our mouth like a dog, then throw them on the floor to play kitty-soccer. We will not return to the junk basket every five minutes when we are bored with THAT cork. When our Mistress returns home with a new boyfriend she might be trying to impress, she does not want to see 48 wine corks scattered over the floor.

We will stop beating up the new boyfriend’s dog. He’s smaller than we are, and is blind and deaf as well. It’s really quite demeaning when he tries to defend himself against the two of us, lashing out against the unseen foe. It IS a heap of fun though. Nearly as good as playing with wine corks.

18

billclinton:
I will not knock the water dish over, nor will I shake droplets.

I will not throw up on the manuscripts.

I will not shred the manuscripts.

I will admit that my food is already dead and will not bat it around the living room in a vain attempt to get it to fight back.

I will sheath my claws when pouncing on things under my staff’s bedcovers.

I will lose some weight. Perhaps expanding my exercise regime of running from the back door around the house to the front door, then through the house to the back door, out the door, then around to the front door . . .

I will catch up on my beauty sleep.

I will perfect that leap to the top of the refrigerator. Maybe after I lose some weight.

I will perfect my innocent expression. After all, there is a young staff member as well as another feline who could better take the blame.

saha

I will remain perfect, as always, with no improvements or modifications necessary, and thank you for your continued support, not that I need your continued support, as it’s a matter of complete indifference to me.

19

Bacon is not prey and I resolve to stop hunting it, raw or cooked, whenever my human steps out of the kitchen for a moment. However, we’re agreed that I can keep all the pigs I can catch.

20

Gaia

Food Giver will wake up when Food Giver wakes up. Cawing, prowling and nibbling on her nose only get me kicked off the bed.

When Food Giver is finally awake tripping her on the stairs does not get her to the kitchen faster and may someday prevent me from eating totally.

When Food Giver doesn’t want me in her lap perhaps I can use one of the dozen or so cat beds strewn about the house, rather then curling in a miserable ball on the floor.

Bey

Finish plan for world domination.

Stop kicking my brother out of the good sleeping spots just for the heck of it. If I don’t want to lay there, just let him have it.

Keep the humans under my adorable, wide eyed power.

Take over world.

Morrigan

I no longer have to fight 110 cats for food. I do not have to steal my person’s food off her fork. She always gives me scraps if I am paitient.

The birds outside know I’m there. They laugh when I hit my head trying to get them. Stop giving them the satisfaction.