A Cat's Resolutions for the New Year

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Bernie:

I will refrain from emitting hypnotic sleep waves from my whisker tips when I occupy Herr 'spiel’s lap.

I do not play the piano better than Herr 'spiel and he does not require a duet partner.

Furthermore, Herr 'spiel does not require help with his essays and term papers and plonking my furry body on top of whatever book he is reading will only get me dumped on the floor. Messing about with his notes will get me banned to the back hall.

I will remember that Frau 'spiel does not appreciate my presentation of assorted mouse bits artfully arranged in the middle of the kitchen floor - especially when she is barefoot and coffeeless at 6:00 am.

Murphy:

When I share the bed with the 'spiels I will switch off the gravity machine that prevents them shifting me from in between them. I will retire gracefully to the foot of the bed and not stomp off muttering and bitching about being moved to an unwarmed portion of the duvet and featherbed.

I am fed the amount of food required for me to keep my girlish figure. Further, I must remind myself that fresh french fries, no matter how delectable, are HOT!

Note to self: the woodstove is also HOT!

22

Mittens, aka Pyoo-ee!, aka Pooh, aka Dummy Orangehead:

  1. I will not yowl to go outside, then decide it’s too cold once the door is opened.

  2. I will not insist on re-checking the temperature outside every five minutes. I will try to remember that if it’s too cold to go out at 8:00, it’s probably still too cold at 8:03.

  3. I will not stand at the bedroom door at 7:15 pm and demand that my human go to bed RIGHT NOW just because I need cuddles.

  4. I will try to decrease the amount of yowling I do in general. It only attracts that Rex cat. Yowling is just like begging to have my butt sniffed, which I hate. I will try really hard to remember this.
    Oedipuss Rex, aka Rex, aka Sexy Rexy, aka The Girard Street Rapist:

I resolve to remember that NO MEANS NO, even when…

  1. When trying to sniff Pooh’s butt. Even if she is the cutest little redheaded girl I ever saw.

  2. When trying to get Pooh to romp, play, and/or wrestle. She is, after all, an ancient old lady, despite being the cutest little redheaded girl I ever saw.

  3. When Grandma tries to stop me from smashing her vases.

  4. When Grandma tells me to stop clawing the new furniture.

  5. When C.C. tells me she doesn’t want to play World Feline Wrestling DeathMatch right now.

  6. When Mommy tries to stop me from eating the pointsettia and holly plants.

  7. When biting Mommy’s ear to make her get off that stupid cell phone.

  8. When biting Mommy’s nipple to make her wake up! :eek:
    Cosmic Creepers, aka C.C., aka Cecil, aka Cecilia:

  9. Mommy thinks I should lose weight. Even though I don’t see the need, I’m going to make an effort.

  10. To that end, I will try not to visit the food bowl every five minutes to make sure it’s still there and, oh, while I’m there, just grab a little snack.

  11. I will not yowl for more food when my bowl is already full.

  12. I will not try to give Mommy a bath whenever she is sitting down or otherwise motionless. People take showers and do not need constant licking to stay clean. I will try to remember this. Even if Mommy does smell kinda funny.

  13. I will not pounce on Pooh, no matter how much I hate her for diverting Rex’s affections. I outweigh her by at least 10 pounds, and Grandma says feline hip replacements for geriatric cats aren’t cheap.

23

I will stop sniffing the bipeds coffee and being surprised that the steam is hot.

I will stop poking at the bubbles in the bipeds glass of pop.

While snuggling with the biped on the couch, I will not jump up leaving 16 claw marks on him when he cracks a beer can open.

I will stop grooming my brother (or myself) with loud slurping nosises while lounging on the biped while he is trying to sleep.

I will maybe think about moving from that comfy spot instead of having the biped nudge me aside with the vacuum cleaner.

I will stay off the workbench when he shoos me off. All of the sawdust in my long hair makes me sneeze and takes forever to get rid of.

When the workshop door is closed and it’s stinky we have to stay out no matter how much we cry. The biped get cranky when he has to resand and revarnish because of our hair.

We will keep on meeting him at the door every night when the biped comes home and purr and twine around his legs until he flops on the couch and loves us until WE decide to walk away.

24

Hash:

I do not know how to play chess. My mommy doesn’t need my help checkmating The Big Bald Guy.

I really don’t want to drink from TBBG’s glass…that “bourbon” stuff is nasty.

TBBG really hates it when we help him fold the laundry, so we resolve to do this more often, until he gets used to it. :smiley:

25

I will not stand in the sink, staring at the faucet, expecting it to turn on for me. It will not.

I will not stand in the sink, staring at the faucet and yowling whenever my human enters the kitchen. If she does turn it on for me, at the tiny trickle I want, I will not take three laps and then ignore it.

When my human is preparing a new recipe, I will not help her measure ingredients.

When my human is fixing a meal, I will not sit by her elbow and hook away samples with my paw.

26

Rex, repeat after me:

“When Mommy is trying to type a post on the SDMB, I will not choose that moment to insist on being rocked to sleep in her arms.”

27

I will beleive that humans other than the ones who live here are worthy of respect and I will not hiss, growl or bite them.

At least not often.

28

I will strive to kill all mice I bring into the enclosed patio.

I will try to learn that sometimes I am not on the wrong side of a closed door. I dunno, that seems really preposterous.

I will not walk on the computer keyb-=[/’;.kl,iujvgfrdexzaszwq3cvccxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Well, screw that one.

29

I will not sit in front of the computer monitor’s screen, totally blocking out his WNs view and stop batting at the mouse pointer on the screen.

I will not hide and sit motionless in grocery bags with only a furry paw sticking out.

30

I will not drop things into the toilet that don’t belong there.

I will not attempt to fish things out of the toilet that do belong there.

I will not tip over a glass of water just because it has been left unattended for 30 seconds or more.

I will not climb the screen door and then complain loudly when I get stuck.

31

After using my litter box, I will not jump into my master’s lap, curl up into a tight ball, purr inccessantly, and then fart to my heart’s content.

32

I will not steal pens off my human’s worktable, and race away with them when she yells at me.

I will not steal rubber bands. If I do, I will not eat them. My human is not amused to find rubber band bits encrusted in my droppings when she cleans the litter box.

When I use the litter box, I will cover it when I’m done. Especially when it’s solid.

33

(Note: My daughter, Lisa, is mom to Achilles,so I’m his grandmama. I am Sapphire’s mom. My husband doesn’t have a cat. Poor him.)

Both cats:

We are irresistibly cute, so we will accept being scooped up and held upside down so our moms can look into our faces. Well, for a few minutes, anyway.

We will remember that the living room floor is hardwood, not carpet, and that if we are chasing each other, or simply running very fast, that we should not expect traction on the living room floor. Instead we scramble frantically while we slide sideways, which always makes the humans laugh at us, which we hate.

Our moms do not need a chaperone or supervisor or even company when they go to the bathroom or take a shower. We can survive five or ten minutes without being in their presence. If they go in the bathroom when we’re napping, and we wake up, we do not need to cry piteously at the bathroom door until it’s opened.

We do not need to hork up hairballs in the main traffic path. The humans will find and remove these gifts promptly, without needing to step in them.

We are not allowed to eat rubber bands. This includes hair elastics. This is for our own good, and we will accept that.

The glass of water that the human tom keeps on the table next to his couch is for HIS drinking. He very kindly put another water bowl on the other end of the table for us to drink from. We will quit trying to steal sips from his glass. He has no sense of humor about this.

We will allow Mom/Grandmama to wipe the crusties from our eyes and noses without making a Federal case about it. We are always much more comfortable after she’s cleaned us up.

Achilles:

My mom quit bottle-feeding me four and a half years ago. Perhaps it’s time to stop looking for a bottle. I’m a big boy now, and I don’t need a bottle. Really.

If I pounce on Sapphire, she WILL pounce back. What’s more, she will whup my ass. I must remember this, as it’s embarrassing to be whupped on by a little girl.

Even though I like to pretend I’m invisible and invulnerable when I sit in a box, I’m really not. If I reach out and tap someone, they’re gonna notice me. If it’s Sapphire I’m tapping, she’ll pounce on me, and I’ll end up all embarrassed again.

If I lie flat on my back and wiggle under the tool cart, I will get stuck. Very, very stuck. Then I will have to cry for help, and I will be embarrassed. Again.

I will not demand to sniff every strong-smelling foodstuff that the humans eat, especially since I don’t want to eat any of it. I will particularly not insist on sniffing the pickled jalapeno that the human tom likes to eat. He let me sniff it once, and some juice dribbled into my nose, and I was MOST unhappy for several minutes afterwards. At least that time I was too busy jumping around to be embarrassed.

I am a cute kitty, and my humans like to pet me and cuddle me. I will accept this with more grace in the future. In particular, I will allow Grandmama to pick me up without pinning my ears back and making my legs all stiff.

When my mom picks me up, I will allow her to pet me for a bit before I dissolve my bones and attempt to ooze out of her arms like a giant furry ameoba.

I will not lightly brush my whiskers against an unsuspecting human’s bare legs, no matter how amusing it is when they jump and nearly wet themselves.

Even though I am a skilled hunter, my mom doesn’t appreciate my trophies. She particularly doesn’t appreciate it when I drop a mostly-dead mouse into her lap when she’s reading in bed. I’m allowed to kill all the mice I want to. I’m just not allowed to ask Mom to play fetch with them afterwards.

Sapphire:

I am an inside kitty, by decree of my mother. She has her reasons for this, including the fact that there are several large mean dogs running loose in the neighborhood. I will quit slipping out the door and leading the whole human family on a game of “Catch me if you can!”

In regards to the dogs running around loose in the neighborhood, I will not throw a hissy fit if I see one out the front window. Mom is NOT going to let me outside so I can show it who’s boss around here.

My mom does not control the weather. If a thundercrack wakes me up and scares me, I should not go to her and chew her out. This also applies to hail and gusts of wind.

Mom does control the little heater in her room, though, so I can march up to her and holler if I want it on.

Mom’s husband is HER husband. He is not interested in looking at or otherwise interacting with my butt. I will quit trying to seduce him. Even if it does give Mom the giggles. Anyway, I’m spayed, I should be above such things. (She’s not called the SlutCat for nothing!)

If we have human male guests, they are not interested in my butt either. This goes double for the repairmen. I do not need to attempt to seduce and/or assist the computer repair guy, the AC repair guy, the furnace repair guy…

The bathroom cabinet is off limits because it contains a great number of poisons. I will not find new ways to open it up. I do not need to take inventory.

I also don’t need to inventory the pantry. (She will sometimes look at the pantry cabinet and cry. If I open the doors and lift her up, she’ll go exploring in it.)

The refrigerator doesn’t need to be inventoried, either. Nor the freezer. My mom already gives me quite a few treats, I don’t need to pick them out for myself.

The humans do not wish me to eat from their plates. They will give me a plate of my own, containing cat sized portions of whatever they’re having, if I will just wait a minute. Also, when the humans bring home a box of fried chicken, they WILL tear a piece into shreds and put it on a plate for me. I do not need to dig my own piece out of the box. It’s too hot for me, anyway.

Achilles was here FIRST. I should allow him to eat and drink. This includes letting him eat his own kitty treats. He should also be allowed to play with his milk jug rings without me taking it away from him and whupping his butt just to show him who’s top cat around here.

When Achilles washes my face, and then lowers his head and closes his eyes, it means that he wants his face washed now. I will be polite and wash him just as he washed me.

34

Lucy:
I will cease to drown my human’s hairbands.

I will no longer pick fights with my sister, who outweighs me by a good 5-10 pounds.

I will find better ways to get my human’s attention, that don’t involve peeing on stuff.
Lily (aliases Stupid, Bratty, “Oh you”)
If I demand to go out when it’s raining, I will not come back two minutes later complaining bitterly that no one TOLD me it was raining outside.

I will continue to avoid getting torn up in fights with neighbor cats.

I will possibly lose some weight, maybe.

I will stop eating my sister’s food, since I’m not a senior cat and I don’t need the food like she does.

35

I, Katie Cat, will stop chewing on the Spiderplant in the living room because it upsets my tummy and I throw up half digested Spiderplant leaves around the house. I will also not look surprised when my mom yells at me for chewing on the Spiderplant (because of the half digested leaves in the house.)

I will realize that I am the only cat in the house and that there is no Invisible Alpha Cat that prevents me from eating the food mom puts down.

I will also remember that just because my feet are in the litter box there is a good chance that my butt may not be.

36

Damn, ETF and Lynn, y’all’s cats have got issues! My cat, on the other hand, has no need for resolutions, as she obviously has decided that she is perfect. If she could, on the other paw, she would certainly have some resolutions for me … :slight_smile:

37

If Zoe stops making water on furniture and clothing, she can pretty much do anything else she wants.

Bad Cat! :mad:

38

When my human eats Hershey’s Kisses, I will not leap into her lap at the first crinkle of the wrappers.

I will not thrust my smelly butt in her face as I beg for the wadded-up wrappers.

I will not steal a wadded-up wrapper and later bring it to her for a fetch toy.

I will not leap onto the bed in the wee hours and drop a wadded-up wrapper on her face so she can wake up and toss it for a game of fetch.

If she manages to hide the wadded-up wrapper from me in the wee hours, I will not then fetch my backup toy: the plastic fork.