A friend sent us an email entitled “Dog’s Reminder to Self.” It was quite amusing, and my friend had added a “Cat’s Reminders to Self” section. My husband and I–being cat owners–added some more of our own. What could you add?
TEX’S ADDENDUM
Cat’s Reminder to Self:
My owners are not evil.
While I may be the supreme being on this planet, I mustn’t flaunt it.
Even though potted plants have softer litter than my cat box, they do not have “freshness” crystals.
Humans do not share my enthusiasm on the quality or quantity of the hairballs I launch.
DEATHLLAMA’S AND RUFFIAN’S ADDENDUM:
Biting is not an affectionate gesture to humans.
I will not starve to death if fed 5 minutes later than usual.
Stuff that comes out of my butt [anal gland junk] does not smell good, and should not be licked off of whatever it gets on.
The world is not my scratching post/litterbox.
The vet is not evil. Usually.
Scratching the walls of the litterbox is not an effective way to cover excrement of any kind.
A penis is not a toy. (So we’ve heard.)
I will never catch the gremlins that make the wrinkles in the bed.
Flashlights and laser points cannot be caught. No amount of launching my body into the wall/carpet/furniture/dog will change that fact.
Houseplants are not snack foods.
Having my claws trimmed is not the end of the world, no matter how hard I’ve worked to turn them into fish hooks.
Cats on TV are only on TV and are not a threat to my territory.
A freshly cleaned litterbox should not have a laxative effect.
Snakes have musk glands. No matter how fun it is to bad at the big moving rope, it isn’t worth the odor (and my resulting bath) or the ire it rouses in my owners.
When my owners spend money on fancy cat toys, I am to absolutely love THOSE toys, not my mother’s hair scrunchies/shoelaces.
Fish are in WATER. Fun as it is to chase them, I won’t like what is actually involved in catching them.
My food bowl is not empty until there is absolutely nothing left in it.
Flexible though I may be, I will never fit into the videotape box, nor will my head.
As fond as the parrot seems to be of me, he really doesn’t like it when I play “slap your tail feathers”. Note to self, if he can crack peanuts in the shell, just imagine what he else he can do with that beak.
No matter how hard I suck on the fleece blanket, it will not lactate.
I have my food and the gecko has his. Even though his food (crickets) is fun to chase, I will not like the taste of them.
Just because I woke up with the sun doesn’t mean everyone else did. Pouncing on the bed and bird cage will not win me friends.
Cantaloupe and corn on the cob are for human beings.
It is not polite to wait five seconds after food server #1 or food server #2 sit down to cry to be let out (wait at least seven seconds).
Distruction of screen doors, while fun, does not endear me to food server #1 or food server #2.
Food server #2 will never learn to hunt, no matter how many times I present dead, near-dead or not-even-close-to-dead animals to her (besides the high pitched screams hurt my ears).
24.A. and especially not when the tin-opener-on-legs (human) is wearing new tights.
And on to:
34. I will not try to play the tin-openers-on-legs off each by trying to convince each succesive person coming in from work that I have not been fed and am starving (sad meow and reproachful look that spells "they have all forgotten about little ME, usually worked), because the evil tin-openers somehow find out and put up a diet sheet. Hisss.
When Mommy says “give me a kiss,” don’t start giving her a kiss if I’m really about to sneeze.
Mom and Dad think it is cute when I rub against their legs. It’s not as cute if Dad is trying to walk while carrying a wide screen TV.
I will not eat any non-food item that I don’t want to see coming out of my other end.
A foot is not a mouse.
If I can fit my head under the couch, it does not mean my big butt will fit under the couch. If I am stuck, they will point and laugh before getting me unstuck.
When sitting on laps, do not suddenly leap up to launch an attack against an invisible flying creature. Get off the lap first, or the screams will scare away my prey.
If I roll in poop, they WILL give me a bath. If I roll in poop, they WILL give me a bath. If I roll in poop, they WILL give me a bath.
Those are my ribs! I know you are a petite and delicate cat,:rolleyes: but standing on my ribs hurts! Especially at 3 AM.
Sometimes mommy wants to watch TV. This does not mean she wants to look at your butt. Move it.
The dogs are not here for your entertainment. Stop picking on them, you’re gonna give Rocky a heart attack.
Quit knocking stuff off the dining table. Yes, I know it is piled up with cool stuff (err…crap), but it is my stuff, not yours. You knock it on the floor and one of the dogs is going to find it and chew it up. Leave it alone!
I will NOT chew on electrical cords-it makes my humans yell at me-especially when I chew through the human teenager’s speaker cord and it has to be taken apart and repair-and I could start a fire/get electricuted. I know I am teething, but there are other things to chew on that are not dangerous.
My sister is LIVID and we HAVE to find away to stop her. My dad’s afraid of what will happen with the Xmas tree lights this year! She CHEWED THROUGH THE DAMN CORD!!! A thin one, but the little shit chewed straight through it!
I will not bat my kibble out of the dish piece by piece and play with it, so that it goes all over the table and onto the floor. My humans do not like having to lift up place mats to find it, and my big sister doggy shouldn’t eat cat food.
I will not eat my doggy sister’s food. It is for Lassie, and she will bite me if I try to while she is eating.
I will not sleep on the bottom step-I am an orange kitty and I blend in with the carpet. Thus, my humans will step on me when they come downstairs.
I will not pounce on my humans’ legs when they are sleeping-my claws hurt and they don’t like that.
From Gypsy:
I will not squeal like a hyena on fire when my humans pick me up. They do not put drops in my eye every time they do so. And even when they do, I will not squirm and shut my eyes so they can’t do it. They are doing this so my eye will feel better-not to torture me.
When Buffy and I wrestle, we will not do so on the stairs. We could fall down and get hurt.
I will stop squirming under the hutch in the bathroom-Mommy says I will get stuck.
From Misty:
I will not cry for attention and then run away to hide behind the couch when someone goes to pet me. That’s not funny, and I am no longer a kitten.
I will not rub my ears so hard I scratch myself and bleed. Ma Ma is cleaning my ears and putting medicine in them-I will stop trying to rub it out.
From Noel:
I will not wake Ma Ma and Daddy up at four am. If they don’t get up when the alarm goes off, that means they want to sleep longer. I can go to use my litter box by myself-I’m a big girl.
I will not run out of the room when someone makes a loud noise-that makes me a hypocrite, because I have been known to make a lot of noise myself.
70: I will not sneak in to the Shortest Human’s room and hide in his closet, then climb into SH’s bed after he’s gone to sleep. It scares SH, and makes the Food People mad.
71: I will not sleep right in front of the bathroom door at night. I am all black. The Food People can’t see me in the middle of the night.
72: I will not climb on the Food Man’s recording equipment. The Food Lady doesn’t make me airborne when I honk her off, but Food Man has no such qualms, and the basement walls are made of cement.
73: I will not leave dead birds on the porch. Food Lady is the first one out of the house in the morning, and she doesn’t do mornings well. She rarely looks where she’s putting her feet. And although she pets me & tells me (rightly) that I’m a good kitty when I share my conquests, she’s never done so after scraping said conquest off the bottom of her shoe.
I swear I was thinking of starting a similar thread recently, inspired by The Bad Kitty List (Warning, 7 pages long, plus a variety of other animals to read about)
One of my favorites from that list: I will not sniff at my male human’s feet after he takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare odors. My female human might find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it, especially in front of company.
Moody’s contribution:
I must remember not to run into the room or closet just because the door is actually open, even though I have to make sure that everything is just the way it was last time. Mom might not know I’m in there and shut me in. Then Shilla doesn’t have anyone to play with. (But oddly enough she has never gone to the bathroom in a closet! Even though she has been shut in for hours)
Shilla’s contribution:
Mom’s sneezing does not mean she is about to kill me, so there is no reason to exit her lap so fast that I bounce against the wall that is right beside Mom and has been there for at least a year.
Find new site for 6:15 am, 7:45 and 10:30 pm nap other than the place the human female calls a “computer desk”. She does not like it when I stretch out on the thing called a “keyboard”. (SIDENOTE: This does not affect the 11:30 am, 2:00 pm and 4:30 pm naps - continue as usual.
Cushioned toilet seat is very slippery. Dig nails in harder when getting a drink: this will prevent accidentally falling in…again.
Find more boxes to sit in. This amuses the human female when she does not look happy. This also gets ME more kitty treats.
Continue exploring ways of how to open jar of capnip. Last attempt nearly succeeded until human female intervened.
Find the most unlikely object in house to chase. See #76 for reasons. (NOTE: the soda bottle lid worked REALLY well until it hit the wall and bounced into MY face.
Tell human female to have human male bring more sweaty work shirts. Lots of fun to curl up in and provides some amusement to both male and female.
Do not curl up in pile of folded and warm work shirts. The fun odor is gone and human male does not like ME to be there.
Leave another lizard in human male’s shoes. He provides lots of amusement for ME.
Human female does not like being groomed in the morning. Try nibbling to remind her MY food bowl is empty.
Nix the toes idea. Didn’t work.
Show affection to human female once in awhile. It makes her appreciate ME all the more. But do not spoil her, or she will expect affection all the time.
Practice new yoga positions for evening naps. Odd contortions amuse human female and get ME an extra scratch behind the ears.
Practice sudden dashes while human female is in small room standing under the moving water. She cannot chase ME while she is otherwise occupied.
Having the dog chase you through the small kitty-hole in the screen door is not a good idea - he’s a lot bigger than you.
You do not have to remind the cousin’s Golden that you are it’s master EVERY time it visits - it’s scared enough as it is.
The chocolate bars for the school chocolate drive are NOT for you.
Do not crawl in under the bathtub and start to meow when someone is taking a bath - no treats come from that!
Do not allow the dog to chase you under the christmas tree - he doesn’t fit.
4am is NOT a good time to present the owners with the rabbit you caught, or to eat half of it and leave it there. They have to clean it before the dogs get to it, and you don’t get any treats for your trouble.
Do not push the food dish around the counter because you want to shake it up and get to the pieces underneath - you usually knock it on the floor.
Launching yourself repeatedly at the aquarium will get you a sore nose, but no fish.