Oh yeah…Hi Monster! 
Notes from Benvolio and Gomez:
Humans do not find it funny when you sink one claw into a dangling foot. Especially at 4 in the morning.
Mommy sometimes likes to read books. These books are not for rubbing on, clawing at, or getting right in front of when Mommy is reading.
The window in front of the computer is not a safe napping place. We live on the second floor, and the screen is not all that sound.
Jumping into computer boxes may be fun, but not at 4 in the morning when Mommy is sleeping.
Do not attempt to nap in the bathtub in the morning. Mommy takes showers then, and will cut on the water without looking for us. (On a side note, how do I manage to do this when the fat cat weighs in at 22 pounds? How do you miss a 22 pound tabby cat in a white bathtub?)
Mommy cleans our litter box every day. No matter how funny it is, we should not immediately go fill it up.
We are not to climb up the screen door just because a pigeon or dove is sitting on the stair railing outside.
We will not crawl into Uncle Pat’s armpit when he comes home from work. It makes us smell funny.
From Tiki, elder sister:
It appears the smaller, smelly, annoying thing is staying. Bite him on his foot for this fact.
When one feels especially upset with one’s mom due to the introduction of a smaller, annoying thing, vomiting in the bed or laundry basket filled with clean landry is usually a great way to get attention.
The litterbox with the hood is really a Dark and Scarey Place and I should avoid using it at ** any ** cost.
New people in the apartment!!! Run away!!! Wait, first check to make sure they didn’t bring any cat nip for ME, ** TIKI **
I am a Siamese. This makes me more elegant naked than most humans dressed. To illustrate my point, I will clean my paws and then look at them with disdain.
From Chang, little brother:
Hoo-boy! Does that big white cat get angry when I chase her, and then she growls, and then walks away, and then I chase her, and then she hisses and walks away, and then I chase her, and then she hisses and growls and makes all kind of funny sounds, and then mommy yells at me. I should try that tomorrow.
Try to remember where I put my chicken doll. It is good for attacking and carrying around the apartment. I usually get an extra hug out of it.
Lying on Mom’s face is a good way to say “I Love You.”
The Small White Room Full of Human Food (ie: refridgerator) is a great place to poke my head whenever possible. It is not, however, too much fun to be accidently shut in.
Sitting on the food drum and crying piteously is a good way to get mom’s attention. However, it poses a problem in that mom can’t get INTO the food drum if I’m on top of it.
Swishing my beautiful, squirrel-like tail in the face of the Big White Cat will usually get it bitten.
Items 10 and 17 are physical laws of the universe. We cannot change them, despite our best efforts.
Additional notes from Squeaky:
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(Corollary to note 11) Although I am the One of Most Needle-like Claws, He does not want piercings in His scrotum!
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Although I am the One of Fastest Paws, attacking the mysterious burrowing creature under the satin sheets may result in me flying across the room. Lemma: this does not hold true for the unknown tunnel entity under the comforter.
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I am the One of Musical Meow, when He speaks, squeak at Him. He will speak again, squeak at Him again. Repeat. (Side note: find out what this “philosophy” of which he speaks is. I will then be able to be the One Who Squeaks Omnisciently).
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Although I am the One Who Likes the Ground, He will not harm me if He picks me up.
Additional notes from Mr. Smith:
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Although I am the One With the Most Fragrant Tail, He does not like it up His nose.
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Although I am the One of Extra Toes, He seems to be able to type better than I–I should practice typing when He is not attempting to type.
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I am the One With Awesome climbing prowess, I must continue to greet Him by climbing up His leg. Corollary: this only holds true when He wears denim; do not try this when he looks dressy or is without his fake skin.
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I am the One of White Belly and Black Back, if it is Black, I must lie on my belly and shed on it, and if it is white, I must lie on my back and shed on it.
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Although I am the One Who Makes Large Things Small, shredding the paper in books and magazines incites His Wrath.
Additional notes from Einstein:
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I am the One With the Most Sensitive Ears, I should not attack the wire connected to the thing on his head–it results in very loud noise coming from the Boxes of Sound, that is, unless I attack the wires attached to the Boxes of Sound first…
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I am the One of Keenest Sight, do not look at the bright glare from the disk on His wrist, look instead at the wall for Disk of Light and attack it.
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I am the One with the Most Inquisitive Mind, I must bat at the pointy thing on the screen when it moves.
Additional notes from Nefertiti: -
Although I am the One of Regal Gut, in some cultures being fat isn’t a sign of royalty, I must exercise.
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I am the One With the Most Beautiful Belly, I must continue to display this for all to see.
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I am the One of Profound Indecision, I must beg to go outside and then stand motionless by the door.
Additional notes, a collaborative effort:
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We are the Ones of Acrobatic Delight, despite this, rapidly chasing the Feathers of Flight in circles makes Us dizzy.
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We are the Ones of Pristine Hearing, We must flee whenever the Loud Machine That Makes Our Dastardly Work Disappear appears, and hide for hours.
113 Although they taste good, I should not eat toenails or contact-lenses.
From Cloud:
114: I will not claim any spot my human spends a lot of time in as my own. For example, if she is spending a lot of time sitting on a small chair near the TV because she’s playing video games, that does not mean the moment she gets up, for any reason, that the chair is mine, because she will shortly return from the bathroom and kick me out of it, no matter how cute I look.
115: I will not try to sit on my human’s lap when she is embroidering. Enough of my hair gets into all her projects that I don’t need to take the extra precaution of climbing all over them.
116: I will not assist when the bed is being made or my human will throw me out of the room headfirst.
And from the cat we had from when I was a baby until I was seven, Sebastian:
117: The male human’s armpit is not a good place to spray.
118 I should not attack the postman, even though I think I’m a dog.
54a. If however I do decide that I must knock things off, specifically pens and pencils, I should not then pick them up and carry them under the couch as the human may need those to take messages.
EXTREMELY IMPORTANT
- Taking blind leaps over chairs is never a good idea as the human may have moved the table.
- No matter how cool the view is, it is NEVER a good idea to leap out on the window and walk along the ledge as this is 14 stories up and scares the living daylights out of the human.
Minutia
121. When the human is stumbling around in the dark it is not a good idea to run between his legs, even though I may be late for my midnight sit in the living room.
122. 10 minutes of skritches is quite enough, everything in moderation.
123. The mean birds who sit on the balcony rail and tease me are quite beyond my reach, it is in my best interest to simply ignore them, anything else just makes me look silly.
124. I shall not eat puzzle pieces.
Batman’s notes
- I am a cat. I am not expected to lick people, run up to greet them on their return home, or eat anything but the finest quality food I can get.
- Bread, pancakes, potatoes, ice-cubes, red-rope liqourice and correction fluid are not traditional cat food.
- I am not expected to get on better with dogs than I do with humans, or other cats. I. Am. A. Cat. Repeat until convinced.
More from Lil Spike
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Sometimes Mommy puts her hair in a ponytail. Ponytails are NOT cat toys.
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Neither is mommy’s bra.
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The gecko enjoys having staring contests with me but does not want me in his cage.
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Stepping in the ashtray is not a good idea.
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Just because I am named after a professional wrestler does not mean I have death matches with the Beanie Baby. He will not fight back no matter how much I taunt him.
- The humans do not like when I leave mangled tomatoes on the floor for them to step on.
- Pulling food from the human’s mouth is not a good way to get fed.
- Walking on the laptop’s keyboard while the human is staring intently at it will not break the empty stare. She will not pet me, rather, she will pick me up and throw me on the couch.
- Playing the feline favorite game, “Paw at something on the table until it falls and then look around wondering who did it” is not amusing to the humans when they require the use of those items.
Saffron’s contribution:
- I will not jump onto my owner’s bed at night and scratch at the blankets until she lets me under them.
- I will not venture into the bathroom and toss the sanitary pads my owner uses [not used, thank gods!] around the house, especially when there are visitors.
- I will not pee on the bathroom floor immediately after being given a flea bath.
- I will not run around the house like a psycho after pooping in the kitty litter box.
- I will not hide behind the bathroom door and attack my owners when they emerge from the toilet.
Rosie’s contribution:
- I will not growl, swipe, bite or scratch my owners when they are just trying to be nice.
- I will NOT sleep on my owner’s freshly cleaned dark school uniform, leaving bunches of cat hair on it. [Rosie always does this, it’s extremely annoying]
- I will stop bringing lizards into the house and leaving them in the study, still alive.