- If one bathes, all must bathe.
- When something occupies the human’s lap, settle on top of it, the human is obviously unsatisfied with the company of only the flat beepy-thing.
- Do not come when called.
- Inconspicuous places are always the most comfortable to sleep in.
- In addition, sleeping in areas of heavy foot traffic will garner you extra affection.
- Intermittantly run banshee-like through the house. Stop. Bathe. Repeat.
- Squishy human parts can be made more suitable for sleeping with an intensive clawing session.
- Other sleep-suitable human parts: chest, face, arms; anything mobile that has a high probability of needing to be used.
- Adequate sleep is of the utmost importance.
- A fun game to play with your human: “How did that get down there?” First, locate an object, (double points if it is breakable) on a high surface such as a table or countertop. Settle next to it. Slowly inch it off the surface until it has fallen to the floor. Peer over the edge in amazement.
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Walk around forlornly until one of your Humans retrieves the mouse you batted under the couch, two minutes ago. Repeat ad nauseum.
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Birds, rodents and other yummy morsels must be talked to when observed from the safety of a closed window.
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The order of the morning MUST be: food first, then shower, then the sock drawer. Deviation of this routine will not be tolerated.
- If your humans are still sleeping, and the food dish is empty, standing in the hallway and crying like someone just killed your best friend is the best way to get fed.
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After making stinky in the litter box, run around like hell. Don’t want that stink to follow you around, do you?
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If you ever do something decidedly uncool (run into a doorjam, fall off furniture, etc.), the best way to cover up your shame and keep your cool is to immediately stop, sit, and lick something.
10b. The fact that the centerpiece, placemats, and candles are all on the floor will not clue your humans into the fact that you have sprawled out on the dining room table for naptime. Again.
If another cat occupies prime napping real estate, you can not go there, unless there is a way to pretend you didn’t see that other cat. A blanket in the way is sufficient.
There are ways to break up the claims of those places. If one cat is on a lap on the couch, another cat can, and often will, claim the back of the couch by the human’s head. The prime catnapping place in our house, the lazyboy, can in this manner be claimed by all three cats. Lap, footrest, and back of chair. Level makes a difference in desireability.
- Learn your monkey’s bathroom habits. If there are indications that it needs to get up and go there, this is the best time to curl up in its lap for a good long sleep.
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4:00 AM is the ideal time to run through the house, screaming and chasing the other cats. if they do not want to be chased, or tire easily, then return to the people’s bed and commemce playing with them. Preferably by landing on their hand and pretending it is a bird you’re killing.
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Your people sleep under blankets. They do this so that you can stalk and attack their toes while they sleep. Oblige them.
- And always remember, it’s not about rules. Kitty cats don’t care about no stinkin rules. It’s about dignity.
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Your human will frequently refer to you as “my cat.” While this is obviously incorrect, do not attempt to brainwash tem otherwise. Just keep at the top of your mid the fact that you are the owner of record. They belong to you.
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When the phone rings, that is a signal that you must stop whatever you are doing, run to your human, and settle on their lap and hands immediately. Failure to perform this essential task will be grounds for severe…OOOO! A cat toy! Let’s play!
And my apologies for the misspellings - my feline sapiens has settled on my keyboard making it very hard to typ accuratly.
Corollary to this rule is that if the monkey manages to escape into the bathroom, this is the optimum time to go drop off a load into the catbox because a captive olfactory audience is central to the ultimate appreciation of one’s own efforts.
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Any small piece of paper laying on the floor transforms that section of floor into THE most desirable spot on which to sleep. A book or laptop occupying a human lap has a similar effect.
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All humans vastly prefer to have cat buttocks thrust into their faces as they pet the cat. Bonus points if the cat can tickle the human’s nose with its tail in addition to showing off that chocolate starfish.
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The other cat has better food in his bowl, regardless of the fact that they were filled from the same can.
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It is always preferable to make a human open the door rather than go out through the cat flap in said door.
- weekends, schmeekends. It is appropriate to demand breakfast at 6am every day.
- Those expensive ‘toys’ your monkey buys from the store are not worthy of your attention. The best toys are balled-up bits of paper and the plastic rings from milk jugs.
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Kill it!
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If it is green, it is grass, and therefore edible.
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Nothing bothers your human more than hearing you bark after learning how from the dog next door. It pains him that you are more bilingual than he is.
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A properly hawded-up hairball is its own reward. Listening to him cuss when he steps on it barefoot in the middle of the night is just a bonus.
3b. Occasionally come when the other cat is called, just to keep your people guessing.
Sunrise is the perfect time to take you favorite toy and run all over the bed in a spastic fit trying to kill it. They love it when you ‘accidentally’ rake a claw against an inadequately protected arm in the process!
- When your human has just cleaned the litterbox is the best time to use it. Preferably before he/she is out of the room.
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Note well the time your human rises in the morning. Then tear ass across the bedroom with the other two cats exactly an hour before that.
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When your human does finally arise, immediately settle into the warm place in the bed they previously occupied.
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Humans like to be awoken each morning by sharp claw pricks to the face.
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Your humans always want help eating their food. Try and grab some off of their plate to help them.
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Cry at closed doors until they let you in. Then wait five minutes and cry to be let out.