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Your human may open the blinds in a window so that you can sit on the sill and watch the outside, but you will not be satisfied until the blinds on the adjacent window are also open.
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When stalking bed mice or other prey, it is vital to stop, turn around for a moment, and groom yourself in an attempt to fool the prey into thinking you have lost interest. Only then should you attack.
Cats, be proud of your heritage. You helped humans become what they are today.
- NEVER, ever by even the remotest chance, allow your human to realize the full extent of your stupendous kitty IQ. When being swatted for making lunch out of the rare orchid that has bloomed for the first time in years, immediately repeat the act at the earliest opportunity. When thrust out of the way due to hamperi… HELPING with any activity, display your superior knowledge by assisting even more. NEVER allow your human to train you to do ANYTHING. Revealing the fact that you have a well hidden Einsteinian IQ will only result in your human expecting you to do something that you will never feel like doing (even if you are hungry).
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Humans can suffer eyestrain from reading or watching TV too long, so be sure and walk all over whatever they are trying to read, especially newspapers and books. Lie down on them if necessary. TVs on the other hand must be walked in front of, stopping in midcourse to admire the look on your human’s face.
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Chess games are similar to books. Humans need to be reminded that there is not anything quite so fascinating as you, so you must be prepared to sit down on the board to remind them.
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Knitting-or “making bisquets”
Knitting should always be done with the claws fully extended. Extra points are awarded for knitting on cashmere or silk. The item to be knit on should always be the most expensive item in your humans wardrobe. NEVER knit on old t-shirts, gardening clothes etc. -
Washing of Private Parts
One should always wash the nether regions in full view of the humans. If the humans have company visiting, the best place for a good wash is the middle of the livingroom floor.
- Laundry
Your human leaves baskets of warm, soft clothing in the living room. They are for you to sleep in. It really pleases the female human when the dark-furred among you sleep in the “whites.”
- Naps
Your human fell asleep in front of the TV not because she was tired, but because you weren’t amusing her. Fix this by running as fast as you can across her prone body with your claws extended. Those are shrieks of delight you hear.
makes notes on piece of paper
i can’t believe no one’s consulted the Resident Cat[sup]TM[/sup] here! you guys have covered the bases pretty well [sub]for humans[/sub], but you’ve forgotten the very very importantest thing: FOOD!
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FOOD
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat.
Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food.
Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death
and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some
guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in
their dishes when they are not looking.
b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human’s glass is full enough to
drink from.
d) The best times to inform humans of your dish’s emptiness are when they are
unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet. If
you insist on waking a human at what it considers a “ridiculously early
hour” for breakfast, be warned that the human may be as likely to throw you
outside or in the basement as to feed you.
e) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt
to get to know it. Be insistent–your food will usually not be so polite
and try to leave. If you can’t be bothered to eat the food you’ve just
caught, be considerate and don’t waste it; it makes a perfect gift for
humans! Carefully pick it up and carry it to the human’s house and, if the
door is closed, leave it on the doorstep. If the door is open, or there is
a cat-flap, take it inside and leave it somewhere highly visible. The gift
will be even more welcome if it is still alive! Live birds and mice make
the best gifts as humans love a good game of chase just as much as you do,
although be careful not to help them; it’s their gift after all.
f) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately
unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg
outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several
techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don’t forget you exist. These
include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the “softest” human
and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and
the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people’s legs as they sit
and eat while meowing plaintively.
g) Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both cats and humans. Whenever a
human sets a cup of coffee on the floor within your reach, s/he is showing
you great respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until cool
(you may even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature is just right)
and then daintily drink it.
h) Occasionally there will be disagreements over what you and the humans will
deem as edible. The appropriate action, should the stuff in question be too
repulsive to ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor and try to drag
over objects to cover the offending item. This informs the ignorant human
that it really belongs in the litter box.
and the second most importantest thing: CATNIP!!!
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Most cats think that this strange-looking plant is Food of the Gods and
better even than tuna. There are some, however, who are sadly deprived of the
ability to enjoy this wonderful treat and will look upon the others with a
mixture of confusion and disgust at the utter lack of Dignity of those
partaking. If you are one of the latter, please skip to the next section.Catnip is available in two forms–in the wild as an odd-looking plant that
grows in delightfully fragrant, though often rather flattened, patches, and
from the humans in a concentrated dried form. Unfortunately, the humans know
of our weakness for catnip and will try to hold it out from us, often employing
some very ingenious methods to do so. If the humans are careless enough to
leave any catnip within reach, it is imperative to get it no matter what you
have to tear apart to do so. Otherwise the humans will use it to attempt to
coerce us to do things which would otherwise be beneath us.The greatest hazard of catnip is that it causes those cats under its
influence to utterly lose their Dignity. They roll around foolishly, purr at
maximum volume, tear around the house at top speed, and do other things no sane
cat would be caught doing. Do attempt to control yourself, especially if your
humans have a “video camera” and are prone to using it.
disclaimer: i got those at This site, which is part of This site. useful site, really: taught me the proper way to do everything i do
Another thing about FOOD.
Make sure you drag it all over the floor, so you know your slave has to clean. Nothing’s more amusing than running outside in the mud and running in again on a freshly cleaned floor.
Also; Contactlenses and toenails aren’t half bad.
I know it’s not “en vogue” to say this on these message-boards, but I was LMAO. 
- As it is important to maintain the proper feline Feng Shui throughout your house, make the effort to, at random times, bolt like crazy up or down the stairs and through various rooms. Then stop suddenly and lick your sides. Your slaves don’t realize it, but doing so keeps the cosmic balance of your environment in harmony with the stars.
Once this is achieved, you can go back to doing whatever it was you were doing, like crouching under the dining room table staring at nothing.
- Crouching and staring at nothing. You probably already know that there are things out there that only cats can see. Humans obviously can’t see them, or they’d be crouching and staring too. Above all else, don’t lose sight of the thing that is just to the left of any human. They’re the ones you really have to watch.