Rules of the cat

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

You like a tailtip up your butthole? Well, to each his own. :smiley:

22

My cat is boring compared to some of yours.

23

Bernestine’s Rules of the House:

  • When I say it’s feeding time, it’s feeding time. If you do not move fast enough to satisfy me, I will MEOWMEOWMEOW in your ear, paw at your boobs, sit on your book and (if necessary) paw at your face until you understand that my needs are not being met in an efficient manner.
  • When you are done in the shower I expect you to move out of the way rapidly. The shower water must be served very fresh, you know. If you do not hop out of the show in a timely fashion I will express my annoyance by hopping up on the sink and stare at you while you dry off and get dressed. If that makes you uncomfortable, maybe you should move your ass faster.
  • If I choose to assist you with your work, you should really thank me with a kitty treat. I’m pretty sure I do hit all of the correct buttons when I walk across the keyboard. What, LMMMMMKIKMKLM L:KJMNJJJJJJJMMMMMMMMMM seems perfectly clear to me!
  • Your bread is my bread. Why don’t you just leave it on the floor for me, as hopping on to the counter is difficult in my advanced years. Ditto pizza. And ice cream. And mashed potatoes.
  • You must pay attention to my needs at all times. Again, I’m your elder. There will be no “potty breaks” for you. If you even think of leaving me alone, I will follow you and then sniff your undies and lick your toes.

Cleopatra’s Rules of the House:

  • Yeah, I barf. No, I do not like barfing in the same spot. It’s a game, you see. I enjoy watching you leave your bedroom all blurry eyed and WHOOPS! Good job! You found it! One point for you!
  • I will eat from both bowls if I please. Do not order me back to my “healthy” food. It’s nasty. I want her food, and I will have it.
  • Cleo is a queen, right? Queens do NOT play. We (yes, the royal “we”) prefer to lounge in the middle of the doorways, on your pillows, and if We so choose, on you. Do not try to tempt me by those mouse-like toys. They do not amuse. If you feel We must exercise, you may attempt to entertain Us with a laser light. It must be red, of course. Our coloring doesn’t work with green.
  • As noted above, I shall lounge wherever I choose. That does include on your head while you are sleeping. Since I do not meow (that OTHER cat does enough of that), if I need you to move I shall nip at and drool into your ear. If you do not like it, you can move to the other side of the bed.
  • If at any other time I desire your attention I will just stare at you. You know you can feel my eyes boring into your head. When you finally get around to looking at me and asking “What???”, I will ignore you until you understand that I must always have your undivided attention.
24

The Scrabble board is an excellent place to lie down upon during the game.

25

maggie’s house rules:

the yucca plants exist solely for my climbing pleasure. well, they ARE over eight tall, y’know!

the furniture exists solely for my claw-sharpening pleasure. scratching post what?

the tub exists solely for: (1) my drinking pleasure. there is no other water in the house available if mom is in the tub, and (2) my pleasure in scaring the bejabbers out of mom by pouncing on the shower curtain when she least expects it. a bonus occurs if i can get her to drop her wineglass in the water.

a human lap and/or chest and/or pile of fresh, warm laundry exists solely for my snuggling/sleeping pleasure. no movement is allowed or tolerated.

as already mentioned, changing the bed linen is an exercise designed solely for my tunneling pleasure. everything placed on the bed must be carefully supervised, including a close inspection of the new pillow cases.
turk’s house rules:

the bigger the hairball, the bigger the love, baby.

26

Humans aren’t allowed to get a good night’s sleep. They should stay home and catnap all day. It’s unreasonable to expect eight full hours of downtime when there are cats to be adored.

27

I am incredibly clean, even though there’s cat-spit all over my fur. I may enjoy being touched by a human, but I will have to remove the human-slime afterward, replacing it with (what else?) lovely cat spit.

28

Not quite. If it begins with “B”, it should contain a cat (with one important exception).

Things that should contain a cat:
boxes
baskets
[Cat] beds (multiple)
bags
bowls
[Rubbish] bins
bureaus

Things that should not contain a cat:
Black bears

29

All confirming my earlier (borrowed) rule: If I fits in it, I sits in it. :smiley:

30

Recession? What recession?

The amount of money you save buying cheaper catfood is directly proportional to the amount of gasseous effluence you get from your kitty. (Thank goodness it’s summer & the windows are open).

Love, Phil

31

In this thread I posted a link to a video showing how cats can cost you money.

32

Facial expressions of the adult cat shall be limited to scandalized, smug, or sleepy. Kittens are permitted to add “vulnerable” to the list until they reach full growth.

33

Glark … glark … glark … hack

Oh, were you going to sleep there?

34

In every group of humans, there is one that detests cats. That is only because they never met you. If you show them enough affection, you will turn them into a devout feline lover.

35

Is that a pencil??? It does not belong on the table or desk. It belongs under the throw rug. It needs to be KILLED.

36

You know, I think that this has disturbing implications for quantum mechanics…

37

When kitty is on her back in the kitty basket, do not attempt a frontal pettin’s assault or defensive armament will engage.

38

Thrak’s house rules:

Your computer will run faster if you disconnect these cables, let me help.

The best time and place to wrestle the dog is 0500 on your pillow.

A computer mouse is the perfect place to rest my harbls.

39

I ate that yesterday; why would you even consider offering it to me again today? You know I do not eat the same thing two days in a row!

40

Chango agrees that boxes are for resting. He truly believes he can fit inside a cigarette carton if he holds his tongue right. And the mail is brought into the house for his exclusive amusement–ocd flipping envelopes & magazines.