Cat Laws

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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  1. THE LAW OF FELINE EXPANSION

Any given cat will, when at rest, expand in such a way as to take up the maximum possible space, to the exclusion of non-cat objects. The shape, size, and mass of the cat are not necessarily relevant to this equation.

NOTES: Anyone who’s ever shared a bed with one or more cats is fully aware of this one. If I were in a bed with a huge rumbling monster twenty times my size, I sure wouldn’t make a point of spreading out and trying to contest ownership of any given point on the bed… but cats do exactly that.

The best example I can give you would be of Dr. Faustus and Chaos, two cats I had once. They would routinely curl up together and go to sleep in the middle of my large square coffee table (actually a Japanese dining table). Now, normally, there were other objects on this table, as well – ashtrays, magazines, my wallet and keys, a beverage, perhaps.

When those two dozed off in the exact middle of the table, watch out. Rescue the beverage, and collect your keys, bucko. I sat and watched them one afternoon, and wished I had a movie camera… because a time-lapse photo sequence would have shown the two of them slowly oozing away from each other in a slow spiral… carefully nudging objects away from the center of the table… outward, circular, spiraling… one by one, objects running out of room, falling off the table…

…finally culminating in two cats, still fast asleep… on opposite corners of a completely empty table, which is now surrounded by debris that was formerly ON the table. Of such tales is the Law Of Feline Expansion born.

  1. THE LAW OF FOCUS

Any domestic cat will, in the presence of humans, arrange itself and its environment so as to be the central focus of all cat and non-cat attention.

Yup. Try reading a newspaper in the same room with a non-sleeping cat, and you’ll see what I mean. Or, for that matter, read a book. Then get up, put the book down, and go get a glass of water or something. When you return, the cat WILL be sitting ON the book. And any Doper with cats will know about the ever-popular Keyboard Kitty Dance…

Any other Cat Laws anyone would care to contribute?

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  1. THE LAW OF DOOR UNCERTAINTY

*Any given cat will, at any given time, wish to simultaneously be on both sides of a closed door. *

A cat owner knows full well that a cat will want to be on the other side of a closed door. Open the door, let the cat through, and soon enough the cat will wish to be on this side of the door. Repeat until annoyed.

  1. THE LAW OF FELINE ATTRACTION

Cats are naturally drawn to those who dislike or fear cats

The inverse feline attraction law holds that cats will shun those who really like cats, in preference to those who don’t.

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THE BED SHARING LAW (a corollary to the LAW OF FELINE EXPANSION:

Any cat sleeping in bed with you will invariably position itself in the place least conducive to your changing position, usually right between your legs. This makes it impossible to roll over without disturbing the cat. And the pussy-whipped owner will, invariably, undergo excruciating contortions when he or she wishes to shift position so as not to disturb said feline. Owners do this to avoid the Wounded Feline Dignity Glare ™ they are likely to receive if they make the cat move out of the way.

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  1. THE LAW OF SELECTIVE AURAL RECEPTION

Cats will select what they hear and cannot hear

Cats will selectively shut down auditory senses to the extreme point of ceasing normally involuntary ear muscle reflexes. This is especially true if you are trying to get the cat to come to you by calling its name.

  1. THE THEORY OF SPONTANEOUS RELOCATION

Any given cat will, at any time, decide that it must spontaniously and instantaneously vacate the current space that it occupies and relocate to another space

Cats will randomly choose times at which it is deemed that the current locale is unfavorable (reasons and patterns are uncertain and cannot be duplicated in a laboratory). This leads to the cat suddenly stopping as it is walking by, looking at you, and then running down the hall at full speed. Destination locations appear to be random as well.

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  1. THE LAW OF FELINE MAGNETISM

In a household with multiple cats, all cats must reside in the same area at any given time

No matter how large or small the domicile, all cats will be in the same room in a five foot radius of one another. This is true especially if the cats do not get along.

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THE LAW OF IMMEDIATE RELIEF

Cat will ignore the sandbox for hours, until the very moment it comes time that you are scooping/cleaning it. Then she will hop in and out of said sandbox, cry, pace, do her pee-pee dance making you rush so as to make sure she doesn’t just relieve herself on the carpet.

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Absolutely fraggin’ brilliant.

I knew I could count on you all…

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THE LAW OF FOCUS, FLORA COROLLARY

Any cat will attempt to postion itself in a precarious position in interior domestic flora and re-arrange its environment

Cats will wait until the wee hours of the morning to climb the Christmas tree and knock ornaments and / or the whole tree down.
THE LAW OF NOCTURNAL REGURGITATION

Any feline will ensure nocturnal regurgitation will be strategially placed so that it may be noticed by the human’s tactile senses and, therefore, cleaned.

Cats will vomit hairballs in very obvious locations during the daylight hours. Nightime regurgitations will be strategically placed so that humans will encounter it with their foot at 2 am by stepping on it and squishing it between their toes. Preferably while it is still warm. This will lead to immediate removal of the regurgitation / hairball, so that the cat does not have to worry about celaning it up.

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THE LAW OF FUR/TEXTILE COLOR OPPOSITION

Cats will gravitate toward those humans clad in clothing of a color that is as far as possible from the color of the cat in question. For example, black cats will be attracted by white clothing, and white cats by black clothing. If the available humans resort to wearing garments that closely match the cat’s fur color, the cat will seek furniture of an appropriately opposite color.

THE LAW OF TELEPATHIC ATTRACTION

If there are 1,000 objects in a given room that you do not care if the cat touches/licks/walks on/plays with and one object that you do have such concerns about, the cat will immediately and unerringly be drawn to that one object. This is true even if you have not ever touched or otherwise shown interest in the object in the cat’s presence.

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THE LAW OF FELINE INDUCED ENTROPY

*Any cat located near a moveable object on top of table or other platform will immediately take steps to ensure said object’s conversion from potential to kinetic energy. I this way cats contribute to the heat death of the Univierse *

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4A. THE LAW OF FELINE ATTRACTION, ALLERGY COROLLARY

Cats are naturally drawn to those who suffer from the worst feline dander allergies. The speed by which they approach the subject is in inverse proportion to the amount of allergy medication the subject has either digested or has on him or her.

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Cats must not engage in special adoration techniques until a sleeping human simply must get out of bed at risk of job loss.

All felines are required to wait until the human has hit the snooze button for the umpteenth time and is running late. Approach thusly: wide-eyed, mewing and purring like that cartoon where the kitten adopts the bulldog and almost gets baked into a cookie. Pull out all the stops - flipping, flopping, kneading, head-butts, and other irresistible posturing are mandatory. It is illegal to behave in this manner when humans are lounging in bed on the weekends.

Cats reserve the right to inspect any and all packages and luggage. Naps in said packages and luggage are highly encouraged.

Cats must insure they will be remembered while humans are on vacation. Unpacking their luggage to discover it’s been used as a cat bed since their last vacation will accomplish this nicely.

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Oops, forgot to name them!

SUSPENSION OF TIME THROUGH ANTICS
Cats must not engage in special adoration techniques until a sleeping human simply must get out of bed at risk of job loss.

All felines are required to wait until the human has hit the snooze button for the umpteenth time and is running late. Approach thusly: wide-eyed, mewing and purring like that cartoon where the kitten adopts the bulldog and almost gets baked into a cookie. Pull out all the stops - flipping, flopping, kneading, head-butts, and other irresistible posturing are mandatory. It is illegal to behave in this manner when humans are lounging in bed on the weekends.

FELINE HOMELAND SECURITY
Cats reserve the right to inspect any and all packages and luggage. Naps in said packages and luggage are highly encouraged.

Cats must insure they will be remembered while humans are on vacation. Unpacking their luggage to discover it’s been used as a cat bed since their last vacation will accomplish this nicely. **
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THE LAW OF CLEAN LAUNDRY ATTRACTION

Any time there is clean laundry, either in a basket, or folded and waiting to be put away, any cat in the vicinity will immediately have to curl up and fall asleep on the clean laundry.

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THE COST OF A TOY IS INVERSELEY PROPORTIONATE TO THE CAT’S ENJOYMENT OF SAID TOY

Doting owners can spend any amount of money they like on toys they THINK their cat will enjoy (feather dusters, toy mice, little balls with bells on them, cat trees, etc.)* and the cat will invariably prefer the old shoelace, the plastic ring from the milk carton lid, a wadded up ball of paper, or a dead roach.

*with the major exception of the laser pointer

For Christmas, my cats received a deluxe, cushy kitty condo with a little cave and padded place to sleep on top. I thought they would love it, since they seize every opportunity to crawl into boxes or bags. They haven’t even looked at it. Yesterday I noticed a (much cheaper) kitty condo sitting by my dumpster, with nothing apparently wrong with it. I brought it in, with the idea of cleaning it up and giving it to some friends with cats. My cats simply LOVE it, and only emerge to eat and use the litterbox. Expensive Christmas gift? Still untouched.

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Not as fancy as everyone else but…

Feline Ownership Law

You do not own the cat. The cat owns you, and anything you think you own actually belongs to the cat.

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Any food you are eating or preparing is infinitely better than anything they get to eat.

It doesn’t matter if all you’re doing is chopping vegetables or even just getting a can of pop out of the fridge. Any cat that hears any activity whatsoever emanating from the kitchen will immediately come beg. Even if you let the cat sniff a piece of what you’re preparing, it will refuse to believe that you don’t have something good and will continue demanding food.

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Corollary to Feline ownership Law

The humans who have even momentary direct contact with any cat shall be know henceforth as “Staff”

Time/Space Travel Rule:
Any Cat, subject to a bath trip to Vet or medication, shall be allowed to translocate to another time or dimension as he/she sees fit. Return trip shall be at the complete discression of said Cat

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The chances of a cat’s claws being out are directly related to how far the cat will fall, how much bare skin is exposed, and the number of bandages you have in the house at any given time.

Corollary: The chances the cat’s claws will be out and ready as it falls increases when it is in the general proximity of expensive clothes and nylon stockings.

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SCHRODINGER’S LAW:

All cats can alter their quantum state at will. This permits cats to vanish and reappear at other positions in the house that are physically impossible, to randomly appear and disappear, and to provoke enormous noises which will not be associated with any visible disturbance.

I have actually observed this behaviour.