Cat Vectors

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have spent my morning making eggs and sausage, and plotting cat vectors.

A regular house cat can top 32 miles an hour in short bursts. The amazing thing is that they require VERY LITTLE SPACE to build up to that speed. It’s like a certain number of cat muscles are tensed and ready to go at ANY GIVEN TIME. I got interested in this when the alarm went off this morning at six thirty (I’d forgotten to turn it off) and Pocky, who was sleeping on my pillow, exploded.

I am not the first to ponder the physics defying powers of the common house cat. More than once, I’ve wondered how they can leap three feet in the air, and WHILE IN THE AIR, achieve forward momentum. What the hell are they pushing against? It violates Newton’s Laws, right there, unless cats have invented reactionless thrust, a thing I am still wondering about. The late and brilliant Fritz Leiber actually theorized that cats can teleport in his excellent story, Space-Time For Springers, perhaps evolved as a compensation for their small size, compared to their jungle and plains brethren.

But they don’t do this often. I think it’s because they love to run.

And in my home, they run like mad. Running Time is usually around eight PM and eight AM. At this time, Doom and Pocky regularly play tag. This, in and of itself, isn’t particularly noteworthy; humans play tag, as do whitetail deer; I’ve seen them. It’s not like it’s a terribly complicated game. But as I lay in bed, slowly waking up, I remembered a thing that usually happens around five minutes after eight … nearly every morning… something I needed to avoid…

…and at that point, Pocky, who was “it” at the moment, leaped onto the bed, landed on my testicles, and springboarded off and out the far door, with Doom in hot pursuit. That was when I remembered what I was trying to avoid. I usually don’t sleep this late; I have to go to work. And on weekends, when I DO sleep this late, I usually sleep on my SIDE, meaning the cats springboard off my HIP, a thing that wakes me up, but causes no real distress. But… on occasion… when I am lying on my back… disaster. And that’s when it occurred to me: this happens around five after eight, every morning. Is there a PATTERN at work here?

And so I got up and made eggs and sausage and watched the cats. I’ve got no less than sixteen repeat vectors mapped out that the cats use on a regular basis, eighteen with the patio door open. I also found out that opening the balcony door is a great way to get them to settle down and sit on the balcony railing and watch the birdies, which is tranquil, but ends the study of cat vectors.

I also noted that depending on which way I am facing, and my personal orientation (horizontal or vertical) no less than four of these vectors intersect places where my testicles spend a fair amount of time.

Coincidence? Malice? Cosmic happenstance?

2

Your testicles are not just the nexus of your cats’ present astral plane. They are, in fact, most likely the temporary intersection of many different planes of cat existence. Cats are able to transport to any given plane any time they choose to do so, which explains the apparent defiance of several of Newton’s laws of physics, such as the one you described. These intersection points are critical to a cat’s existence, for without them he would be unable to perform the impossible contortions that we think we see, be unable to suddenly appear in a room from seemingly nowhere, or seem to effortlessly escape from locked rooms.

Whatever you do, do not/NOT attempt to follow the vectors you have mapped. To do so could result in your entrapment in a world of missing chew toys that reek of ancient catnip.

3

Seems to me that you can either change the vectors or change where you put your testicles. Having known a few cats, I know which of those is more likely to work.

4

Yes : D

Although, I’m fairly certain it’s not malicious. It’s more, “wake the hell up!” Perhaps with a touch of, “the human makes funny noises when we land there!” For all I know, they’ve calculated more spring off the testicles than the hip.

I shut my bedroom door to avoid being the subject of similar experiments, as well as delicate cat licks on the eye lids (why?) when they are bored at 3 am and wish to discuss something. They never get around to actually explaining themselves, just stare at me. Go torment the house plants my friends.

5

Berni loved the story of Pocky and the Toilet.

You see, Doom came first, and he was about nine or ten months old when my daughter gave me Pocky. Pocky was just a kitten at the time, and a total little friskums, into everything. After he and Doom made friends, the daily games of tag began. It was fascinating, because Doom had longer legs and could build more speed, but Pocky used frequent turns, detours, his greater maneuverability, and his ability to fit in places that Doom wouldn’t to his own advantage. This is why the Couch Vector is still popular, because under the couch and then up and out through the armrest was one of Pocky’s favorites, even if it takes longer for him to pull it off now that he’s the same size as Doom.But leaping through the air and bouncing off things was another of Pocky’s kittenhood favorites; it was a maneuver that Doom just couldn’t match.Which led to the day I happened to be in the bathroom.

Peeing.

And abruptly, I heard the rumparumparumpa behind me, and suddenly, off to my right, a little gray ball of fluff bounced off the wall near the toilet paper roll and hurtled into the toilet.

What was worse, he apparently REALIZED, midflight, that this had been a TERRIBLE MISTAKE, and frantically began BACKPEDALING in midair, trying to stop the inevitable…

…and he landed in the water, right under the continuing stream, YOWED piteously, and ERUPTED out of the toilet, into the bathtub, where he rounded once to build up speed, and LEAPED, dripping and miserable, out of the tub and rocketed out of the room, leaving a very confused Daddy and Doom standing there going “WTF?” It all happened so fast – maybe a fraction of a second – I didn’t even have time to stop peeing until Pocky was already out of the room…

6

Was there a flash of light, followed by the small clap of thunder from imploding air, as you heard “JUMP!” in Cat?

7

Y’sure the word you’re looking for isn’t “BAMF?”

I heard no such thing. But Pocky was young, then…

8

The phenomenon you describe has a scientific acronym: FRAP. Frenetic Random Activity Period.

Cats do teleport. It is not known with certainty whether they go to alternate universes, other physical locations, future or previous times. I do know I have on many occasions been unable to find my cat. After looking over, under and behind every object in the room she is suddenly just there, next to me. At these times she often says “mmrrrrh?!”

9

One of mine did the same when she was a little kitten and I was using the facilities. But she was so small, she couldn’t get out once she had jumped in. Thankfully, I was ahem pretty much finished, so I reached in and picked her out. Of course, in such a state, she needed cleaning up but I didn’t want her trying to groom her coat. So, she got a good rinse in the sink.

Now, about ten or so years later, she still roars around the house. But she has avoided the bathroom since that day.

10

Awesome thread. I’m currently conducting a sister study considering how two small cats can sound like a herd of thundering elephants while engaging in said vector-following behavior.

11

The same way a small cat who weighs less than one of my shoes can, while climbing up on me at night, push his little foot so hard it feels like he’s going to leave paw prints on my fraggin’ liver.

12

I just got “Wang-Ka”. :smiley:

13

When I hear the elephantine rumble of the 2 monsters coming toward the bedroom I curl into a fetal position as a Pavlovian response.

Cat physics; how can the pressure of one paw of a 12 pound cat feel like 1200 psi when applied to the groin of a reclined biped?

14

Hell, cats have variable mass, and can change state from solid to liquid at will. I could write a whole 'nother article called “Cat Mass.”

And it would begin, “Ever wake up from a sound sleep to feel a weight on your chest and open your eyes, and the first thing you behold in the waking world is a cat pucker?”

15

You need to start sleeping with a cup.

16

You need to do an entire volume on Cat Physics. Then maybe you can explain to me how this critter, who eats my house plants despite a feeder dispensing yummy kibbles, can do the precise calculations that enable him to leap from the floor to the exact height required to land ever-so-gently on a half-wall or a table or the bathroom sink. Never a near-miss, never an overshoot.

Then there’s Cat Psychology - why does he do his damnedest to sneak outside, then only run about 30 yards before hunkering down and yowling like a pathetic baby till someone carries him back into the house. And why is his sister only content when she curls up on my chest between my face and my book every time I try to read in bed?

Face it, Cats are bizarro aliens placed among us to screw with us. That’s the only plausible explanation.

17

I don’t get it.
What am I missing?
Because to me, it’s just a weird-sounding username.

(But if the explanation is something that will make me feel very embarrassed and stupid, then maybe I don’t deserve an answer. So please be gentle.)

18

I read this at first glance as, “Doom no longer had legs”, and wondered just how he propelled himself.

StG

19

It’s funny how different perspectives can be. To me, humans have always seemed like bizarro aliens. Cats I have no problem with.

20

I just got it thanks to another thread -

pronouce it like “wanker”