matt_mcl - SCHRODINGER’S LAW appears to prove the THEORY OF SPONTANEOUS RELOCATION. Cool. I have seen this in action, but did not think to apply it to quantum physics or do the necessary experimentation to prove it.
The power of the SDMB proves itself once again. Linking quantum physics and feline behavior. Whoda thunk?
THE PATRIOT ACT OF URINARY NATIONAL SECURITY
If you have a cat, you’ll never pee alone.
THE RULE OF PUBLIC IDENTIFICATION
Black pants let the whole world know you have a cat.
OPAL CAT RULES!
RULE FIVE OF FELINE GRAVITY
The cat will choose the busiest lap in the room
THE LAW OF INVERSE BOX GRAVITATIONAL PULL
The smaller the box, the more the cat must be in it. Also, the more expensive the cat toy that came out of the box, the more attractive the box. Similar to October’s Law, but different in its own little way.
THE CAT TOY LAW
The best cat toy ever invented is the condom wrapper. Preferably an empty one, but any one will do.
Condom wrappers are carried around throughout the house by any given cat. They are NEVER lost, although they will often be placed in strategic and very visible places.
Especially when your parents are visiting.
THE LAW OF MAXIMUM INCONVENIENCE DURING HURRIED PREPARATIONS
When the Owner is running around, obviously frantically getting ready to leave the house, the Cat will position itself in the place of greatest possible inconvience to the Owner. Usually, this involves lying in the bathroom doorway.
The Cat reserves the right to glare/bat at at the Owner as the Owner steps over it repeatedly.
Extra points for actually tripping the Owner.
THE LAW OF NOCTURNAL NAUSEA
Cats only ever get sick at night, and usually on weekends, to maximise the inconvenience and difficulty of finding an open vet or animal hospital.
So given all this, why does anyone voluntarily own one?
Secondary to the Law Of Maximum Inconvienience:
Indoor/Outdoor cats will place themselves directly behind the car of their owners who will then have to stop the car, get out, and take the cat into the house before they can go to work. If the owner rides a bike, the cat will suddenly appear from a neighbour’s bush not less than three houses down the block and force the owner to dismount, pick up the cat in one hand while pushing the bike with the other, and take the cat back to the house.
The Large Dog/Small Kitten Law:
Kittens will walk up to and smack dogs in direct inverse proportion to their own size. For my own example I offer Boo, who at the age of five weeks staggered up to Joe the Rottie and whapped him a good one across the nose. They’re now best friends.
The Law of Fast Food Distribution
Solely at The Cat’s discretion, any drinking straws that may have migrated into The Cat’s vicinity have become sole property of The Cat, even if The Cat has to remove said drinking straw from the Fast Food soda container prior to the drink actually being finished. The Cat shall then play with said straw until The Cat’s claws have poked at least one whole in said straw, rendering it useless.
The Law of The Claw
In the event that the bathroom door is closed for the purpose of elimination, and The Cat is on the outside of the door, The Cat is within its legal rights to claw the ankle of the person who made such an obvious mistake.
The Law of Facials
Solely at The Cat’s discretion, The Cat may exercise its right to perch comfortably on the person’s face of The Cat’s choising while said person is sleeping. Should the recipient of this activity not be receptive, The Cat has permission to bite or claw the person who tries to move The Cat.
AXIOM OF GROCERY ROLEPLAY
The time that elapses between the deposit of the empty grocery bag on the kitchen floor and the high-speed entry of the cat thereinto can be calculated in nanoseconds equal to the number of steps the cat is distant from the deposit location.
THE LAW OF PERMANENT STARVATION
(closely related to Ms Macphisto´s Law)
The slightest movement of a human being in the approximate direction of the kitchen will immediately result in a screaming, begging, meowing cat milling around this persons feet and doing a convincing performance of the “I´m a poor little kitty and haven´t had anything to eat in days”-routine.
The actual amount of fresh yummy catfood left over in the cat´s bowl is in no way relevant.
THE CLAW-SHARPENING LAW
Any type of scratching post designated for the purpose of claw sharpening will be ignored completely and substituted for the most expensive and/or vulnerable piece of furniture in the room.
The Devotion to Thy Person Law
All cats are hereby required to show their devotion to their owners by depositing the juiciest of leftover rodentia at thy person’s doorstep or bedstand.
Must show total offense if said person does not lavish multitudes of thanks upon said cat.
The Law of Intangibility:
An old large neutered male cat develops the ability to become intangible. Any attempt to pick up and relocate said cat will fail as cat oozes through fingers to remain in exact same location. Cat will often not even wake up, and somehow cat manges to increase the force of gravity so the effort required to attempt moving will greatly exceed mass of cat. The ability is quite draining and old large male neutered cat must sleep 23hr and 55 minutes a day. One cat has chosen location it will remain their for 3-10 years, and new furnature must be purchased if humans desire to ever sit down again.
LAW OF GRAVATATIONAL RELATIVITY
A cat will increase in mass if:-
LAW OF FELINE BONE/WATER CONVERSION
Any cat which a human attempts to pick up for the purpose of giving it medication, placing it into a receptacle for the purpose of transportation, removing it from a location where it wishes to be, or any other such purpose which is clearly against the cat’s best interests and desires will be able to instantaneously convert all the bones in its body to water or a substance equivalent thereto, enabling it to ooze from whatever grasp/grip by which said human is attempting to move the cat.
LAW OF MEDICATION TRANSLOCATION
The farther down the cat’s throat you shove the pill, the faster and farther the cat will be able to spit it out.
:smack: I should have realized this long ago…
STANDARD THEORY OF CATS:
Cats are the quantum particles of contrariness, the sixth force, and shall henceforth be known as mew-ons. Their quantum nature allows them to teleport simply by observing themselves to be in a new location–hence the “I’ve been here all along, fool. Why did you trip over me?” look.
The contrary force compounds relativistic mass increase, so that any attempt to accelerate a cat results in a mass increase proportional to the square of the force exerted.
The antiparticle of the mew-on is, of course, the doggone. Quantum teleportation has not been noted in dogs because, frankly, they enjoy running around too much.
LAW OF BLACK CATS AND DARK SPACES
At night, or in darkened rooms/stairs/hallways, all black or tuxedo cats will position themselves in such a way to be stepped on, kicked or tripped over. This is naturally the fault of the human.
LAW OF CAR TRAVEL
No matter how much you sweet-talk or try to soothe your cat’s feelings, they will persist in serenading you the entire length of the car trip to the vet’s office.
I have spent many a car trip to the vet with the left hand on the wheel and the right one reaching around to the seat behind me, trying to pet my cat’s face through the grate of the carrier so that they’ll stop singing.
COROLLARY: To best acheive the above, and contrast with as many items of clothing as possible, all cats, regardless of percieved color, must have hair on their bodies in every color available. Therefore, wearing black and picking up your black cat will result in your being covered in white or at least light gray hair. Pick up a white cat while wearing white, and you will find black hair all over you. Thus the amount of fur-covered clothing is maximized.
:Awestruck: I am in the presence of brilliance. Well done, Balance!
HOUSE TRAFFIC RULES
(Hee hee hee - “mew-ons”. :D)
THE LAW OF MAXIMUM STAINAGE
The cat will choose to stain the most fragile/lightest colored/hardest to clean surface in the domicile. My kitten Dot has thrown up three times since I adopted her. I have exactly three small pieces of carpet in my tile-floored apartment, a welcome matt and two bathroom rugs. You do the math.