EUCLID’S LAW OF FELINE PLACEMENT
The shortest path between a human and its destination is always occupied by a cat.
Does it speak French?
THE LAW OF NOSES
Said felines nose shall ALWAYS be colder than the ambient room temperature. Especially at 2 am on a winter night.
Nose must NOT be placed against any surface that is calloused or otherwise less sensitive to cold. Best places to place nose are elbow creases, neck just below the ear and arch of the foot. See above to Schrodingers Law before throwing shoes, pillows, books or other objects at cat.
LAW OF FELINE EMBARRASSMENT
Cats are physiologically unable to show embarrassment regardless of the circumstances, i.e. falling off a window ledge, jumping and running for cover after hearing the rustling of a plastic bag, or jumping for a tabletop, missing and crashing to the floor. Cats do not show embarrassment because cats are never at fault (see Law of Cat Perfection). That glare a cat directs towards his human may often be mistaken for embarrassment but is in actuality a look of accusation, i.e. the human pushed him off the window ledge, the human unleashed a vicious plastic bag in the vincinity, or the human thought he was being funny by moving the table a couple of inches.
LAW OF FELINE FINICKY ENTITLEMENT
For every ten cans of catfood you open, the feline Lords and Ladies of the Manor will turn up their nose at seven.
Attempts to determine “favorite” versions of catfood will result in disdain and a sudden dislike of the recipe in question. Mounds of rejected catfood will migrate to the floor as disgusted felines push it around the plate, eating only the juice.
The cat did it. Look away.
LAW OF QUANTUM FELINE/FEET SMEARING:
Cats have the ability to be both in front of and behind a walking human.
LAW OF FELINE EYESIGHT
Cat’s can see into the astral plane. When you think they’re just tearing around the house for no reason, they are actually chasing out ghosts, poltergeists, and sundry spectral nastys invisible to humans. Give them an ear scritch as thanks.
THE LAW OF BEDTIME EXPLORATION
The Cat will suddenly need to stroll through your breakable objects, use the catbox, hack up a hairball, or tussle with other pets, just as you are falling asleep. The Staff may delay or advance bedtime, but The Cat will always find some noisy activity to do just as The Staff is nodding off. Kicking The Cat out of the bedroom will only result in door-rattling and frantic meowing until The Cat is allowed back in the bedroom, at which point normal activity will resume. Bonus points will be awarded based on how close The Staff is to sleep, how long The Staff has been awake, how soon The Staff needs to get up in the morning, and how many times The Staff can be gotten out of bed.
This corollary is known around our house as the Law of Selective Shedding. While our Emily is a tortoiseshell, and therefore appears to have almost exclusively dark hair, just wear black and see how wrong you are.
THE LAW OF “AW, POSTERIORI”
No matter how much cats may be convinced that they are people (or that their people are cats), they will never quite manage to figure out that human greetings do not involve waving their exposed assholes in one anothers’ faces.