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Anywhere on your body is subject to being licked at any time. (Cuervo & Scarlett)
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If, while I am licking your finger, you move it at all, this makes it eligible for biting. (same two)
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I know what the cereal bowls sound like coming out of the cabinet. If you finish your cereal before I make it downstairs, you should come to the stairs, call me and defend my milk from the others until I get down there. (Marty)
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That spot of sunlight on the bedroom floor? It’s mine. If you need to walk around me, you will keep quiet while doing so. (most especially Cuervo)
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Anything lying anywhere in the house that is small enough to fit in my mouth will at some point in time be picked up, carried away, batted around until I am bored and then abandoned wherever it is at the time. (Bear)
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Hurry and clean this litter box so that I can immediately leave a steamy pile of crap in it. (Marty)
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I told you, no other cats need any attention in this house, only me. Keep them away from me and no one will get hurt. (Scarlett)
This morning my female human was delighted to discover that I have done it! All 8 cushions are tainted with kangaroo mince vomit. She didn’t go to work this morning - because she has to clean the cushions. My male human was so impressed when he stepped in it, he made little vomity noises and then got the female up as told her of my exploits whilst trying not to spew as well. God, I’m so cool. Wait until they find the turd in the study. I am uber-cat.
Is he a Raging Thrak or a Sea Thrak?
Housework is a drudge and a bore and I must entertain my poor human servant who is stuck doing it by leaping out from under the furniture and attacking the broom and the mop and the dustpan and by jumping up on my human’s back and meowing inquisitively while she’s bent over the bathtub.
Of course, now we’re having so much fun that we don’t want to quit, do we? So if my human looks like she’s ready to sit down, I must go to my litter box and begin digging like a badger, throwing litter hither and yon, until my human gets the broom out and we can start all over again!
Raging.
My husband was telling the neighbour about the ‘Ginger Ninja’s’ exploits and finished by saying “hot cat sick”. And of course I thought … band name!
Maybe if you stopped feeding her kangaroo mince!! :rolleyes: I’d barf, too.
ETA: great story, very well told!
All drains and toilets are actually secret commuications devices to The Mother Ship in another dimension.
If the human flops around at night and her arm happens to be exposed, she is obviously playing and must be bitten on the wrist. The cursing that follows is a shout of approval.
There are lots of fun things to jump onto and off of. The best launch pads, though, are bladders and breasts.
-It doesn’t matter that the water bowls downstairs and cleaned and re-filled at least one per day. The water out of the toilet tastes so much better.
-Those blinking things under the computer desk are called ‘surge protectors’. Make sure to step on the switch and turn them off while someone is using the computer.
-You must keep your killer instincts sharp by fishing pieces of cat food out of the bowl and batting them around the room. You’re not required to eat them when you’re finished hunting.
When fording the treacherous, shifting currents of Twin Thighs River, the only safe stepping stone is Scrotum Rock. Feel free to stand there upon all 4 paws until you get the courage to complete the crossing.
Tile is never to be vomited upon. The Oriental rug, on the other paw…
My son’s cats (2):
All shoes are to be smelled, sometimes deeply enough that it looks like I’m thinking of wearing it as a hat. Some shoes are to be rolled in. Daddy’s shoes are most interesting.
My cats (2):
It’s bedtime. (pat, pat) Stop playing with the computer and come to bed. It’s late and we can’t sleep without our bedwarmer. (pat, pat) The dog doesn’t count. In fact, I think she wants you to come to bed, too.
It’s amazing how painful those tiny little feets can be - when they step on just the right spot on your rib or hip and just stay there. They seem to be able to find the pressure points effortlessly.
Nasty little anti-acupuncture chopstick feet, able to locate the exact square millimeter to cause maximum discomfort.
It’s a cat thing. Even the dumb ones do it. :mad:
Scrotum Rock.
I’m using that.
Nasty little buggers.
Not until the cat’s done with it.
Now that I have discovered the fine art of screen destruction, you will be vigilant and aware when I am finished exploring the great outdoors and let me back in the front door. It is not my fault that all of the holes I’ve created only lead out of the house. It is called Gravity. Look it up.
In payment for your front-door vigilance, I shall bring you mouthfuls of dandelion root balls. Yeah, I’m aware that I’m a carnivore, but since you kept me locked up in the house for the first 5 years of my life you’ll get weeds, and you’ll like it.
Humans are at risk of floating away like helium balloons whenever they lay down. To prevent them from drifting off, you must lay on top of them and pin them down. Once you are in position, use your special feline super-powers to double or even triple your weight.